Subject: Daily Dose - 070203 - Sex Dolls, THIS is TRUE, payments, DDL, Rotten News

Sex Dolls

After less than a year of marriage, Jane was becoming more and more frustrated. Her husband Jeff worked very long hours and was no longer interested in Bonking. Plucking up her courage, and with a few stiff drinks inside her, Jane visited a sex shop. "Hello," announced Jane.

"Look, I'm very embarrassed about this. My husband doesn't make love to me. You sell 'Sex Dolls' for men - I'm here because I'm interested in buying, well, a Sex Doll. You know ... one with a BIG Dick - for me."

The shop assistant was taken aback.  In front of him was a lady - about 22 years old - with a 38 DD bust ... And a figure he would have crawled over a kilometre of broken glass to buy a coffee for. "Well Miss - or Madam." He took another breath.

"Frankly, we don't get much call for that sort of thing.  However, we do have three models in the back room."

Hand on her chin, Jane looked him directly in the eye and smiled. "Don't just stand there - tell me about them!"

"Well," the man replied, "I'm sure you won't like our first model. It's called 'The Soccer Player'.  Don't get me wrong;  It's very nice. Powerful legs ... cute butt - But it does tend to 'dribble' a lot."

Jane wasn't exactly delighted about this. "Well ..... No. Not interested in that!" Jane whispered,  "What else've you got?"

"Well," came the reply, "We also have the 'Aussie Cricketer' ... Listen, I must me fair with you.  This is a great model, big .... well, Ummm huge, in the right places, but ... "

"Yes !?!" gulped Jane, with eyes like dinner plates.

"Once it's in - It's almost impossible to get it out.  Frankly, we've only sold two of these in the last four years"

"Don't want THAT," replied Jane.  "You said you have three models. What's left?"

"I hesitate to even talk about this," answered the shop assistant. "It's called 'The Santa Claus' Model."

"What d'Ya mean, "The Santa Claus' model?" replied Jane.

"Well," answered the shop assistant. He took a deep breath. "This model only comes once a year and .... when it does - it fills up BOTH your stockings !"

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THIS is TRUE...

NO FAVORITISM: Colorado State Sen. Andy McElhany was angry when the state's Department of Motor Vehicles refused to issue his 15-year-old daughter a learner's permit to drive, citing a newly passed anti-illegal-immigrant law. "Our daughter is a legal citizen with a legal passport," complained the politician, who represents Colorado Springs. But the new state law requires two forms of identification to prove citizenship -- a passport is not enough, even though by definition it proves citizenship. "You need to have a policy in place, but you need to tell people what the policy is so they'll know what to expect to get an ID," McElhany complained. "What's going on now is crazy." McElhany, the senate's minority leader, passionately campaigned for the new law the DMV was following. (Denver Rocky Mountain News)
...What's worse than having to answer to voters? Having to answer to his 15-year-old daughter.

***

REALITY IN POLITICS II: The ballot for next month's election in Ottawa County, Mich., has to be reprinted: a typo was spotted after the 170,000 ballots came off the press. "My first thought was, 'Oh, crap'," said County Clerk Daniel Krueger. "We had about five or six people proofread [the ballot]," he said. But because the question that has the typo is a contentious, statewide issue, the county will spend $40,000 to reprint it, even though only one word is misspelled: the word "public" is missing its L. (Holland Sentinel)
...Which is the first time election officials have really cared about the public.

***

EIGHT BALL IN THE CORNER POCKET: A group of motorcyclists on a highway in Contra Costa County, Calif., said a man tried crashing into them while waving a pool cue. Two got off the highway to avoid him, but the man in the car followed and, when he got to where they were sitting, jumped out of his car, pool cue in hand, and started after them. They didn't have to do a thing to avoid attack: the man had left his car in gear, and it ran him over. The bikers leapt to his rescue, pulling him out of the way so he wouldn't be hit again. Richard Brooks, 50, was charged with (yep) drunken driving and assault with a deadly weapon. (San Francisco Chronicle)
...The deadly weapon being the pool cue, his car, or his breath?

***

WALK THIS WAY: A store in Framingham, Mass., called police to report that two men had just shoplifted multiple items. An officer standing behind the police station spotted two men who matched the descriptions. They were walking across the police station's parking lot -- at shift change, when the largest-possible number of officers was present. When he ordered them to stop, one tried to scurry away, saying "I didn't do anything." The cop grabbed Edward Brown, 45, just before he started to run, causing canned hams, frozen foods and other items to fall out of his coat. Eric Hargrett, 19, perhaps noting several officers running up to help, said "I'm not going to run" and raised his hands, causing a similar rain of products. Both men were charged with theft. (Framingham MetroWest Daily News)
...And with having a terrible sense of direction.

***

WHO WANTS TO KNOW? "Many Egyptians Haven't Heard of Opinion Polls --Poll"
-- Reuters headline

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My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."

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DDL

A young girl, through her exercises,
Increased her breasts nearly twelve sizes.
At the start they were small,
Hardly bulges at all,
But now they're so huge they win prizes.

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When my sister's husband died, she went to the bank to put his affairs in order. The young clerk looked up their joint account and then asked, "Which of you is deceased?"

***

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

***

"I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia."
--Spanky

***

"International soccer star David Beckham has signed a $250 million deal to play here in L.A. He's very popular. To give you an idea of how popular he is today an L.A. jury awarded him a not guilty sentence for any future murders."
--Jay Leno

***

"Fans of Elton John were shocked when at a recent concert he said the "F word" 15 times in under one minute. Fans say that was just what 'Candle In The Wind' needed."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"David Beckham was I think one of the first described as 'metrosexual.' The first time I heard word metrosexual, I thought it meant guys who have sex in subway. I spent years riding the subway, hoping."
--Craig Ferguson

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Rotten News....  (true)

Prisoner posts himself to freedom

A convicted fraudster escaped from a high security jail in Germany after climbing into a cardboard box and posting himself to freedom.

Max Friedener, 28, escaped from prison in Darmstadt after hiding in the box in the mailroom. He escaped from the mail van as it was driving away.

The escape was only noticed when the mail truck arrived at the sorting depot and the hole in the box was spotted.

It is the second time a convict has earned a ticket to ride by using the mail system.

Only last month a convict in neighbouring Austria escaped from Graz prison by posting himself out in a large box that was supposed to contain lamp post parts. Both escapees are still at large.

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January 22, 2007 

Yummy: Pet shop owner creates beer for dogs from beef extract and malt

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands (AP) - After a long day hunting, there's nothing like wrapping your paw around a cold beer.

That's why Terrie Berenden, a pet shop owner in the southern Dutch town of Zelhem, created a beer for her Weimaraners made from beef extract and malt.

"Once a year we go to Austria to hunt with our dogs, and at the end of the day we sit on the veranda and drink a beer. So we thought, my dog also has earned it," she said.

Berenden consigned a local brewery to make and bottle the non-alcoholic beer, branded as Kwispelbier. It was introduced to the market last week and advertised it as "a beer for your best friend."

"Kwispel" is the Dutch word for wagging a tail.

The beer is fit for human consumption, Berenden said. But at US$2.14 a bottle, it's about four times more expensive than a Heineken.

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Church blasts g-strings

Polish lace-makers have been criticised by the church for switching their talents from alter cloths to sexy lingerie.

The Catholic church has slammed the women of the mountain village of Koniakow for using their traditional skills to make lacy G-strings.

Koniakow lace has been made for altar cloths, priests' robes, even the last Pope - but their livelihoods were in jeopardy before they switched to lingerie.

Their new online business has proved a huge success with items on sale to western customers for more than £50, reports the Daily Telegraph.

The famous intricate patterns have been maintained, but critics say their skimpy pants, bras and G-strings are bringing shame upon a respectable craft.

Mieczylaw Kamieniarz, who runs the lace museum in Koniakow, said: "All of Koniakow is ashamed.

"We have made Koniakow lace for altar cloths, priests' robes, even the Pope himself. And now people are going to wear Koniakow lace on their bottoms."

But Malgorzata Stanaszek, who set up Koni-Art underwear, said: "We weren't selling much lace so we had to think of something. It wasn't one woman's idea, it was more like a collective idea."

She pointed out that the money coming in from the new products was helping to fund the church.

"If we listened to everything the priest says, we wouldn't earn a penny," she said. "Anyway he'll have to come to terms with it soon. The stringi are funding his contributions."