Subject: Daily Dose - 070127 - Paid a yfed y dwr, dog shit, BIZARRE NEWS, , DDL, Rotten News

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger he shouted over to the man, "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's poisoned!)

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and again yelled, "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's poisoned. Sheep crap in the water.)

Still the man couldn't hear the farmer.

Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said, "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's poisoned. Don't drink it!)

"I'm dreadfully sorry, my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said. Can't you speak English?" said the man at the stream in a extremely fine British accent.

"Oh I see..." said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get plenty more in."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Resumes

HOW NOT TO WRITE A RESUME. These excerpts were compiled from actual resumes and have appeared in magazines and numerous online publications.

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

"Physical disabilities include minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customer conflicts that arouse."

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Can You Have Sex With A Dead Deer?

Bryan James Hathaway, Wisconsin man, 20, is facing charges that he had sex last month with a dead deer.

Hathaway, who previously has served time for killing a horse he intended to sexually assault, allegedly found the deer in a ditch alongside a roadway. Now Hathaway's lawyer has filed a court motion arguing that since the animal was already dead, Hathaway should not face a misdemeanor rape of sexual gratification with an animal.

"The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass," lawyer Fredric Anderson wrote in the motion filed in Douglas County Circuit Court.

As reported in today's Daily Telegram, in response to Anderson's motion, prosecutor James Boughner noted that state criminal statutes did not seem to "draw a line between the living and the dead." Judge Michael Lucci.

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Gun Safety Class Ends With A Bang

ANDERSON, S.C. A gunshot was fired into the floor in an Anderson County middle school after a student accidentally pulled the trigger of a deputy's holstered gun.

The gun fired Wednesday morning after a student grabbed it as the deputy told them how hard it was to take a gun from an officer's holster, Sheriff David Crenshaw said. The student's finger apparently was small enough to get inside the holster and pull the trigger, the sheriff said.

The bullet fired into the floor, and debris cut and scratched two students. But no one was seriously injured, school officials said.

The sheriff's office has begun an internal investigation and the officer involved is on administrative leave, said Crenshaw, who would not identify the deputy or say whether he would be paid while on leave.

"The officer there today had a major lapse in judgment," Crenshaw said Wednesday. "He was just trying to be nice to the kids and made a faulty decision. It was an accident. The good Lord blessed us that nobody got hurt."

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This Kidnapper Had Balls

WICHITA, Kan. - A Wichita, Kan., man was recovering in custody Thursday after shooting himself in the groin and the gun went off again as he doubled over in pain.

Wichita police didn't identify the 23-year-old man, but said he was one of three who were trying to kidnap a teenager Monday in a dispute over stereo speakers. The man pulled a gun from his waistband and fired one shot, which missed the teenager, police said. He then shoved the gun back into the waistband of his pants, and it discharged, hitting his left testicle, the Wichita Eagle reported. Doubling over in pain caused the gun to go off again, and the bullet hit his left calf, police said.

The man managed to limp to a medical center, where he was treated and police arrested and jailed him for suspicion of aggravated assault and aggravated attempted kidnapping.

The two companions were also later arrested for aggravated attempted kidnapping and conspiracy to obstruct justice, the newspaper said.

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Fire Alarm-Pulling Ape, At It Again

DES MOINES, Iowa - A 20-year-old ape who made headlines last month by pulling a fire alarm at an Iowa research center is at it again.

Al Setka, a spokesman for the Great Ape Trust told the Des Moines (Iowa) Register that Panbanisha indicated on an electronic symbol board she wanted outside Wednesday morning, but staff were busy. Re-enacting the stunt that gained her fame last month, the bonobo then pulled the fire alarm.

After the first incident researchers said they would install protective coverings on the fire alarms apes can reach, but Setka said the work began Wednesday after the false alarm.

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A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

The big guy punches him in the mouth.

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DDL

There was a young girl named Elias,
Whose panties were cut on the bias.
In back was a loop,
Through which she could poop,
And through which she got laid once or twice.

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"Democrats say that now that they control the House and Senate they plan to raise the minimum wage. The Democrats say they're raising the minimum wage because something must be done to protect Kevin Federline's future."
--Conan O'Brien

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"A popular item this year is gift cards. There's nothing like saying, 'I don't care, I don't know what you want, but have this and you'll find something you like at this store.'"
--Jay Leno

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"Did you hear about this? Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting a divorce. Boy, I didn't see that coming. I'm telling you, if these kids can't make a go of it, what chance do any of us have?"
--Dave Letterman

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"Do you get drowsy after eating turkey? It's the chemical in it. Here's what my mom does. She has a little secret. Before she puts the turkey in the oven she puts a nicotine patch on it."
--Dave Letterman

***

"This week, a restaurant in Arizona began selling The Quadruple Bypass Burger. It has four slabs of beef weighing two lbs., three cheese layers, four bacon rashers, lettuce and tomato. Then, to help you get to your car, they take the grease from the bacon and lubricate the doorframes."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"I finally saw the '40 Year Old Virgin'. It was a line of guys waiting for the Playstation 3."
--Jay Leno

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Rotten News....  (true)

Pole Dancing - for kids

A fitness instructor is to launch pole dancing classes - for children as young as 11.

Laraine Riddell wants to teach boys and girls to spin up and down on the poles, reports Metro. The 38-year-old, who also teaches adults to pole dance, believes there is nothing sexual about children learning the moves.

These involve lifting and resistance work which builds youngsters' muscles, she explained. "It has nothing to do with what you see in strip clubs," said Ms Riddell. "It is a way of getting fit and having fun."

Children's charity Kidscape have condemned the move, in Choppington, Northumberland.

Kidscape director Michele Elliott said: "Pole dancing is an activity where women on stage are given money which is stuck in their underwear. To teach 12-year-old girls pole dancing is out of order. I am sure pole dancing is good exercise - but so is stripping. Strippers have great bodies. By all means give the kids exercise, but just skip the poles."

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Red-faced residents want new name

Residents of the Swedish village of Fjuckby are campaigning for their community to be given a new name.

They complain globalisation has led to rude English-language associations making them an international laughing stock. But they are also embarrassed that the Swedish word 'juck' means the same thing, reports The Local.

"There should not be any doubt at all that, as a result of relatively new associations, the pronunciation and spelling of the place name 'Fjuckby', today arouses ridicule, teasing and hilarity in the general public," wrote inhabitant Katriina Flensburg on behalf of her fellow villagers.

The villagers add that the name Fjuckby makes it difficult to sell property or run a successful business, and call for an immediate name change.

The delegation requests that the name Fjukeby be reinstated. Until as late as the 1930s this was the accepted spelling .

The Local speculates that if Fjuckby gets its way, similar campaigns may be launched in Anusviken, Arslet and Dicken.

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Photographer criticised

A photographer has come under fire in China for his pictures of a man falling off a bicycle.

The man came a spectacular cropper in Xiamen city after his bike hit a pot-hole submerged in rainwater.

But photographer Liu Tao was accused of lying in wait to take his pictures instead of warning people of the danger.

Readers of the Beijing Youth Daily, which published the shots, wrote in to express their feelings.

One wrote: "The pictures are well shot, but the person who shot this is disgusting. He knew there was a pit, but was waiting there for someone to fall over."

And another said: "The photographer should really be condemned since he knew there definitely would be other victims."

Liu defended himself, saying: "I just knew that the city government has paved the pit, and without my pictures, the pit would not be noticed by the government, and there would perhaps be more people falling over."