Subject: Daily Dose - 060606 - Like a Baby, BIZARRE NEWS, Things to
Remember when Camping, DDL, Rotten News
Like a Baby
Man and a woman had been dating for
about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious.
Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know
that her chest was just like a baby. He said that he loved her and that her
measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also
like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter.
Come the day of the wedding and all
went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the
resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie.
Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded
him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.
"Don't worry honey" he
said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever
seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his
confession about his penis being like a baby.
As he took his pants off the new
bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a
baby"
"It is," he said, "9
pounds and 21 inches long!"
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Lawsuits
A phone-sex operator in Florida won
a settlement after she filed for worker's compensation, saying she had suffered
repetitive-motion injuries in both hands. The repetitive motion was the result
of using her hands to give herself as many as seven orgasms a day while talking
to clients.
A Canadian man is suing a New York
coffee shop after suffering what he calls damage to his manhood. His penis was
pinched between the toilet seat and bowl when he reached forward for toilet
paper. He is asking for $1 million to compensate for his "dire and
permanent injuries."
A California grandmother is suing
Disneyland after she and her grandchildren witnessed Mickey Mouse taking off
his costume backstage. The suit is due to her grandchildren's traumatic
experience.
Two surfers went to court after one
allegedly stole the other's wave. The case was dismissed after court officials
found it impossible to put a monetary value on the wave.
Lee Williams is suing a tattoo shop
for spelling the word "villain" wrong in his tattoo. Neither Williams
nor the tattoo artist knew how to spell the word. The tattoo ended up reading
"villian."
A New York prison inmate is filing a
suit for $8 million against the state after he accidentally shot himself with a
gun he illegally smuggled into the jail. The inmate says that better security
would have prevented him from getting the weapon inside.
***
Pizza Joint Goes The Distance For
Customers
NOME, Alaska - Distance is not an
issue for Airport Pizza in Nome, Alaska. The pizza joint, the only delivery
service in Nome, has been known to make deliveries to remote Eskimo villages
100 miles away.
The villagers view pizza as a
welcome break from their typical cuisine of whale, walrus, and reindeer.
Airport Pizza has even delivered 500
miles away to the Arctic Ocean town of Barrow, the northernmost community in
the U.S. Customers don't even have to pay extra for air delivery.
Frontier Flying Service transports
the pizzas for free to villages on its regular routes.
***
This Couple Was Dying To Get Out Of
Work
WATERLOO, Iowa - Some people will do
anything to get out of work. James Ralph Snyder and Mary Jo Elizabeth Jensen
tried to justify days of missed work by making up a fake obituary for Jensen's
17-year-old son and submitting it to a newspaper.
Snyder, Jensen's boyfriend, claimed
to be the boy's father and sent the obituary to the Waterloo-Cedar Falls
Courier in December. Later that week, folks who know the family saw the
teenager at a restaurant and notified authorities.
Snyder and Jensen, employees at
Tyson Foods in Waterloo, had been taking time off work saying her son was sick
in the hospital. Tyson officials were later told the teen was on life support
and eventually died.
Snyder was charged with tampering
with records, and Jensen was charged with being an accessory after the fact.
***
Why Did The Old Lady Get A Ticket
For Crossing the Road?
LOS ANGELES - An old lady who was
trying to cross a street in the San Fernando Valley received a $114 traffic
ticket for taking too long to get across.
Mayvis Coyle, 82, was walking with
her cane across Foothill Boulevard when the light was green, but wasn't fast
enough to make it to the other side before it turned red. A motorcycle officer
stopped to ticket her, saying she was obstructing traffic.
"I think it's completely
outrageous," said Coyle. "He treated me like a 6-year-old, like I
don't know what I'm doing."
According to Los Angeles police Sgt.
Mike Zaboski of the Valley Traffic Division, officers are being tough on people
who improperly cross streets because of a high number of accidents involving
pedestrians.
"I'd rather not have angry
pedestrians," Zaboski said. "But I'd rather have them be alive."
***
High Phone Bill Is Un'call'ed For
KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - Malaysian
resident Yahaya Wahab is used to receiving bills in the mail, but he wasn't
accustomed to the $218 trillion phone bill that popped up in his mailbox.
Wahab said he almost fainted when he
saw the bill that ordered him to pay within 10 days or face prosecution.
His father died in January and Wahab
said he had the line disconnected and took care of the $23 bill. But Telekom
Malaysia later sent him a $218 trillion bill for recent telephone calls along
with orders to settle within 10 days or face legal proceedings, a newspaper
reported.
It's still unclear if the bill was a
mistake or if his father's phone line was used illegally after his death.
______________________________
Things to Remember when Camping
A potato baked in the coals for one
hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for
three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
You can start a fire without matches
by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at
the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
A large carp can be used for a
pillow.
Check the washing instructions
before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read
"Beat on a rock in stream."
The sight of a bald eagle has
thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does
absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It's entirely possible to spend your
whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Effective January 1, 2000, you will
actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a
parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
Setting a Tuba on the picnic table
at your campsite does an excellent job of keeping the sites around you empty.
______________________________
DDL
There was an old spinster named
Harriet
Who could rope anything with her lariat.
She had one final thought ....
As she tossed out the knot ......
Whatever she caught...she would marry it !
______________________________
Q. What's the difference
between a King's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an orphan?
A. One's an heir apparent, the
next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a
parent.
***
"What really concerns me about
these new "smart" appliances is that even if we like the features, we
won't be able to use them. I don't know how to operate my TV, which requires
THREE remote controls. One control (44 buttons) came with the TV; a second (39
buttons) came with the VCR; the third (37 buttons) was brought here by the
cable-TV man, who apparently felt that I did not have enough buttons. So when I
want to watch TV, I'm confronted with a total of 120 buttons, identified by
such helpful labels as PIP, MTS, DBS, F2, JUMP and BLANK."
--Dave Barry
***
"President Bush called the
rebuilding of New Orleans "one of the largest reconstruction efforts the
world has ever seen." If you don't count Cher."
--Jay Leno
***
"The traffic here in New York
City is terrible right now. There's a big summit coming up. In fact the current
President of Afghanistan is in town, and his cab driver today was the former
President of Afghanistan."
--Dave Letterman
***
"I saw Spiderman last night,
awesome movie. But I kept thinking how lucky Peter Parker was to have those web
shooters form in his forearm instead of his ass like every other spider on the
planet."
***
Have you heard about the new Jewish
game show?
It's called 'The Price Is Too Much'
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Police: Man Posed As Doctor, Gave
Breast Exams
POSTED: 7:40 am EDT April 20, 2006
LAUDERDALE LAKES, Fla. -- A Coconut
Creek man is accused of pretending he was a doctor and performing free in-home
breast exams.
A spokesman for the Broward
Sheriff's Office says one of Winikoff's alleged victims realized he wasn't a
doctor when he didn't use gloves to examine her. The woman's boyfriend called
authorities.
Winikoff was arrested Wednesday and
charged with sexual battery and simple assault.
Authorities believe he targeted
women who don't speak English well and women who don't have health insurance.
**********
Retiree flushes fortune down the
toilet
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German
pensioner flushed bundles of old banknotes worth a small fortune down the
toilet because he thought they were now worthless, police in the northern city
of Kiel said Thursday.
"He flushed the cash down the
loo because he didn't think it was worth anything," said police spokesman
Uwe Voigt.
Police said he dumped some 60,000
deutschemarks -- which the euro replaced in 2002 -- into the bowl, unaware they
could still be exchanged for about 30,000 euros ($37,000).
Sewage workers recovered about half
the sodden currency from the 64-year-old's plumbing. The remaining notes
created a bottleneck in local sewers, where most were fished out.
Police said the man lived in
"spartan" circumstances and had dried out the notes and taken them to
a bank. It was unclear if he had laundered the money first.
**********
Envoy recalled but refuses to go
home
WELLINGTON (Reuters) - India has
recalled its top envoy in New Zealand, officials from the two countries said on
Thursday, but the diplomat is apparently refusing to return home.
Indian High Commissioner to New
Zealand Harish Dogra was ordered to return to India in March but The Dominion
Post newspaper reported that he and his wife did not want to go back because
they feared they would be in danger.
Local media in the two countries
have reported that Dogra had clashed with members of New Zealand's Indian
community over the issuing of visas and relations with the community. There are
more than 60,000 Indians or people of Indian descent in New Zealand.
An Indian Foreign Ministry spokesman
would not give details about why Dogra was recalled.
The Dominion Post quoted Dogra's
wife as saying they had no plans to leave soon.
"We love New Zealand," she
said.
*********
