Subject: Daily Dose - 070121 - Gift, THIS is TRUE, Trinidad, DDL, Rotten
News
Three blondes are sitting in a café
talking about what to get their boyfriends for Christmas.
"It's funny," said
Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I blow him! I think I
should get him some ball warmers for Christmas."
"You know what?" replied
Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"
They turn to the third blonde,
Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I
never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" exclaimed Candi.
"You're crazy," Samantha
piped up. "A good BJ is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it! It
would make a great Christmas gift for Chris!"
Candi says she'll think about it.
The next time they meet at the café it is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a
wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the Jenny asked.
"How did you get that black eye?"
"Chris hit me when I was
blowing him," Candi said.
"What on earth for?" the
Jenny asked.
"I don't know," Candi
replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present like you two suggested. I
mentioned how strange it was that his balls were so warm, when Pete and
Richard's were so cold, and he punched me."
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
EXPOSE YOURSELF TO ART: A 5th grade
class at Fisher Elementary School in Frisco, Texas, got a rare treat: a field
trip to the Dallas Museum of Art. Art teacher Sydney McGee, a 28-year veteran,
got parental permission slips and discussed with museum staff what she wanted
the kids to see. But after they got back, Principal Nancy Lawson reprimanded
McGee because one of the students caught sight of a nude statue during the
visit, and the student's parent complained. Due to the "hostility"
she experienced after the incident, McGee asked to be transferred to another
school, but school administrators and the local school board refused that
request. Instead, McGee has been suspended with pay until her contract runs
out, and then she will be fired. District Superintendent Rick Reedy backs the
action. "You have to start somewhere when you've seen things you don't
believe are in the best interest of the students," he said. (Dallas
Morning News)
...Right, like electing a new school board, and hiring a new superintendent and
principal.
***
THE FRIENDLY SKIES: After visiting
her son in Stoney Creek, Ont., Canada, Hetwig Strohmeier, 87, flew home to her
native Germany. But security screeners at Toronto's Pearson Airport wouldn't
let her get on the plane until it had confiscated her heart medication -- which
she must take every four hours. "What did they think were in the pill
bottles with my mother's name on them," demanded her son, Helmut.
"Dynamite?" By the time she arrived in Germany 12 hours later, he
said, she was in "bad shape." A Canadian Air Transport Security Authority
spokesman said the great-grandmother didn't file a complaint. (Canadian Press)
...Of course not. Every time she tried she was told "Ich spreche nicht
Deutsches."
***
CANUCK AVIATION ACTIVITIES II: The
pilot of an Air Canada Jazz flight from Ottawa to Winnipeg stepped out 20
minutes from Winnipeg to go to the restroom. When he finished, he found he was
locked out of the cockpit and couldn't get back in to land the plane.
Passengers watched as the captain banged on the cockpit door for 10 minutes, but
apparently neither the first officer nor the flight attendant in the cockpit
with him could get the door open. The pilot finally took the door off its
hinges in time to land the plane. Air Canada admitted the incident did occur,
but said that a pilot lockout is a "non-reportable incident" that
doesn't have to be reported to Transport Canada. (Ottawa Citizen)
...Don't worry: the next terrorist that tries taking the cockpit door off its
hinges won't bother to report it either.
***
LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE: A man who
stepped out of a bank in Orlando, Fla., looked suspicious to passersby.
"Witnesses said they could see smoke coming out of his pants," a
police spokeswoman said. Sure enough, the bank had just been robbed, and the
thief had stuffed the loot down his pants. Included with the bills was a dye
pack, which exploded shortly after he went out the door. Police stopped Kenneth
Ray Brooks, 42, and were pretty sure they had the right guy: his crotch was
still smoldering and his hands were dyed bright red. "The suspect was
taken to a local hospital as a result of possible burning injuries to his
person," the arrest report noted. (Orlando Sentinel)
...Not to mention impact injuries from trying to beat out the fire.
***
SINCE, OBVIOUSLY, HE'S NOT GAINFULLY
EMPLOYED: "Politician Wins Alimony from Ex-Wife"
-- Reuters headline
______________________________
Tiring of the same old buzz cut from
the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut.
The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from.
"Trinidad," I said.
"Is that in Arabia?"
"The Caribbean."
She laughed, "Sorry, I never
was very good at geometry."
______________________________
DDL
A homely old spinster of France,
Who all the men looked on askance,
Threw her skirt overhead
And jumped into bed,
Saying, "Now I've at least half a chance."
______________________________
"Thirty people in New Jersey
are sick from ecoli after eating at a Taco Bell. As a result they took the
ecoli taco off the menu."
--Jay Leno
***
"Last night, the Billboard
Music Awards aired without co-hosts Paris Hilton and Britney Spears -- who
backed out at the last minute. Luckily, the banter that had been written for
Paris and Britney sound just as good coming from a lamp and a stapler."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Britney's pal Lindsay Lohan
has been, according to her publicist, she has been going to AA meetings.
Doesn't anyone recognize the fact that the second word of AA is
Anonymous?"
--Craig Ferguson
***
"I tried to make money as a
kid. I had a lemonade stand for about six weeks. I made no money. I had to burn
it down and collect insurance."
--Brian Kiley
***
"My girlfriend is at that stage
when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel
guilty and immature."
--Kevin Hench
***
"My father would say things
that made no sense at all, like, 'If I were the last person on earth, some
moron would turn left in front of me.'"
--Louie Anderson
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Surf's Up for Stalin
An album of Stalin-era prison songs
mixed with Hawaiian-style surf music is proving an unlikely hit in eastern
Europe.
Creator Mikhail Antipov said Gulag
Tunes, which has a cover showing Stalin draped in a Hawaiian-style garland of
skulls, has been flying off shelves in Moscow. And he said thousands of copies
had been ordered across eastern Europe.
He added: "We call this classic
rebellious prison music 'blatniye pesni' and I have added luau-style percussion
and keyboards. It is so popular because the topic is very rich, and no one has
ever done this before."
Songs include a take on the classic
Vaninsky Port which refers to a network of Stalin-era prison camps and includes
the line: "You will lose your mind against your will. From there, there is
no way back."
**********
Wife Chopped Of Late Hubby's Willy
A German woman chopped off her dead
husband's penis - to pickle it as a souvenir of their marriage.
Uta Schneider, 65, used a butcher's
knife to hack off Heinrich's manhood in a Stuttgart hospital, reports The Sun.
She wrapped it in foil and put it in
a lunchbox to take home but was spotted by a nurse and arrested.
Uta, who was wed to Heinrich, 68,
for 35 years, is accused of mutilation.
She reportedly told police: "It
was his best asset and gave me so much pleasure. I wanted to pickle it for
eternity - he would have wanted it. We called it his joystick. I wanted it to
remember him by."
*************
World's most expensive teabag made
The world's most expensive teabag
has been created.
The diamond teabag worth £7,500 has
been made by Boodles jewellers to celebrate PG Tips 75th birthday.
The tea bag took three months to
make has been hand-crafted using 280 diamonds.
Pete Harbour, spokesman for PG Tips
said: "As it's our 75th birthday, we wanted to do something special to
remind people just how much they love the great British cup of tea."
The tea bag will eventually be used
as part of a prize draw to raise money for Manchester Children's Hospitals, a
charity chosen by workers at the PG Tips factory in Trafford Park, Manchester.