Subject: Daily Dose - 070116 - Celebrate, BIZARRE NEWS, Find the Ad, DDL,
Rotten News
Celebrate
John was a crotchety old fellow who
always took breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she
fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding
anniversary.
She fumed, "John! John!! Put
down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding
anniversary today. What do you suggest?"
John put his newspaper down, removed
and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said,
"How about two minutes of silence?"
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Insurance Claims
Coming home I drove into the wrong
house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine
without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary truck
coming the other way.
I pulled away from the side of the
road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove
into a telephone pole.
I was on my way to the doctor with
rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an
accident.
An invisible car came out of
nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
***
Students live in car to win it
DETROIT - Two Michigan State
University students are trying to win an automobile by demonstrating just how
large a lifestyle they can lead spending five days in a car.
Arya Khatiwoda and Keriann Zolman
have a chance to win a 2007 Chevrolet Aveo subcompact if they can stay in
continuous contact with the car at all times and attract the most in-person and
online attention, The Detroit Free Press reports. The Chevrolet competition
comes on the heels of a Nissan Sentra television ad campaign featuring a young
San Francisco man living in his car for a week.
Designed by college students in the
Public Relations Student Society of America, the Chevy program is strictly an
online campaign.
***
Caught someone smoking, call 911
OMAHA - City officials and police in
Omaha, Neb., are taking a new anti-smoking ordinance so seriously, they want
cheaters reported through the 911 emergency system.
The city passed an ordinance that
bans smoking in 97 percent of the city's businesses effective Oct. 2, and while
there have been hardly any complaints of smokers defying the ban, police
consider it just as serious as reporting a road accident, homicide or assault,
WorldNetDaily reported Monday.
Despite the police department's
opinion, Douglas County Emergency director Mark Conrey warned that trivializing
the 911 telephone system to report by-law and ordinance infractions threatens
its reliability and could compromise response times, the report said.
***
Monkey discovers the fire alarm
DES MOINES, Iowa - Primates living
at an ape house in Des Moines, Iowa, are being trained not to play with fire
alarm pull-boxes after one of them sparked a false alarm.
Fire fighters raced to the Great Ape
Trust of Iowa in response to a 911 emergency call triggered by the alarm, the
Des Moines Register reported Tuesday. The culprit was determined to be
Panbanisha, a 25-year-old bonobo, once known as pygmy chimpanzees.
Fire department spokesman Brian
O'Keefe told Radio Iowa it was a first. "We get burglar alarms that are
set off by dogs and cats running around the house but this is the first in the
history of Des Moines Fire where we actually had an animal or primate go over
there and pull the pull-station," he said. "We will ask the Great Ape
Trust to educate the occupants of the seriousness of their actions."
The primate center said it was also
altering the pull-boxes to make them more tamper-resistant, local reports said.
***
Agent Caught Creating Litter and
Writing Ticket
NEW YORK - A sanitation agent was
shown on videotape breaking light bulbs on the street in front of a restaurant
and then writing a littering ticket to the restaurant's owner, a state
assemblyman said.
The video shows the uniformed
Department of Sanitation agent dropping several long fluorescent bulbs in the
Brooklyn street. A street-sweeping truck cleans the mess soon after, and then
the agent writes a $300 ticket to the restaurant's owner for improper disposal
of the lights. The ticket was issued Oct. 19 less than an hour after the H.K.
Tea & Sushi restaurant's surveillance camera caught the agent breaking the
bulbs.
______________________________
Find the Ad!
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs were
roaming in the forest when they came across a lake. The water was enticing and
Snow-White decided to take a bath. So she told the Dwarfs to turn around while
she prepared to take the bath.
The Dwarfs protested vehemently and
then Snow-White relented and said "After I get into the water and you hear
the splash, you can turn around."
Everybody agreed. Snow-White
undressed and as she was about to jump into water, at that very moment, there
was a frog nearby and it leaped into the water before she could.
The moment the dwarfs heard the
SPLASH, the dwarfs turned around and saw that Snow-White was standing totally
NAKED.
Now if this incident is a part of an
advertisement, what product is being advertised?
SEVEN-UP!
______________________________
DDL
There was a young lady from France
Supposed to play at a dance,
She ate a banana
And played the piano
And music came out of her pants.
______________________________
"Washington, D.C. is going to
be smoke free. You won't be able to smoke anywhere in D.C. The one exception is
federal buildings. You know how this happened? Force of habit. All part of, 'Do
as we say, not as we do.'"
--Jay Leno
***
"A woman in India claims that
she has lived to be 120 years old by drinking wine and smoking pot every day.
No one had the heart to tell the stoned woman that she's only 35."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Tom Cruise apologized to
Brooke Shields for saying she shouldn't take the anti-depressants. They
actually became such good friends, Brooke went to his wedding. And she had a
great time. Of course she had a great time, she's on anti-depressants."
--Craig Ferguson
***
"President Bush's Presidential
Library is going to cost $500 million. That's $100 million per book."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson
are getting a divorce. I feel sorry for Kid Rock. It's always the kids that get
hurt most in divorce."
--Jay Leno
***
"In New Jersey hunters will
soon be able to hunt bear. Hunting of bears is being made legal. A word to New
Jersey residents - running over a bear in your Camaro is not hunting."
--Craig Kilborn
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Musical condom hits the high notes
A musical condom designed to play
louder and faster as lovers reach a climax is to go on sale in Ukraine.
Grigoriy Chausovsky, from
Zaporozhye, said his condoms came fitted with a special sensor that registers
when the condom is put on.
It transmits a signal to a miniature
speaker in the base of the condom which play a melody.
He told local media: "As the
sex becomes more passionate, it registers the increased speed of the movements
and plays the melody faster and louder."
**********
Woman MP Demands Hookers for Troops
A top female politician ín Holland
wants Dutch prostitutes sent abroad with the troops to help them relax.
Annemarie Jorritsma, a politician
for the centre-right People's Party for Freedom and Democracy (VVD) and the
mayor of the town of Almere, went on national Dutch TV to demand the 'extra
benefits' for soldiers.
She added: "The army must think
about how their soldiers can let off some steam."
The ideas has been backed by the
Dutch sex workers union which said it thought the idea had some merit. But an
unnamed military spokesman, quoted in the 'Volkskrant' newspaper, expressed
reservations.
He said: "I don't think my wife
would like the idea very much."
There are currently around 2,000
Dutch soldiers stationed outside of the Netherlands, the majority in either
Afghanistan and Bosnia.
************
Lizard's immaculate conception
A female dragon has fertilised her
own eggs in an immaculate conception.
Flora the Komodo dragon's eggs are
due to hatch over Christmas - yet she is still a virgin.
Asexual reproduction - fertilisation
without a male - is known to happen in other lizard species. But this is the
first time it has been confirmed that the Komodo dragon is capable of
self-fertilisation, reports science journal Nature,
Flora laid 11 eggs in May this year,
three of which collapsed. These three eggs were opened and were found to
contain embryos, showing they had been fertilised.
Flora had never mated with a male
dragon or even mixed with one.
DNA tests have now proven that Flora
was both the "mother" and "father" of the fertile eggs.
"Although other lizard species
are known to be able to self-fertilise, this is the first time this has ever
been reported in Komodo dragons," says one of the co-authors of the paper,
Kevin Buley. "Essentially, what we have here is an immaculate conception,
and because the eggs were laid back in May, it is not beyond the realms of
possibility that the incubating eggs could hatch around Christmas time.
"We will be on the lookout for
shepherds, wise men and an unusually bright star in the sky over Chester
Zoo."