Subject: Daily Dose - 070207 - More Groaners

I went to my friend's house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.

I asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?"

Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge in a bare tree."

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Here We Go!

In the late 1800's, not wanting to be outdone by American rodeo, an English fellow decided to become a Rodeo star. Not having a horse, or any cattle, he cast about for some way to perform.

His vocation was building outhouses, and he had several samples behind his house. He had also installed a couple of standing gas lamps in his yard. As a start, he decided that lassoing these objects would be good practice. After all, he reasoned, they may not be moving targets, but at least he could get the hang of the rope.

Now he needed a mount. Not having a horse, he thought a bicycle would be a good substitute, and so he grabbed a coil of rope, hopped on his bicycle and off he went. He was phenomenally successful, and quickly got the hang of it.

Each day a friend of his would stop by to watch and give encouragement. Upon showing up one day, after the Englishman had been practicing for a couple of weeks, the friend noticed that the Englishman had taken to riding with no hands, and whirling two lassoes at the same time.

The Englishman proceed to lasso an outhouse, then immediately followed with a perfect throw over one of the lamps, all the while singing out, "Here we go loop the loo, here we go loop the light!"

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Little Green Frogs

A noted biologist was stumped...... little green frogs in the Okefenokee swamp were dying out, despite all efforts to save them.

Finally he realized the problem was a chemical change in the water. The frogs were unable to couple long enough.

So he brewed up an adhesive, including one part sodium.

He later explained to the press.......

"They needed monosodium glue to mate!"

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Charade

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade.  A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a  TV special.  He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television.  The Charade player agrees.

Comes the big night, all the world is watching.  The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women.

The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done i!.  That's the right answer.  You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it.

"It's really simple," says the charade player.  "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William Tell Overture."

"Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."

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The Lecture

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.

He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: .... 'Many hands make light work.'"

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Q: Did you hear about the guy who played golf on Christmas and accidentally hit a bird?

A: He got a partridge on a par three.

***

Q: What's red and white and falls down the chimney?

A: Santa Klutz!

***

Q: Why was time out called at the leper hockey game?

A: There was a face-off in the corner.

***

Q: Why do they bury attorneys 10 feet under?

A: Because deep down they're really good people.

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Honda

Each and every time he broke wind, the word honda would flutter from the man's behind. Going to the doctor, he demonstrated this phenomenon which, much to his surprise, didn't faze the doctor in the least.

Going round to the man's mouth, the physician found an abscessed tooth, which he promptly pulled. At once the man's problem was solved.

"That's amazing!" said the patient. "But tell me, how did you know what to do?"

"Simple," answered the doctor. "Everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go 'honda.'

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2 to Hoot!

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.

Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad  you got back okay... but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

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Beauty queen brighter than nuclear physicist

A Slovenian TV programme that tried to prove top models were brainless bimbos was scrapped after a beauty queen turned out to have a higher IQ than a nuclear physicist.

Iris Mulej, a former Miss Universe contestant, was found to have an IQ of 156 by scientists working for the programme makers.

She had to take a series of logic tests looking at spatial awareness, mathematical equations and problem solving ability.

The test result forced Slovenia TV, the state broadcaster, to cancel its programme involving the model who left school at 16 to pursue a modelling career.

A spokesman for Bronz Model Management that represents Iris, 22, said: "They couldn't really do a programme making fun of dumb models when she turned out to be smarter than anyone else on the programme.

"They are now wondering if they can do a different programme about the world's smartest model, and are trying to persuade Guiness to accept it as a record category."

Iris, who previously admitted one of her ambitions was to have sex with one guy and three other girls, was Slovenia's Miss Universe contestant in 2002.