Subject: Daily Dose - 060531 - Another collection of Groaners

Another collection of stinky groaners....

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After many years of faithful duty with the US Forest Service, their beloved fire prevention mascot was unceremoniously "retired." Still in the prime of his life and bearing one of the world's most recognizable faces, he quickly found work as a spokesman for the world's leading exporter of diamonds.

He's now working as "Smokey DeBeers."

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When I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying higher, faster, farther. Risking my life for the science of aviation.

But when I grew up I found out I wasn't qualified because of my poor eyesight. Now I work in a post office which gives me many of the same thrills.

I'm always pushing the envelope!

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Artifacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.

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Two young women went into a furniture store and asked to be directed to the sofa department. The salesman who greeted them was a chauvinistic good ol' boy who knew that his chances of making a sale were always much better when dealing with a married couple. Still, he reluctantly began showing them the sofas, settees and love seats.

"What we're really looking for is an upholstered footstool that's long and wide," one woman admitted.

"Oh, I might have known," responded the salesman, "but I don't think either of you are going to be able to find anything like that. I've always felt a woman can't get a long width ottoman."

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A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, "Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?"

"Why do you ask?" the man replied.

The tourist shrugged. "Just idol curiosity, I guess."

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I work in an office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently, one of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined!" so I called out with horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

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Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".

(Oh God, I'm already beginning to groan).

The other man argued adamantly.  "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts...it's how you ply the gum!

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A friend always seemed to lean slightly to the left.  It bothered me, so I suggested that he see a doctor and have his legs checked out.  For years, he refused, telling me I was crazy, but last week, he finally went.

Sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was a half-inch shorter than his right.  A bit of orthopedic surgery later, both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

"So," I said, "you didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

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Q: What do rural Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono?

A: Both live off dead beetles.

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Q: What has three legs and lives on a farm?

A: Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.

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Q: Where does dragon milk comes from?

A: Short legged cows.

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Q: What do you call it when a bomb goes off in your kitchen?

A: Linoleum blown-apart.

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Q: What would you name a dog with no legs?

A: Marlboro since, every nigte, you have to take him out for a drag.

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Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?

A: Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back.

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Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles?

A: Sparky

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I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread.  Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

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Cashier Laura Hosbach, 19, prepares an order for a customer at The Milford Baking Co., Wednesday, May 24, 2006, in Milford, Mich.

The store is selling cupcakes featuring plastic hands posed in a rising-from-the-grave manner as a macabre reflection of the ongoing local investigation seeking the remains of Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa. (AP Photo/Gary Malerba)