Subject: Daily Dose - 070117 - More groaners

Edison

Not many people know that Edison was an avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations.

During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay.

On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians' privvy.

He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

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Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waitress brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waitress over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waitress, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so solly," says the waitress, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

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Princess Falling Rock

A long, long time ago in a valley next to the Great Forest in the high mountains, there lived an Indian Princess named Falling Rock who was one of the most beautiful women that ever was. She was sought after by many braves from all the different tribes. Braves came from afar to seek her hand in marriage and there were so many suitors, all with about the same amount of gifts, that her father, the Great Chief, decided to let her decide for herself which one she would choose.

There were so many young, good looking braves that she was having a hard time making a decision. So, she walked into the Great Forest to get away from everything and where there would be peace and quiet so she could make her decision.

Concentrating so heavily on her decision, she was unaware that she had traveled so far and alas, she became lost. Try as she would, she could not find her way back home and became stranded in the Great forest.

When the news spread through the tribes, no time was lost. Immediately the people began to frantically search. But still the Princess could not be found!

An emergency meeting was called and the people waited breathlessly outside the Great Chief's lodge.

Finally the Great Chief came forth and called upon all the suitors. A party was quickly formed and then set out into the Great Forest to find the Princess.

Alas, the party would return without success. They would search again, but to no avail. As days gave into weeks, and weeks into moons, and moons into seasons, the searchers would still continue, but no sign of the Princess could be found.

Neighboring tribes were called into the search, and even when the White Man entered into the valley, they too were asked if they had seen the Princess. But never would she be found.

And so the legend grows. Some say the Princess still roams the Great Forest and some say you can still see some of the braves searching for her. And that is why, even until this day, when you travel through the mountains, you may see along the road a sign that says:

Watch for Falling Rock

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The Looter

Israeli police arrested a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa.

The suspect is described as the son of an ex-nun from Barcelona and a German father.

He was a former flutist and worked occasionally as a farmer.

(You are either gonna love this or want to shoot me!)

In short, he was a Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son of a  nun from Barcelona, part time plowboy Joe.

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The increased use of Viagra by seniors created a demand for a sexual lubricant to address the special needs of that age group. The makers of K-Y jelly have developed a new lubricant called Oil of Old Lay.

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Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah.

Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.

When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to a football game.

Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon. The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.

This is believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

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The Lobster and the Crab

Once upon a time there was a lobster named Larry and a sand crab named Sam who were fantastic musicians on the disco circuit.

They jammed for many years until one night, after a gig and a few beers, they stepped out of a club and were run down and killed by a Mack truck.

Larry the Lobster goes to heaven and Sam the Sand Crab goes to hell.

One day Larry says to St. Peter, "I sure miss my old buddy Sam, I hear he has his own disco down there. Do you think I could go visit him and jam some, just one more time?"

St. Peter says, "I think you can have a one time, one-evening pass to Hell to jam with Sam." Larry is elated and asks St. Peter for an instrument.

"All we have in Heaven are harps," he says.

Larry the Lobster shrugs and says, "That will just have to do!"

So Larry goes off to hell and has a fantastic time. He and Sam jam all night, just like the old days. When he comes back and sees St. Peter, he thanks him profusely for the pass.

But St. Peter just looks at Larry funny and asks him, "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Larry thinks for a second, then smacks his forehead and says ...

"I left my harp in Sand Crabs Disco."

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Dog in a log

A couple were stunned to find the mirror image of their beloved pet dog - embedded in a log.

Terry Wright and wife Joan were amazed to see a colour vision of their beloved labrador Bess, who died three years ago, set into the grain of a poplar tree.

Terry, 66, was about to throw the log on the fire at their 200-year-old cottage at Antrobus, near Knutsford, when Joan spotted the resemblance.

Terry, a retired carpenter, said: "I'd already thrown it into the log basket when my wife just looked at it and said our Bess had come back.

"I asked if she'd been drinking whisky, but when I looked at the log I was amazed.

"I have been handling wood all my life but I have never seen anything like it before."

Since losing 13-year-old Bess the couple felt unable to have another dog because they felt her loss so much.

Terry said: "It was a big loss and no other dog could replace her. She was brilliant with my wife and was a very good gun dog.

"I've been offered money for the log but no amount will persuade me to part with it.

"Bess has come back to us in the most amazing way and this time she's staying right by our side forever."