Subject: Daily Dose - 070206 - What is That, THIS is TRUE, Italian American
friend, DDL, Rotten News
Who/What is That?
A few years ago, Joseph was finally
given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join
his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one
suitcase. At Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous Customs officer
who glared at him and snarled "Open the case!"
Joseph opened the case and the
Russian rummaged through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large bundle
wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin.
"What is that" snarled the customs officer.
"What is that?" said
Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is
that?'. That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home
to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvellous life
that I am leaving behind."
"I always knew that you Jews
were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case.
"Go!"
A few hours later Joseph arrived at
Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer.
"Shalom, Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"
Once again Joseph's belongings were
examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that"
said the customs officer.
"What is that?" said
Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask
'Who is that?'. That is that bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to
remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my
life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."
"I always knew that you Russian
Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case.
"Go!"
At last Joseph arrived in his new
home and eventually got round to unpacking watched by his young nephew. He took
out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and
put it on the table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.
"Who is that?" said Joseph
with a smile. "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?', You should ask 'What is
that?'. That is five kilos of gold"
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
BURNING MAD: When Alton Verm of
Conroe, Texas, saw the book his 15-year-old daughter brought home from Caney
Creek High School, he was outraged. "It's just all kinds of filth,"
Verm said. It includes such inflammatory words as "damn" and
"hell", and Verm has filed a "Request for Reconsideration of
Instructional Materials" with the Conroe Independent School District. He
happened to file it during the American Library Association's Banned Book Week.
"I want to get the book taken out of the class," he said. The book:
Ray Bradbury's "Fahrenheit 451", a 1953 novel about a dystopian
society where books are banned and burned, freedom of speech is restricted, and
critical thought is suppressed. But Verm wouldn't know: he admits he hasn't
read the book. (Conroe Courier)
...So let me guess: Verm is a fireman.
***
BURNING IRONY II: Harrisonburg (Va.)
High School had a display of banned or "challenged" books to provoke
thought about the American Library Association's annual Banned Books Week.
"Had" is the key word here: Harrisonburg Schools Superintendent
Donald Ford ordered the display removed, since it might encourage students to
read them. Books in the display included Twain's "The Adventures of Tom
Sawyer" and "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn", Bradbury's
"Fahrenheit 451", "The Diary of Ann Frank" -- and the
Bible. (Harrisonburg Daily News-Record)
...And no wonder about the Bible: it includes such words as "damn"
and "hell".
***
RETIRED STRIFE II: Felix Cocco, 80,
was destitute and lonely after his wife of 50 years died, says his lawyer,
Martha Bailor. The Broomfield, Penn., man was working as a driver, where he met
some unsavory people: he "was selling crack cocaine to make ends
meet," Bailor admits. "He knows it was wrong, but he was
desperate." What about the "lonely" part? Cocco was also trading
crack for the services of a prostitute. "I'd like to say I'm sorry,"
Cocco told the judge. "I know I have to pay something for it." The
judge sentenced Cocco to 6-18 months in jail, but granted him immediate parole.
(Pittsburgh Tribune-Review)
...He wasn't so much selling drugs to make ends meet, but rather more to make
fronts meet.
***
THE BOOMERANG EFFECT: Kimberly A.
Baker, 22, of Warrensburg, N.Y., went to court to ask the judge to order the
father of her 2-year-old daughter to help support the girl. She identified the
father as a 16-year-old boy she knows. The judge did some quick math: Baker was
19 when she was impregnated by the 13-year-old, and Baker was arrested on charges
of second-degree rape of a minor. She faces up to 7 years in prison. (Glenn
Falls Post Star)
...While the boy gets up to 7 years of "high fives" from his buddies.
***
DON'T PHONE HOME, PHONE YOUR LAWYER:
"Abducted by Aliens? Call Now for Compensation"
-- Reuters headline
______________________________
My Italian American friend is very
self-conscious about his height, or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of
the subject.
One day, he and I went to lunch at a
Sub shop.
"I'll take the Italian,"
he said to the guy behind the counter. "Salami, Provolone, and
peppers."
"Do you want a full hero or
half one?" came the reply.
"Ah... gimme a half," my
friend says.
After placing our orders, we took
our seats. A few minutes later, my friend grimaced when we heard...
"Small Italian, your order is
up!"
______________________________
DDL
Her instructions were very explicit,
And more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny
With fresh clover honey,
And butter my buns like a biscuit."
"Then wrap me up in nice a
blanket,
And I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
Fine laces and leathers,
And I'll wiggle my ass till you spank it."
"Now that your fingers are
stinky
Tie me up in some chains that are clinky.
Bring in goats and a sheik,
Give my titties a tweak,
And now we can start getting kinky!"
"Forget what the chain and the
whip meant.
Just get straps and some slings and a shipment
Of high-grade Vaseline,
And a strong trampoline,
And all of the other equipment!"
"Now, when we get all the
bedsprings drumming,
That's when I'll start humming,
Then quickly, my dear,
Put it into my ear,
So I'll hear the sound of it coming!"
"I don't know how much this is
costing",
Said her student, still covered with frosting.
"But I can say with affinity
That I've lost my virginity.
Quite frankly, my dear, you're exhausting!"
______________________________
"Excuse for Republicans driving
sports cars that cost more than their fathers ever made in a year: It's cheaper
than marrying a woman half my age."
--P.J. O'Rourke
***
"I used to be With IT. But then
they changed what IT was. Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary
and wierd. It'll happen to YOU."
--Abe Simpson, The Simpsons
***
"In the past, your dumbness has
gotten in the way of a few things that I really wanted to do: The book club.
Theater. Having conversations."
--Patricia Heaton
***
"The U.N has evidence of global
warming. And right now they are working hard, around the clock to do nothing
about it."
--Dave Letterman
***
"Wal-Mart announced they're
coming out with their own brand of wine. Wal-Mart's wine comes in red or white,
as well as 12- or 16-ounce cans."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"The Oakland A's new stadium is
going to be the most high-tech in the world. Each visitor will have access to
wireless internet and reception for their cell phones. They're trying to make
the most annoying stadium ever."
--Jay Leno
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Jan 19, 10:13 AM EST
GPS Devices Lead to Suspects' Home
LINDENHURST, N.Y. (AP) -- Three
thieves who allegedly stole 14 global positioning system devices didn't get
away with their crime for long. The devices led police right to their home.
Town officials said the thieves
didn't even know what they had: they thought the GPS devices were cell phones,
which they planned to sell.
According to Suffolk County police,
the GPS devices were stolen Monday night from the Town of Babylon Public Works
garage in Lindenhurst. The town immediately tapped its GPS system, and it
showed that one of the devices was inside a house. Police said that when they
arrived there, Kurt Husfeldt, 46, had the device in his hands.
Husfeldt was charged with criminal
possession of stolen property. His 13-year-old son also was arrested on grand
larceny charges.
Town officials said the boy
committed the burglary with Steven Mangiapanella, 20, also of Lindenhurst. He
was charged with grand larceny.
Babylon installed 300 GPS devices in
snow plows, dump trucks, street sweepers and other vehicles last January.
**********
No Darling, Spain tells aspiring
citizen Fri Jan 19, 4:33 AM ET
MADRID (Reuters) - A Colombian woman
called Darling has been told she cannot become a Spanish citizen because her
name is unacceptable.
Years of waiting to obtain Spanish
citizenship for Darling Velez, 33, appeared to end with success a few months
ago when her application was accepted, but she was shocked when the public
registry rejected her name, El Mundo newspaper said on Friday.
Spanish law prohibits names which
could expose a person to ridicule or do not clearly indicate gender. Without
registering her name, Velez cannot become a citizen.
The registry office suggested Velez,
who lives near Madrid, should choose a saint's name. But she said she wanted to
stay Darling.
"My name is part of my
personality. If they force me to change it, I'll change it to a Basque name and
see what they say then," she said.
Names in Spain's minority Basque
language were prohibited for many years during the dictatorship of Gen.
Francisco Franco but now are common.
************
Whores College
A day of classes for sex workers,
called Whores College, has been held in San Francisco.
It was organised as part of the San
Francisco Sex Worker Film and Arts Festival.
Marketing, maintaining a
professional appearance and ethical standards were among the subjects covered.
The seminar also included practical
advice for sex workers on self defence, STDs and avoiding arrest.