Subject: Daily Dose - 070124 - Another Onion Edition

Today's news report parodies scammed from the "Onion"...

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African Children Given 30,000 Unused 'Save Darfur' T-Shirts

November 17, 2006 | Issue 42•47

SAN FRANCISCO—Citing poor U.S. sales, San Francisco-based Me Tees T-shirts announced Tuesday that nearly 30,000 of their cream-colored, green-lettered "Save Darfur" T-shirts will be donated to the children of Darfur.

"Frankly, we thought this would be a more popular issue," a Mee Tees spokeswoman said. "If we can no longer make money on these T-shirts, we might as well do some good and send them to the poor, victimized Sudanese children."

Due to their continued massive popularity in the industrialized world, no Che Guevara T-shirts will be donated to the stricken region.

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Daylight Saving Time Yields Massive Daylight Surplus

October 25, 2006 | Issue 42•43

WASHINGTON, DC—Energy Secretary Samuel W. Bodman announced Monday that the country's seven-month-long effort to conserve sunshine has resulted in the largest national daylight surplus since October 2005.

"We have built up over 200 hours of this precious, life-giving resource," said Bodman, noting that "the sun's rays are not going to last forever." "We have decided it would be most prudent not to squander this valuable daylight by distributing it to Americans, instead suggesting that they all just wake up a little earlier."

Bodman said the surplus will be stored in the Strategic Daylight Reserve—a system of opaque, sealed-off underground tanks located in Arizona—and only tapped in the case of the sun burning out or a particularly rainy afternoon.

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Scuba Diver Expressing Either Joy Or Terror

October 24, 2006 | Issue 42•43

KEY WEST, FL—Fellow scuba divers who witnessed Sam Gemitter's wild gesticulations, inaudible vocal noises, and bulging, wide-open eyes, remained unclear Monday if he was expressing either joy or terror at the sight of something he saw behind a giant coral reef.

"He swam back to us pretty fast, but I didn't know if he was trying to get away from what he saw, or if he wanted us to come see," snorkeler Brian Celli said. "He was definitely excited one way or the other."

As of press time, Gemitter had not returned his equipment to the scuba-rental booth, either because he is still enjoying the beauty of the ocean depths or is dead.

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Former Marine Sniper Slapped With 3,000-Yard Restraining Order

November 1, 2006 | Issue 42•44

MACON, GA—Citing Emily Holman's right to feel safe traversing vast open spaces, especially when within visual range of clock towers, parking structures, and tall buildings, a judge awarded the 28-year-old a 3,000-yard restraining order yesterday against her former boyfriend, retired Marine sniper Gordon Lee Blackwood.

"When we broke up he started calling me 10 times a day from his job," said Holman, who realized Blackwood's office building, which had an open, flat roof, was only 1,800 yards away. "He had me flinching every time I saw sunlight glinting off any surface within two and a half miles."

Blackwood would not comment on the judge's decision, saying only that he still loved Holman and was trying to understand the distance and crosswinds that separated them.

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Pectoral Muscles Targeted By Fitness Fundamentalists

September 21, 2006 | Issue 42•38

SANA'A, YEMEN—A videotaped statement shown Monday on Yemeni television provides the most conclusive evidence yet that the Muslim bodybuilding extremist group al-Huuruugh has acquired dumbbells from an unknown source and could use them to target vulnerable, undeveloped muscle groups in their pectoral region.

"I call upon the world to stand witness as I violently and repeatedly blast these pecs, purifying and rebuilding them into a shape pleasing to Allah!" a masked, shirtless weightlifter said in the tape, over the strains of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." "Seven! Eight! Nine! God is great, and so are my pecs, trapezius muscles, lower back, and abs! Thirteen! Fourteen! The great Satan Of Flab will soon feel the burn!"

State Department officials said the group is almost certainly a danger to themselves if they do not use better form and stretch thoroughly afterward.

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7/23/2006

Next "Cheaper by the Dozen" Film to be Shot in Lebanon

(Los Angeles, CA) Twentieth Century Fox has announced that the third installment of the popular "Cheaper by the Dozen" series will be set in Beirut, and will feature a guest appearance by Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah.

Director Adam Shankman expressed "high excitement" about the chemistry between co-stars Steve Martin, Bonnie Hunt, and the radical Islamic political leader.

"There are hijinks aplenty when the Baker family tries to put up a Christmas tree, but Nasrallah orders a rocket attack on the Baker house because they are filthy infidels," chuckled Shankman. "Hoo-eee! Tom Baker sure gets feisty when his homestead is destroyed, and only four of his children survive the firestorm. Ha!"

Shankman said that the somber death scene will be "cathartic," and a bit of a departure from previous "Cheaper" films.

"Yeah, the part where Tom Baker is holding the severed left arm of 11-year-old Sarah [played by Alyson Stoner] is kind of dark," he admitted. "But when Steve Martin starts up with the physical comedy of tripping all over the dead bodies of his kids, our test audiences laughed themselves silly. You've just gotta see the wackiness!"

Shankman said the film will be shot on location, and that "hundreds" of local residents will be used for the climatic battle between the Baker family and the forces of Hezbollah.

"We will be using live rounds, and it will probably be a one-take deal," he said. "While the weaponry is not cheap, we will be able to make up for the costs by paying these Lebanese f*ckers like $2 a day. Hell, that's even cheaper than we pay those 'Bum Fight' participants. We may have to move our studios to Beirut after the shelling stops."

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6/21/2006

Village People to Add Episcopal Bishop to Band Lineup

(New York) Disco group the Village People, seeking to update their look, announced Wednesday that they will be adding an Episcopalian bishop to their cast of gay-themed characters.

"Given the willingness of the US Episcopal Church to embrace gay bishops, we thought it was time to recognize the contributions of clerics," said group member Felipe Rose, who is the Native American character in the group. "Of course, Robbie [the bishop character] is not a real bishop, but he did go to vacation Bible school as a kid."

Rose said that the group considered bringing in a female to play the gay bishop role.

"We had a problem with songs like 'Macho Man,' though," he admitted. "Whenever we would audition a lesbian bishop, the song came across kind of, well, threatening and butch. It just didn't work, you know? It was worse than Britney Spears on Dateline."

The new bishop seems to be adding a new dimension to concerts, added Rose.

"We have him walk out and sprinkle the crowd with holy water during 'In the Navy,'" he said. "The only time it was a problem was when a fan grabbed the vessel and drank it. Robbie got really pissed and smacked him with his scepter. It was a bad scene, but what are you going to do? Some people just can't have a good time without spoiling it for everyone else."

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Huge willy seen from space

Jokers drew a huge willy on the roof of a school that was so large it could be spotted from space.

However, the willy wasn't noticed until it was seen on Google Earth.

It is thought former pupils at Yarm School at Stockton on Tees carried out the prank.

According to the Sun one former pupil said: "A couple of ex-students hopped over the school fence on a weekend and went unnoticed by guards.

"They managed to get on the roof of the Friary building and somehow mark on the willy. They also burnt a manhood into the grass."

Although the willy on the roof has been removed the outline can still be seen on Google.

A spokesman for Google said: "If users spot something offensive we would consider having it removed."