Daily Dose - 070108 - Whole Bed, BIZARRE NEWS, Bad/Good News, DDL,
Tongue Tied
Whole Bed
A man has never had sex, and he gets
into bed with his wife on his wedding night.
His wife gets naked, sits on the
bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"
He says, "No."
She gets in bed, spreads her legs
wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"
He says, "Yeah... you want the
whole bed to yourself.
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Board Game Facts
The Egyptian game of Senet was a
best-seller some 4,000 years ago. Even King Tut had one. He liked it so mcuh he
was buried with it.
The first American board game,
"The Mansion of Happiness," was produced in 1843. Its theme was
Victorian: players tried to avoid Passion, Idleness, Cruelty, Immodesty, and
Ingratitude. Drunkenness was punished by a trip to the stocks.
In 1860, Milton Bradley bought a
lithographic press and began printing board games. His first game was called
"The Checkered Game of Life." Object: Get to "happy old
age" while avoiding "disgrace" and "ruin."
Mark Twain invented a game he called
"Mark Twain's Memory Builder: A Game for Acquiring and Retaining All Sorts
of Facts and Dates." In the introduction to the rules he wrote: "Many
public school children seem to know only two dates - 1492 and 4th of July; but
as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion. It is because they
have not had a chance to play this game.
The earliest board game on record is
the royal game of Ur, which was invented more than 4,000 years ago in
Mesopotamia, the site of present-day Iraq. It was a "race" game; the
first player to complete the course was the winner. Moves were governed by
throwing dice-like objects. Archaeologists believe it is the forerunner of
backgammon.
Parcheesi, the original male
chauvinist game, was created in the 1500s in India by Akbar the Great. It was
played in the palace courtyard with young women as game pawns. "Home"
was originally the emperor's throne.
In 1988, the 23rd foreign language
version of Monopoly was manufactured - in the USSR. Among the changes: a
Russian bear token, real estate names corresponding to Moscow locations
(Broadway became the Arbat Mall) and rubles instead of dollars.
***
Tastes Like Chicken?
BRISBANE, Australia - Here's a man
who is taking his admiration for the Crocodile Hunter to the extreme.
New father Wil Kemp says that Steve
Irwin inspired his love for reptiles so much that he plans to feed the placenta
from his newborn son to his pet goannas to "bring the family closer to
lizards."
Kemp's second son was born on
September 5, the day after Irwin was killed by a stingray. Kemp and his fiance
Kahila Pepper named the baby Tai Irwin - the first after the taipan snake and
the second after the crocodile hunter.
The couple decided to feed the
placenta to their three pet goannas after a nurse told them they could take it
home.
"I think we'll just break some
beers, chuck it in and do it," said Kemp.
***
Donkey Penis Samples May Be Hard to
Swallow
BEIJING - When sampling donkey penis
at a Beijing restaurant, it may help not to think about what is being eaten and
just focus on its benefits. It's good for the skin, in case you're wondering.
The Guolizhuang restaurant claims to
be China's only restaurant specializing in penises, the BBC said Sunday. That's
right, penises. Dog, reindeer (a delicacy), snake (they have two) and ox. It
serves its unusual bill of fare in a variety of ways, from chilled to fried.
The restaurant's owner came up with
the menu after he began looking into traditional Chinese medicine, the BBC
said.
Apparently appendages such as these
are low in cholesterol and can be used to treat a variety of conditions, such
as sexual dysfunction, the BBC said.
***
Congratulations! Your 3-Year-Old
Just Bought A Car!
SLEAFORD, England - A 3-year-old
British boy showed just what a wiz he is at bidding on the Internet, buying a
car off eBay.
Rachel and Jack Neal of Sleaford say
their young son, Jack, recently spent $17,106.00 for a Barbie pink Nissan
Figaro off the auction site, the Sun reports.
The Neals found out about Jack's
endeavor when they received a congratulatory message. Since Jack was sleeping
at the time, the Neals had to wait until the next morning to ask him what he
did. "I've bought a car," he happily told his parents.
The Neals say Jack has been using
the Internet since he was 2 and apparently got hold of his mother's eBay
password. After the Neals explained the situation, the seller has agreed to
re-advertise the car.
***
Bet She Cleaned Out That Mug Like A
Bat Out of Hell
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa - Imagine
drinking out of your cup all day only to discover a drowned bat in the bottom
of the glass at the end of the day.
That's what happened to a
60-year-old Woodbury County woman, who found the bat while cleaning out her tea
mug one night.
She put the bat, which was about the
size of two tea bags, in a plastic bag before calling the Siouxland health
office the next morning. Chuck Cipperley, an environmental director for the
Siouxland health office in Sioux City, said that the bat was sent to the
University Hygienic Laboratory in Coralville to be tested for rabies.
The results came back negative. Mike
Pentella, program manager the lab, said the bat was a first for the lab.
______________________________
Bad/Good News
The drill sergeant making his
morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:
"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
First, the good. Private Brabant
will be setting the pace on our morning run.'
With this the platoon was overjoyed,
as Private Brabant was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill
sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Brabant
will be driving a truck."
______________________________
DDL
There was a young man from El Paso
Whose penis was shaped like a lasso.
He presented this phallus
To a lady from Dallas,
And roped a turd out of her asshole.
______________________________
"I've been talking about this
all week. Some kids working at a Burger King in New Mexico were arrested when
cops discovered they had placed marijuana on their burgers. This marks the
first time in history that anything organic has ever been served at Burger
King."
--Jay Leno
***
"I'd like to apologize for last
night's show. It was the stupid ramblings of a drunkard."
--Dave Letterman
***
"John Kerry says he is serious
about running again in 2008. He's already practicing his concession
speech."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Paris Hilton and Nicole
Ritchie have settled their dispute. They say that their two hearts combined
make one. Their two brains also combined to make one."
--Jay Leno
***
"Former President Bill Clinton
has now struck a deal with several major food companies to supply schools with
snacks that have less fat, less sugar and less salt. This is all part of
Clinton's new program, 'No Child Left With A Big Behind.'"
--Jay Leno
***
"President Bush helped dedicate
an aircraft carrier named after his father. Isn't that nice? He christened the
ship by saying, 'It's great to be here on the USS Dad.'"
--Conan O'Brien
______________________________
Tongue Tied.... (true)
Tried for linking headscarf to sex
October 20, 2006
ISTANBUL: An eminent 92-year-old
Turkish archeologist is to go on trial for inciting religious hatred because
she angered Islamist circles with a scientific paper saying the use of
headscarves by women dated back to pre-Islamic sexual rites.
Muazzez Ilmiye Cig, who devoted her
career to studying the Sumerians, the first known urban civilisation (dating
from the 4th millennium BC), was to appear in court on November 1 in Istanbul,
her editor, Ismet Ogutucu, said.
In a book published last year, Cig
says the headscarf - a controversial issue in Turkey - was first worn by
Sumerian priestesses initiating young people into sex, but without prostituting
themselves.
A lawyer from the western city of
Izmir took offence and filed a complaint against Cig, resulting in a prosecutor
charging both her and her publisher with "inciting hatred based on
religious differences". If convicted, the two face up to three years in
jail.
Cig, a staunch defender of mainly
Muslim Turkey's strictly secular political system, recently wrote to Turkish
Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan's wife, Emine, calling on her to discard
her Islamic headscarf and set an example to young people.
"She can wear whatever she
likes at home, but as the wife of the Prime Minister, she cannot wear a cross
or the headscarf," Cig said in an interview this week in the popular daily
Vatan.
The Islamic-style headscarf is
viewed by secular Turks as a symbol of political Islam and is banned by law in
public offices and universities. The issue has polarised Turkish society,
particularly since Mr Erdogan's Islamist-rooted Justice and Development Party
swept to power in 2002 with an end to the headscarf ban high on its list of
electoral promises - one it has so far been unable to keep.
AFP
**********
Gingerbread man gets the chop from
the PC brigade
Last updated at 10:27am on 17th
October 2006
The culture of banning in the name
of political correctness has affected most institutions - and now it appears
the bakery trade has fallen foul of the killjoys.
The gingerbread man biscuit has been
stripped of his sexuality in the West Midlands and must instead be called a
gingerbread person.
Parents and children who asked for
the sweet treat were outraged to be told at branches of the Bakers Oven that
the gingerbread man no longer existed. Instead they could only buy a gingerbread
person.
The decision, which most see as
political correctness gone mad, was made by a regional area manager.
The Bakers Oven chain says the
change was made by a former regional manager, without the approval of head
office.
Spokes'person' (not man) Peter
Woodall said: "We've only just become aware of this problem and we're
changing the name back as soon as possible."
He added: "The gingerbread man
has been around for 200 years and of course children should continue to ask for
gingerbread man in our shops."
**********
Australia doesn't fancy a Shag
Australia wants to ban a British
entrepreneur from naming a beer Shag.
Brewed in Holland as Alpha beer,
it's sold internationally by Terry Ball's Rebell Holdings company as Shag.
Advertisements feature a bottle of
the beer on the backseat of a car and the catchphrase: "Fancy a
Shag?"
Mr Ball insists the beer is named
after the bird of the same name but New South Wales government minister Grant
McBride is not convinced.
He said: "To name the product
Shag links it directly with sexual intercourse - and that's not on.
"It is irresponsible to link
alcohol and sex so blatantly. I'm outraged by this product."
Mr McBride, an avowed teetotaller
and father-of-eight, has banned three other alcoholic drinks since becoming the
Gaming and Racing Minister in 2003, including Moo Joose, a chocolate milkshake
with vodka.
He said: "We don't want to stop
people having a good time, but this product seeks to maximise risk-taking
behaviour through a series of tacky, sex-themed ads."
A spokesperson from the Australian
distributor for Dutch brewery, Alpha, was surprised to learn the beer's name
had caused a stir.
"It's named after a shag, the
bird, which features on the label," she said downplaying the controversy
as nothing more than "a storm in a glass of beer".