Subject: Daily Dose - 070130 - George's Collection
Today's collection courtesy of
George...
***
One day, when a seamstress was
sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her
thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in
making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the
water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?"
the Lord asked
The seamstress replied,
"No."
The Lord again dipped into the
river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?"
the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied,
"No."
The Lord reached down again and came
up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?"
the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied,
"Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the
woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress
went home happy.
Some ye ars later, the seams tress
was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the
river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again
appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen
into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water
and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?"
the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the
seamstress.
The Lord was furious."You lied!
That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh,
forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to
George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to
him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be
able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George
Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever
a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of
others.
______________________________
The $2 Bill. Everyone should start
carrying them!
I am STILL laughing!! I think we
need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. Our younger
generation doesn't know they exist.
STORY:
On my way home from work, I stopped
at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2
bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not
have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a
$50 bill.
Me: "Hi, I'd like one
seven-layer burrito please, to go "
Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat
in?"
Me:"No, it's to go."
At this point, I open my billfold
and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec,
I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who
is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the
two of them:
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2
bill?"
Manager: "No.. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy
just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something
else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."
Server: "Yeah, thought so
." He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have
anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't
take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says
legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, why won't you take
it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a
sec."
He goes back to his manager, who has
been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I
have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have
anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll
get it and you can open the safe and get change "
Manager: "I'm not opening the
safe with him in here."
Server: "What should I
do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back
later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that!
You tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way! This is weird.
I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says,
"I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."
Me: "It's only seven o'clock!
Well then, here's a two dollar bill."
Manager: "We don't take those,
either."
Me: "Why not?"
Manager:"I think you know
why."
Me: "No really, tell me
why."
Manager: "Please leave before I
call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I
call mall security."
Me: "What on earth for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call
them."
Manager: "Would you please just
leave?"
Me: "No"
Manager: "Fine -- have it your
way then."
Me: "Hey, that's Burger King,
isn't it?"
At this point, he backs away from me
and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people
staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for
effect.
A few minutes later this
45-year-oldish guy Comes in.
Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's
up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy
is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."
Guard:"No kidding! What?"
Manager: "Get this .. A two
dollar bill."
Guard (incredulous): "Why would
a guy fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. He's
kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
Guard:"Oh, so the fifty's
fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar
bill is."
Guard:"Why would he fake a two
dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you
talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard:"Yeah." Security
Guard walks over to me and...
Guard:"Mike here tells me you
have some fake bills you're trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard:"Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard:"Do you want me to get
the cops in here?"
At this point I am ready to say,
"Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say "I'm just trying to
buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.
I put the bill up near his face, and
he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a
few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this
bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Guard:"It doesn't look fake to
me."
Manager "But it's a two dollar
bill."
Guard:"Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such
thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both look
at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue. So, it
turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and
some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of
two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the
right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food
there, too.
Just think... that manager and
server probably voted last week..................
______________________________
A Scotsman walking down the street
sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you
let me bite your breasts for $100?
"Are you nuts?!!!" she
replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the
block and gets to the cornerbefore she does. "Would you let me bite your
breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind
of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next
block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once
for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and
says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars - Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to
that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she
takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon
as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly,
kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and
asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the
Scotsman... "Costs too much..."
______________________________
Lovemaking Tips For Seniors
1: Put on your glasses. Double check
that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2: Set timer for 2 minutes, just in
case you doze off in the middle of the act.
3: Set the mood with lighting. Turn
them all OFF!
4: Make sure you put 911 on your
speed dial before you begin.
5: Write partner's name on your
hand, just in case you can't remember it.
6: Keep the Polygrip close by, so
your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7: Have Extra-Strength Tylenol
ready, just in case you actually complete what you started.
8: Make all the noise you want.
Doesn't matter. The neighbors are deaf, too.
9: If it happens, call everyone you
know with the good news.
10: Don't even think about trying it
twice!
A French scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with
declining sexual activity read their e-mails with their right hand on the
mouse.*
Don't bother taking it off ~~~ It's
too late!
______________________________
Actual call centre conversations
!!!!!
Customer: "I've been
ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you
help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
***
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me
the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry,
sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5,
of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from
the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give
me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you
mean the telephone point on the wall".
***
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European
Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the
product name give you a clue?"
***
Caller (enquiring about legal
requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in
France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
***
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the
number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry,
there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to
be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
***
Then there was the caller who asked
for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you
sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what
it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
***
On another occasion, a man making
heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm
steaming up the window to write the number on".
***
Tech
Support: "I need you to right-click on the
Open Desktop".
Customer:
"OK".
Tech
Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer:
"No".
Tech
Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see
a pop-up menu?"
Customer:
"No".
Tech
Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you
have done up until this point?".
Customer:
"Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
***
Tech Support: "OK.
In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button
displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can
you see my screen from there?"
***
Caller: "I deleted a file
from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my
system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
______________________________
A wise old Saskatchewan farm boy went to town to trade for a pickup truck he
saw advertised in the paper for an unbelievably low price. After showing the
salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork.
The salesman handed the farmer the keys
and the bill, to which the Sask. farm boy angrily declared, "This ain't
the price I saw!"
The salesman went on to tell the
wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows,
special tires etc. and that made the final price higher.
The farmer wanted only that truck
and no other, so he begrudgingly paid the price and drove it home.
A few months later, the salesman
called the Farmer; "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do
you have any good cows for sale?"
"Yep, I've a few good cows
priced to sell at $500 each. Come on out and take your pick."
The salesman said he and his son
would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all
the farmer's cows, they decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write a
check for $500.
"Now, wait a minute, that's not
the final price of the cow. You're gettin' extras and you have to pay for
those, too!"
"What extras?" asked
the salesman.
"I think you'll find all you're
gettin' listed here!"
BASIC COW - - $500.00
Two tone exterior - - $45.00
Extra stomach - - $75.00
Product storing equipment - - $60.00
Straw compartment - - $120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea - - $40.00
Leather upholstery - - $125.00
Dual horns - - $45.00
Automatic fly swatter - - $38.00
Fertilizer attachment - - $185.00
GRAND TOTAL
$1,233.00
NEVER TRY TO OUTWIT A GOOD OLD
SASKATCHEWAN FARM BOY!
