Subject: Daily Dose - 070110 - George's Collection
Another collection from George...
***
Thought for the day
One day, while Lars, Ole, and Sven
were fishing under the I-94 bridge in West Central Wisconsin, Lars made a
confession.
"Ve all been friends for tirty
years and been tru a lot. I never told ya dis before cause I didn't vonna ruin
our friendship, but I'm gay."
Ole looked over at Sven and
said,"We kinda figured dat out a vhile back, but vasn't gonna say nutting
cause ve din't vanna embarrass you"
Lars thanked them for their
understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tellin' ya dis is cause I got
AIDS and I got only six munts ta liv. You are da only family I got and I vant
ya to promise me dat ya vont let dem barry me. I'm scared of dem caskets. I
vanna be cremated. Den, I vant ya to trow my ashes from dat bridge into dis
river vhere ve've spen' so much time together."
Ole and Sven wiped back a few tears,
then agreed to do what their friend asked.
By golly, six months later Lars up
and died. They were standin' on the bridge with the ashes and Ole was about to
throw them out when Sven stop him: "Vait, you gotta say sumting," he
says.
"I don't know vhat to say. I
never waz much bout goin' to church" Ole admitted. Sven, he scratch his
head, "Just say somting....anyting, Make it rhyme."
Ole, he thought about it a while and
started throwing the ashes out over the river and said;
"Ashes to ashes,
Dus to dus,
If you'd liked vomen,
You'd be here vit us."
______________________________
Four Cats!
An Accountant, a Chemist, an
Engineer, and a Government Employee were bragging about how smart their cats
were.
The Accountant said his cat could do
better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your
stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a
dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone
agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his cat could do even
better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce
glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop
into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
To show off, the Engineer said to
his cat,"T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the
desk, took out paper and pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a
triangle. Everyone agreed that was really smart.
Then the Accountant, Chemist, and
Engineer turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat
do?"
The Government Employee called his
cat and said, "Coffee Break do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped
to his feet and ate the cookies ......drank the milk ......and pooped on the
paper. Then he chased away the other three cats , claimed he injured his back
while doing so ................
Filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions ............... Put in for Workers Compensation
.......and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............
______________________________
What would you do?
A man came home from a business
trip, got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. On the
way to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected
his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For
$100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the
husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights,
yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked
man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it!
This man has been very generous! I
lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for
you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Dallas Cowboys
season Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues !"
Shaking his head from side-to-side
the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and
said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him
up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
______________________________
AINT LUV GRAND? (A Newfoundland Love
Poem)
(Who said Newfies aren't romantic?)
Of course I love's ya darlin'
Yur a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say's yur gorgeous
I mean's every single word
So ya bum is on da big side
(I don't mind a bit of flab)
It means dat when I'm ready
Dere's sometin' there ta grab
So yur belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round dere.
No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in ta gravity
But I know ya did da best.
So I'm tellin ya da trute,
(Ya know I never tells ya lies)
I think it's very sexy
Ya got dimples on yur thighs.
I swear on me grannies grave now
Da moment dat we met
I tot ya was as good a girl
as I was ever gonna get.
No matter wot ya look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while da hockey's on
And fetch anoder beer.
______________________________
This just in:
Apple Computer reported today
that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside
women's breasts.
This is considered to be a
major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring
at their breasts and not listening to them.
***
Wise beyond their years
A group of professional people posed
this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader
and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
---
"When my grandmother got
arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her
all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
---
"When someone loves you, the
way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in
their mouth."
Billy - age 4
---
"Love is when a girl puts on
perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each
other."
Karl - age 5
---
"Love is when you go out to eat
and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of
theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
---
"Love is what makes you smile
when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
---
"Love is when my mommy makes
coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure
the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
---
"Love is when you kiss all the
time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you
talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they
kiss"
Emily - age 8
---
"Love is what's in the room
with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
---
"If you want to learn to love
better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
---
"Love is when you tell a guy
you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
---
"Love is like a little old
woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each
other so well."
Tommy - age 6
---
"During my piano recital, I was
on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my
daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared
anymore."
Cindy - age 8
---
"My mommy loves me more than
anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
---
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy
the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
---
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy
smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
---
"Love is when your puppy licks
your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
---
"I know my older sister loves
me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new
ones."
Lauren - age 4
---
"When you love somebody, your
eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an
image)
Karen - age 7
---
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy
on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
---
"You really shouldn't say 'I
love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.
People forget."
Jessica - age 8
---
And the final one -- Author and
lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to
find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child
whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his
wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little
boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat
there.
When his Mother asked what he had
said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him
cry"
______________________________
ONIONS & CHRISTMAST TREES
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobies are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In
her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they
make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through
three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After
his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and
the balls are for decoration only."
