Subject: Daily Dose - 070113 - Ttthat's hhhigh, BIZARRE NEWS, U2 concert,
DDL, Tongue Tied
This guy who stutters badly, walks
into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer."
The Bartender, who is badly
humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."
The guy thinks that's pretty high
priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but
that's our price."
The guy pays him and drinks it down.
He then says, " Sssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey, ppplease."
The bartender serves him a shot of
whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00, please."
The guy says, "Ddddamn!
Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but
that's our price."
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey
and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of
my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."
The bartender replies, "Oh
that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were
in here."
The guy shrugs. "Eeeeverything
else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Celebrity Sex Scene
Confessions
"His idea of a romantic kiss
was to go "blaah" and gag me with his tongue. He only improved once
he married Demi Moore.
- Cybil Shepard on Bruce Willis
***
"I enjoyed bumping up against
it even though it had black stuff all over it...By the end of the shoot I was
covered in black goo'.
- Kim Bassinger being turned on by Michael Keaton's Batman costume.
***
Kenneth Williams' moment of
unbridled passion with Joan Sims in "Carry On Up The Khyber" was
somewhat marred by Williams' persistent flatulence.
***
Hygiene conscious Lana Turner chewed
gum to keep her mouth fresh for her kissing scenes. During the filming of
"Homecoming," Clark Gable kissed her so hard that the pair became
entwined by a ribbon of sticky gum. From then on, she gargled.
***
"It's a little too sick, real
or feigned to do in front of your mother."
- Jennifer Jason Leigh stated about a sex scene in her 1996 movie,
"Georgia." Leigh asked her screenwriting mother, Barbara Turner, to
leave the set at the crucial moment.
***
"God I miss my husband."
- Patsy Kensit whispered to Mel Gibson during their naked romp in "Lethal
Weapon 2."
***
Talk About A Bad First Day On The
Job
LONG BEACH, Calif. - A babysitter on
her first day on the job sparked panic by taking home the wrong boy named Angel
from school.
The unidentified woman arrived at
Abraham Lincoln Elementary School Monday and called out the 5-year-old boy's
name, and one little boy smiled and came forward, KNTV-TV, San Jose (Calif.)
reported. She spent five hours minding the child, who said nothing about being
in the wrong house as his frantic parents and police canvassed the
neighborhood.
School officials meanwhile had
contacted an uncle of the stranded Angel to pick the child up. When his parents
arrived home, they told the babysitter she had the wrong child.
Police were notified of the mix-up
and the boys were reunited with their own parents, the television report said.
***
Conman Plays With Fire By
Impersonating Public Official
SYDNEY - An Australian conman had
everyone - including his own girlfriend - fooled into thinking that he was a
fireman.
Simon Francis Jobson wanted so badly
to be a fireman that he broke into Queensland fire stations to steal uniforms,
radios and safety equipment. He would then stop at traffic accidents to offer
his help. He even stole a fire truck from the Sunshine Coast fire station to
take his girlfriend for a joyride.
Jobson pleaded guilty in court to 30
charges that include fraud, theft, forgery, and impersonating a public
official. Jobson's lawyer Tony Entriken said his client wanted psychiatric
treatment because he had a "burning desire to over-come his disorder."
***
Who Needs A Transmission When You
Can Just Go In Reverse?
SYDNEY, Australia - A 22-year-old
man apparently didn't want to call a mechanic when his transmission failed
while he was on the road. Instead, he attempted to drive over 300 miles in
reverse down a highway at about 40 mph.
The unidentified man was stopped by
state police after his vehicle was spotted traveling backwards down the road.
Media reports revealed that he was en route to the state capital, Perth, when
his transmission went out, blocking his forward gears.
Police pulled the man over about 12
miles from where his backward journey began. They issued a breath test for
alcohol, which came back negative.
However, the man was charged with
reckless driving and other traffic offenses.
***
Farmer Rattled After Near-Death From
Snake Bite
ROCKVALE, Tenn. - A Tennessee farmer
recovering from a timber rattlesnake bite says a well-meaning passer-by nearly
killed him with a remedy seen in the movies.
Mike Edwards, 46, was working on his
farm Saturday when a very young rattler bit his index finger. Edwards was
driven to a site to wait for an ambulance, and while there, a well-meaning but
unknowledgeable woman applied a tourniquet to his arm, as seen in movies.
However, she did not follow through
with the Hollywood spin of cutting the wound and sucking the blood out.
Once at the hospital, Edwards could
barely see and his blood pressure was dangerously low. He spent three days in
the hospital, and doctors said he would have died if he had arrived 10 minutes
later.
The severity of his bite was the
fact the rattlesnake was a young one, and inexperienced in judging how much
venom to inject.
______________________________
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow
when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to
slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces
the silence, "Well, stop bloody clapping then!"
(I know, I know... an Urban Legend)
______________________________
DDL
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Stroking the thighs of his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For he knew that on earth
There were only two balls - and he had 'em.
______________________________
Why are women always upset with Men?
Men are one of the few things that
can gain 8 inches in 5 minutes and lose it all 3 minutes later.
***
Ok, it's official. I'm getting old.
The other day I was walking back to my car from the grocery store. Coming into
the store was this smoking hot 19, maybe 20 year old, blonde. I mean she was
hot.
My thought? "I wonder what her
mother looks like."
***
I tried exercise as a means of
burning fat, but it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it
smelled like bacon and made me hungry.
--Planojo
***
"I once had a large gay
following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
--Emo Philips
***
Rules are the means of a girl's
assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for.
***
"'I have done that,' says my
memory. 'I cannot have done that' - says my pride, and remains adamant. At last
- memory yields."
--Friedrich Nietzsche
______________________________
Tongue Tied.... (true)
October 05, 2006
And the gays went in two by two . . .
By Simon de Bruxelles
A councillor's joke about the sexual
leanings of Noah's beasts has caused a storm
IT WAS supposed to be a joke, but
colleagues in a politically correct town hall failed to see the funny side when
a Tory councillor suggested that nowadays Noah would have been unable to insist
on taking only animals of the opposite sex in his Ark.
David Clutterbuck, 72, is facing
calls to be sent on “compulsory equality training” after his quip was added to
a group e-mail about the bureaucratic obstacles Noah would have to overcome in
the modern world.
The message stated that before he
set sail Noah would have to obtain planning permission, abide by building
regulations, commission an environmental impact study, install a fire sprinkler
system and seek guidance from the RSPCA.
In reply to his Tory colleague, Anne
Filer, who sent the e-mail, Mr Clutterbuck joked: “I imagine now it would be
illegal to only have animals of the opposite sex!” And so it came to pass that
the e-mail, with Mr Clutterbuck’s message and other comments attached, went
back to all the members of Liberal Democrat-run Bournemouth Borough Council,
who had been included in the original message.
The outraged councillors demanded
that Mr Clutterbuck apologise and re-educate himself in equality. Mike Carlisle
said: “The comment even in fun is at best childish and at worst shows that
certain local Conservatives are locked into the distant past. I urge if we are
truly going to embrace diversity all members should have compulsory equality
training. I would urge those enlightened Conservative councillors, and I know
there are some, to challenge Councillor Clutterbuck on his attitudes to
minority communities.”
But Mr Clutterbuck, who has been a
councillor for 19 years, was unrepentant yesterday. He said that he had found
the original e-mail amusing and merely replied in a similar tone.
“I was merely stating that another
problem Noah would have come across today was having all animals of the same
sex. The animals went two by two for obvious reasons, but to appease the
equality people he would have had to have some gay animals on board. It wasn’t
aimed at homosexuals at all and it wasn’t meant to be offensive. It was done as
a joke and I haven’t done anything wrong. I am not going to apologise or go for
retraining, it is an absolute nonsense. This kind of political correctness is
crazy and is completely and utterly beyond me. I have got more experience in my
little finger than many of these people running our town hall. They are little
people who sit in a little conclave at the town hall and have no experience of
life, and they tell us what to do.”
Mr Clutterbuck insisted that he was
not homophobic and that he got on well with gay people, including town hall
colleagues.
He said: “I’m always pleasant to
them. They have as much right to be a councillor than anyone else. Just as long
as they don’t ask me to join in and it’s not compulsory.”
**********
17 September 2006
RACIST REV ROW
By Russell Findlay
A DRIVER spent two nights in jail
after being accused of "revving his car in a racist manner".
Mechanic Ronnie Hutton, 49,
yesterday described his court ordeal which finally ended when prosecutors
dropped the allegation of racism. But he was still convicted of a breach of the
peace for revving the engine of his £25,000 Lotus.
Witnesses claimed he had been trying
to intimidate a Libyan couple on the pavement. Ronnie, of Stirling, claims he
was only revving the powerful V8 engine to avoid another £15,000 repair bill.
But off-duty Chief Inspector Eoin
Jenkins thought he was targeting Muslim Isam Maigel and his wife Hana Saad.
And when Jenkins, now retired,
confronted Ronnie he was told to "f*** off".
On Thursday, at Stirling Sheriff
court, the Crown ditched the racist part of the charge but Sheriff Andrew Cubie
convicted Ronnie of breach of the peace and fined him £150.
Last night, he said: "To be
convicted for revving my car in a busy street is hard to take. Does this mean
anyone driving a noisy car in Scotland is now a criminal?"
In court, Mr Maigel, 28, then a
student at Stirling Uni, said: "The driver came alongside and was trying
to annoy us by revving his engine very, very loudly."
Using an interpreter, Hana Saad, 23,
said he had degraded them "maybe because we are Muslim".
Ronnie claims he was only trying to
prevent the repeat of a engine problem had had suffered earlier with the
Esprit.
He said: "I've had problems
with the Lotus since I bought it. I paid £15,000 for a new engine in 2003. As
soon as I started the car the oil pressure light wouldn't go out. I accept I
revved the engine - it's a V8 twin turbo and is noisy and frightening. I would
openly apologise to this couple. I am not a racist."
He is now considering an appeal
against his conviction - and also plans to sell the Lotus. He said: "It
has been nothing but trouble."
'He tried to annoy us by revving his
engine very loudly' Isam Maigel
**********
Scanned from our local Kuwait paper
Wednesday...
