Daily Dose - 070106 - Truths, BIZARRE NEWS, Psychic Hotline, DDL, Rotten News

Truths

The Three Religious Truths of Life:

1.  The Jews don't recognize the Messiah.

2.  Protestants don't recognize the Pope.

3.  Two Muslims in a liquor store don't recognize each other.

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Words of Criminals At Execution

Well, the Lord is going to get another one.
Executed in electric chair, Georgia.
- John Eldon Smith, d. December 15, 1983

Hurry it up you Hoosier bastard! I could hang a dozen men while you're screwing around.
Executed by hanging Leavenworth, Kansas.
- Carl Panzram, d. September 5, 1930

Shoot straight you bastards and don't make a mess of it!
Executed by firing squad.
- Harry Harbord "Breaker" Morant, Australian poet & national hero, d. 1902

I don't hold any grudges. This is my doing. Sorry it happened.
Executed in electric chair, Indiana.
- Steven Judy, d. March 9, 1981

Lock and load. Let's do it.
Executed by injection, Texas.
- G. W. Green, d. November 12, 1991

I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass.
Executed by injection, Texas.
- Johnny Frank Garrett, Sr., d. February 11, 1992

How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? French fries.
Executed in electric chair in Oklahoma.
- James French, d. 1966

I love you.
Spoken to the executioner.
Executed by injection, New York.
- Sean Flannagan, d. June 23, 1989

You are going to hurt me, please don't hurt me, just one more moment, I beg you!
Guillotined.
- Madame du Barry, mistress of Louis XV, d. 1793

Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel.
Executed in electric chair in New York.
- George Appel, d. 1928

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Man In Panda Enclosure Bites Off More Than He Can Chew

BEIJING - A panda bear was only trying to defend himself when he bit a drunken migrant worker who landed in his enclosure. However, this made Zhang Xinyan quite mad, so he bit the panda back.

Zhang had consumed four jugs of beer at a restaurant before making his way to the zoo to visit Gu Gu the panda. "He felt a sudden urge to touch the panda with his hand," and jumped into the enclosure, the Beijing Morning Post said.

This woke up the sleeping panda, who was startled and chomped down on Zhang's right leg.

Zhang got upset and kicked the panda, who then bit his other leg, causing a fight.

"I bit the fellow in the back," Zhang was quoted as saying in the newspaper.

Zookeepers were able to get the panda under control, and Zhang was hospitalized for his injuries.

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Six Flags Gives Customers Something To Chew On

GURNIE, Ill. - Don't be alarmed if you find cockroaches on the table at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Ill., because they're the entree for entry into the theme park.

The park hopes to tempt those with discriminating palates to eat a live Madagascar hissing cockroach Oct. 7 as part of a promotion for the park's annual FrightFest, the Arlington Heights (Ill.) Daily Herald said Wednesday.

The winning diner receives a T-shirt and a pass to take three friends to the front of any ride line during FrightFest. The park also will have an eating contest featuring cooked Madagascar hissing cockroaches to see whether anyone can break the Guinness Book of World Records entry of 36 downed in 1 minute, the newspaper said.

And for the weight-conscious, cockroaches are extremely low in fat and high in protein, a Six Flags spokesman said.

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Boy Takes Naive Helpers For a Ride

MESA, Ariz. - A group of would-be good Samaritans were obviously quite naive when they helped a 14-year-old boy push a car - without realizing the kid was trying to steal the car.

The boy stopped during his getaway to ask for help, and at least 15 people came to his aid, getting behind the car and pushing. One woman even offered to give him an impromptu driving lesson when he couldn't figure out how to use the manual transmission.

Police said it didn't occur to any of the helpers that the vehicle was stolen and that the driver was underage.

"It is incredible that an entire neighborhood would participate in this comedy of errors," said Sgt. Dave Norton. "Nobody asked why a 14-year-old is out with a vehicle and doesn't know how to drive it," he added.

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Man Takes The Plunge for $20

PALMETTO, Fla. - Twenty dollars was important enough to Mark Giorgio that he jumped off a 50-foot bridge to retrieve his bill.

He had been walking across the U.S. 41 bridge and counting his money when a $20 bill blew out of his hand and flew over the rail into the Manatee River. Giorgio followed his money, plummeting 50 feet to the water. Then he swam about 100 yards to fish the bill from the river.

"I got my money back, hell yeah," Giorgio told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune. "Twenty bucks is a lot of money when you're broke."

A Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer who saw Giorgio helped get him out of the water. Giorgio refused treatment for his cuts and scrapes.

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The company my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number.

It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number."

The caller would often reply with something like, "But I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong.... Oh!" (Click.)

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DDL

Enduring a rectal exam,
Colonscope so cold I scream "Damn!"
He'll push and he'll pull it,
I'll just bite the bullet,
And be greatful I don't have to cram.

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"I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, 'We're going to be taking off in a few... Whoa, here we go!'"
--Unknown

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"You know how it is with cops. I'll get shot three days before retirement. In the business, we call it retirony."
--Chief Wiggum on "The Simpsons"

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A doctor said to his patient: "You have a slight heart condition, but I wouldn't worry about it."

"Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a slight heart condition I wouldn't worry about it either."

***

"Halloween is coming up. Last year I ran out of candy by seven. I had to pass out old Sucrets I found in the bathroom. After that I gave out Lipiotor." --Dave Letterman

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"Senator John McCain is denying rumors flying around Washington that he recently went out drinking with Hillary Clinton. McCain's exact quote was, 'Five years with the Vietcong was enough'."
--Conan O'Brien

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"According to a report by the World Energy Experts, North Korea is so short of electricity that the whole country switches off at 9 o'clock. The electricity is shut off at 9. So it's a country where few people speak English, they have power outages all the time, they're ruled by a funny looking guy with a strange accent. It's like California without the traffic."
--Jay Leno

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Rotten News....  (true)

Iraqi Athletes Killed for Wearing Shorts

By KIM GAMEL

BAGHDAD, Iraq May 27, 2006 (AP)— An Iraqi tennis coach and two of his players were shot to death this week in Baghdad because they were wearing shorts, authorities said Saturday, reporting the latest in a series of recent attacks attributed to Islamic extremists.

In the Baghdad incident, gunmen stopped a car carrying the Sunni Arab coach and two Shiite players, asked them to step out and then shot them, said Manham Kubba secretary-general of the Iraqi Tennis Union.

Extremists had distributed leaflets warning people in the mostly Sunni neighborhoods of Saidiyah and Ghazaliyah warning people not to wear shorts, police said.

"Wearing shorts by youth are prohibited because it violates the principals of Islamic religion when showing forbidden parts of the body. Also women should wear the veil," the leaflets said.

No one claimed responsibility for the slayings, which come amid worries that Islamic extremism is spreading in the war-torn country.

Sunni cleric Eid al-Zoubayi denounced the attack.

"Islamic religion is an easy religion and it allows wearing sport shorts as long as they don't show the forbidden parts of the body, so the acts that are targeting the sport are criminal," he said.

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"Vampire" To Protest White Castle's Garlic Sandwich

by: Mark Sickmiller

First posted: 5/26/2006 12:43:10 PM

A Cincinnati man who claims he's a vampire is planning to protest a new fast food sandwich made with garlic.

The man says White Castle has "angered the undead" with its new garlic cheese sandwich. He plans to picket the Queensgate White Castle location on Sunday.

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Making Diaper Bags more Macho....  for men

NEW YORK (Reuters Life!) - A U.S. handbag manufacturer is trying to make changing diapers a bit more macho -- with a baby bag made from lorry and tractor tyre inner tubes.

Richmond, Virginia based Passchal has designed a "Dad's baby bag" made from recycled inner tubes, trimmed with hemp, and fitted with a battery operated light to help locate that soother somewhere at the bottom of the bag.

Designer Angela Greene said the inspiration for the bag came after a female client asked if she could make a baby bag for her husband to use.

"As I was designing it, I thought that the buckles, grommets, rivets gave it a Harley look," she told Reuters.

Ken Kobrick, owner of Passchal, said the "Dad's baby bag," priced at about $175, was the latest in a line of bags that his company made from used lorry and tractor tyre inner tubes.

The company gets old inner tubes from tyre centres in Virginia and nearby states which are then put through a cleaning process that can take up to three days of soaking in an cleaning solution before being made into a bag.