Subject: Daily Dose - 060603 - honeymoon, THIS is TRUE, 1962 Maserati, DDL, Rotten News

A 75 year old tycoon and his 22 year old blonde bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack. The paramedics were called to the scene and worked to stabilize the old man.

The paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town. The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, so, one of the medics turned to the blonde bride and said, "How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them."

"Okay," she agreed with a shrug. She leaned toward the stretcher and whispered, "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so horny I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."

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THIS is TRUE...

MORON OF THE WEEK #615: A bank robber in Santa Barbara, Calif., escaped with $3,000 in cash, but the teller dropped in an exploding dye pack, too. He was last seen running across the parking lot with "a whisper of red smoke trailing in his wake," a police spokesman said. The robber went straight to a coin-op laundry and tried to wash the dye off, but it was permanent. He then tried adding green food coloring to the bills, but the result was so bad that he threw the money in the trash. Very soon afterward, police stopped at his home. Fred Bendtzen, 48, was arrested and charged with bank robbery. How did the police identify him so fast? His demand note, which he left behind at the bank, was written on the back of a pay stub bearing his name and address. (Santa Barbara News-Press)
...At least he learned the lesson that money that's earned is cleaner than money that's stolen.

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KILLER PUBLICITY: The Swan, a pub in Ipswich, Suffolk, England, has to pay a fine as punishment for a murder that took place on the premises -- in 1664. The 40-shilling fine (2 pounds, or about US$3.50), was discovered on the books for the St. Mary Le Tower Church Charities by auditors. The money is supposed to go to the charity every year in perpetuity. In 1664, the payment was stiff: about what a laborer would earn in six months. The current owners of the pub are not contesting the fine, including several years of back payments. "We like being part of history," a spokeswoman said. (London Times)
...Sure: the t-shirt sales alone will be worth thousands.

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A BUNCH OF FIVES BETWEEN THE EYES: The new ad campaign by Tourism Australia featuring the tagline "So where the bloody hell are you?" isn't playing well in some places (This is True, 12 March 2006). Minister for Tourism Fran Bailey, who called the slogan "plain speaking and friendly," says the ad was briefly banned in the U.K. because of the word "bloody". Now, it's banned in Canada for an entirely different reason: the line "I've bought you a beer." Bailey says the "Canadian regulator says that this implies consumption of unbranded alcohol," which is "some sort of quirky Canadian regulation." She says the line will be changed for Canuck audiences, and she'll invite the Canadian regulator to "come out here and I'll buy him a beer." (Australian AP
...As long as it's a Cooper's and not a Foster's, deal.

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A BANG-UP JOB: Police in Victorville, Calif., are looking for an unsuccessful burglar. Tapes from a security camera at a cell phone store show the burglar tried to enter the store by shooting the lock while an accomplice watched. "It's actually pretty funny," said the store's co-owner, Cary Walker: the tape shows the bullet bounced back and hit the gunman in the chest. "It hit him so hard it knocked the air out of him and he threw up on the spot." Police found the bullet at the scene, and put out an alert to local hospitals. "I guess they've been watching too much television," Walker said, "because it just doesn't work like that." (Victorville Daily Press)
...Right: on TV they use blanks.

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MAY NOT PASS GO, COLLECT $200: "Goto to Go to Prison for 25 to 75 Years"
-- Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader headlin

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I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."

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DDL

Sighed a newlywed damsel of Wheeling,
"A honeymoon seemed so appealing.
But for nearly two weeks
I've heard only bed squeaks,
And seen [nothing but | all the] cracks in the ceiling!"

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"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's flat."
--Buzz Nutley

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"You know, I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
--Ellen DeGeneres

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"My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a mathematician, my brother is a chemical engineer--and I like to color."
--Shashi Bhatia

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Here's how to solve the problem of too many visiting relatives.

Borrow money from the rich ones and loan it to the poor ones.

Now none of them will come back.

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Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't."
-Richard Bach

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Rotten News....  (true)

Family Members Pay Off 170-Year-Old Debt

Descendants Pay Great-Great-Great Uncle's Debt

POSTED: 12:52 pm EDT April 21, 2006

YELLVILLE, Ark. -- It took them nearly 170 years, but two men have paid off their great-great-great uncle's debt.

Their ancestor, Archibald Yell, told leaders of Shawneetown, Ark., that he would give them $50 if they named the town after them.

They did, and Shawneetown became Yellville.

But Yell never paid.

Descendants David Yell of Lapeer, Mich., and William Yell of Monticello, Ga., were researching their family history when they found out.

So the Yell cousins traveled to Yellville on Thursday to settle the debt.

The mayor of Yellville was kind enough to waive interest on the debt or the Yells would have owed $803,000.

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March 07, 2006

Why black sheep are barred and Humpty can't be cracked

By Alexandra Blair, Education Correspondent

TRADITIONAL nursery rhymes are being rewritten at nursery schools to avoid causing offence to children.

Instead of singing “Baa baa, black sheep” as generations of children have learnt to do, toddlers in Oxfordshire are being taught to sing “Baa baa, rainbow sheep”.

The move, which critics will seize on as an example of political correctness, was made after the nurseries decided to re-evaluate their approach to equal opportunities.

In keeping with the new approach, teachers at the nurseries have reportedly also changed the ending of Humpty Dumpty so as not to upset the children and dropped the seven dwarfs from the title of Snow White.

A mother whose daughter attends the Sure Start nursery at the Family Centre in Abingdon, who did not want to be named, said parents had been astonished by the change.

“Baa Baa, Black Sheep has been one of the most well-known nursery rhymes for generations. For people to come along and fiddle with it is ridiculous. What on earth is a rainbow sheep anyway?

“I’ve spoken to other parents about it and none of us has ever heard of anyone getting offended by the words ‘black sheep’.”

Last year, a nursery school in Aberdeen caused uproar, when teachers changed the lyrics to “Baa baa, happy sheep”.

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Mar 6, 2006 7:12 pm US/Eastern

New Theory On Loch Ness Monster

(CBS) LONDON Proving or disproving the existence of the "Loch Ness monster" has been one of Britain's more popular undertakings for decades. Tales of the "monster" have drawn believers and skeptics alike to the shores of a Scottish lake, all looking for definitive word, one way or another, to explain the mysterious monster sightings.

The latest theory has it that Nessie was or is really — Jumbo.

"The reason why we see elephants in Loch Ness," asserts Dr. Neil Clark, a paleontologist, "is that circuses used to go along the road to Inverness and have a little rest at the side of the loch, and allow the animals to go and have a little swim around."

The above-water parts of a swimming elephant, Palmer says, might look from a distance like Nessie's most famous profile.

But it wouldn't explain some other things, such as a 1960s film of an unidentified speeding object. And it wouldn't convince the hundreds of people who believe they have seen a sea monster far out in the Loch.

On the other hand, it could give rise to a whole new line in souvenirs.

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At first glance....