Subject: Daily Dose - 070128 - More Bad/Good News, THIS is TRUE, Shakespearean insult, DDL, Rotten News

More Bad/Good News

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

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THIS is TRUE...

IDIOT OF THE WEEK #644: Anti-abortion protestor David Robert McMenemy, 45, allegedly scoured the Midwest looking for an abortion clinic when he found a women's clinic in Davenport, Iowa, federal prosecutors say. There, the Michigan resident allegedly drove his car through the front of the clinic, doused it with gasoline and set it on fire. "McMenemy hoped his actions would stop or disrupt the [clinic's] activities and save some [babies'] lives," federal indictment papers note. There was just one problem with his plan: the clinic does not perform abortions, but rather offers pre-natal care to poor women. "We think he intended for it to be a suicide but he found out burning would be too painful," said the county prosecutor. The clinic suffered about $170,000 in damage and was closed for weeks. (Davenport Quad-City Times)
...So pretty much all he accomplished was to stop or disrupt the clinic's activities and risk many babies' lives.

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SEPTUAGENARIAN SCANDAL: Sister Silvia Gomes De Sousa, 39, has been charged with threatening to murder and with arson after allegedly setting fire to the house of the village priest in Roccalumera, Sicily, Italy. Why? She stopped by the house where Fr. Carmelo Mantarro, 70, lives and "I just flipped when I came to the house and caught him in bed with another woman who is married," she testified in a court proceeding. "We had been together four years and I had even had two abortions because of him." (London Daily Mail)
...John 8:7.

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UNDERESTIMATED: When Susan Kuhnhausen, 51, got home from work, she surprised a man inside her home. She was unarmed -- the man had a hammer -- but Kuhnhausen was able to overpower him. After a struggle, where he hit her with the hammer and bit her, she strangled him and ran to a neighbor's for help. By the time police arrived, Edward Dalton Haffey, 59, was dead. "You didn't need to calm her -- she's an emergency room nurse," said the neighbor. "She's used to dealing with crisis. She was very clear thinking and took care of the problem." Haffey was no burglar, police say, but rather a hit man hired by her husband, Michael, to kill her. He worked with Haffey, and allegedly helped him disarm the burglar alarm at the house. Michael was charged with conspiracy to murder and is being held on $2 million bail. His apparent motive: Susan was divorcing him, and he didn't want the split. (Portland Oregonian)
...At least it's a bit understandable why a weasel like that didn't want to confront her face-to-face.

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OVERESTIMATED: The town of Palm Beach, Fla., is getting a Starbucks coffee house, despite opposition by some of the more snooty homeowners. The store was approved, but an emergency council moratorium quickly followed to keep out any other "formula" restaurants until they can be permanently outlawed. "Nine thousand people live here in magnificent homes with [servants]," said one resident. "Do you think they're going to send their help down to Starbucks?" (Palm Beach Post)
...Certainly, since none of the servants are paid enough to be able to afford a $5 cup of coffee for themselves.

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DOESN'T THAT HAPPEN EVERY YEAR? "Clown is Running for Mayor of Alameda"
-- AP headline

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Next time that you are at a loss for a good insult, use this handy table to construct a Shakespearean insult. Combine one word from each of the three columns below, and preface it with the word "Thou":

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DDL

On the talk show last night, Dr. Ellis,
The sex shrink, took two hours to tell us,
It's all right to enjoy,
A rosy-cheeked boy,
So long as your sheep don't get jealous.

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"Are you like me and on Thanksgiving you really didn't give thanks until the relatives went home?"
--Jay Leno

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"Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got getting married last week, and Tom gave all the guests hand-embroidered towels that bear his and Katie Holmes's initials. Not only that, Katie gave all the guests hand-scrawled notes that say, 'Help me!'"
--Conan O'Brien

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"President Bush is in Southeast Asia... and because of the metric system over there, his approval rating is actually 62."
--David Letterman

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"According to a new report, the most frequently delayed flight in the country is Delta's 6:30 flight from New York to Washington, D.C. - which is late 100 percent of the time. Delta officials plan to fix the problem by re-naming the 6:30 flight the '7:30 flight.'"
--Conan O'Brien

***

Willie Nelson was recently busted witha bag of marijuana. When asked about it, he said, "It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana. If it had been a bag of spinach, I'd be dead by now."

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"I just heard that Rep. Mark Foley never used a bookmark. Nope. He always just bends over the pages."
--Jay Leno, I think

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Rotten News.... (true)

80 live rats escape on flight

People on a flight panicked when 80 live rats escaped from a passenger's rucksack.

It happened on a Saudi Airlines flight to the city of Tabuk in northwest Saudi Arabia, reports Arab News.

The plane was flying at a height of 25,000ft when the rats were spotted running around the floor. The captain warned ground crews at Tabuk airport who called in specialist teams to deal with the rodents.

It wasn't until the plane landed that it was discovered the rats had been brought on to the plane by a passenger.
The man admitted he had 80 live rats in a leather rucksack which had somehow managed to escape during the flight.

The passenger was handed over to security authorities to continue investigations.

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Pilot sees plane take off without him

A pilot watched in horror as his plane took off without him.

The airman, 70, saw it soar into the sky and do a loop before crashing, reports the Mirror. The unnamed pilot had clung on to the wing to prevent it taking off at Barton Aerodrome, near Manchester, but lost his grip and fell off.

The drama began when the engine of the single-seater Luton LA4A cut out while the plane taxied. The pilot left the cockpit to restart the motor manually but accidentally nudged the throttle lever open. When he spun the propeller the engine roared into life and the plane surged down the runaway leaving the flyer stranded.

The plane was severely damaged but the pilot escaped with cuts and bruises.

An Air Accidents Investigation Branch investigation said the pilot did not realise he had knocked the throttle on because he was wearing padded clothing.

The plane is registered to Stephen Smith of Lancaster but he is not believed to have been the pilot.

A Barton Aerodrome spokesman declined to comment.

*******

Maggots on the menu

A German restaurant claims to be fully booked for weeks after adding maggots to the menu.

Dishes at the Espitas restaurant in Dresden include maggot ice cream, maggot salads and maggot cocktails.

The restaurant is importing the "nutritious and extremely tasty" maggots from Mexico.

Espitas owner Alexander Wolf said: "We are the first in the world as far as I know to start importing them.

"What started out as a bit of a joke has exceeded all expectations. We started serving them about a month ago, and now we have guests spreading the word to their friends, and we are now fully booked for weeks ahead.

"Most are disgusted but try them out of curiosity or for a dare, and are actually amazed at how good they taste. Many people come back again, and usually bring more friends with them.

"We serve maggot salads, fried maggots with cactus and corn, maggot desserts such as maggots in ice cream or chocolate sauce, and of course maggot cocktails.

"The maggots have proved to be such a success, that I now preparing my next project: a delicious traditional Mexican dish of ant eggs and grasshoppers in several variations."

Teenager Sarah Azubi, 17, said: I had them deep fried, they were crunchy like chips and tasted a bit like nuts, with a soft juicy bit in the middle around a crunchy shell."