Subject: Daily Dose - 060530 - Lord Nelson, BIZARRE NEWS, Cinderella, RIGHT
and WRONG things to say, DDL, Rotten News
The new inmate at the mental
hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero,
Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already
had a 'Lord Nelson.'
The head psychiatrist, after due
consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the
similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would
help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might
react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone
and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.
The next morning, the doctor had a
talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was
told: "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am
not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said
the doctor.
"Yes," said the patient,
smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre April Fool's Day Hoaxes
The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
In 1957 the respected BBC news show
Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual
elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a
bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss
peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers
were taken in, and many called up wanting to know how they could grow their own
spaghetti trees. To this question, the BBC diplomatically replied that they
should "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for
the best."
The Taco Liberty Bell
In 1996 the Taco Bell Corporation
announced that it had bought the Liberty Bell from the federal government and
was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called up
the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell is housed to express
their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed that it was
all a practical joke a few hours later.
The Left-Handed Whopper
In 1998 Burger King published a full
page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to
their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32
million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper
included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato,
hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the
benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a
follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax,
thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich.
Whistling Carrots
In 2002 the British supermarket
chain Tesco published an advertisement in The Sun announcing the successful
development of a genetically modified 'whistling carrot.' The ad explained that
the carrots had been specially engineered to grow with tapered airholes in
their side. When fully cooked, these airholes caused the vegetable to whistle.
Drunk Driving on the Internet
An article by John Dvorak in the
April 1994 issue of PC Computing magazine described a bill going through
Congress that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk, or to
discuss sexual matters over a public network. The bill was supposedly numbered
040194 (i.e. 04/01/94), and the contact person was listed as Lirpa Sloof (April
Fools backwards). The article said that the FBI was going to use the bill to
tap the phone line of anyone who "uses or abuses alcohol" while
accessing the internet. Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because
"Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?"
Portable Zip Codes
In 2004 National Public Radio's All
Things Considered announced that the post office had begun a new 'portable zip
codes' program. This program, inspired by an FCC ruling that allowed phone
users to take their phone number with them when they moved, would allow people
to also take their zip code with them when they moved, no matter where they
moved to. It was hoped that with this new program zip codes would come to
symbolize "a citizen's place in the demographic, rather than geographic,
landscape."
Corporate Tattoos
In 1994 National Public Radio's All
Things Considered program reported that companies such as Pepsi were sponsoring
teenagers to tattoo their ears with corporate logos. In return for branding
themselves with the corporate symbol, the teenagers would receive a lifetime
10% discount on that company's products. Teenagers were said to be responding
enthusiastically to this deal.
[www.museumofhoaxes.com]
***
A Match Not Made In Heaven
HAUPPAUGE, N.Y. - After Officer
Michael Valentine got dumped by a woman he met on the online dating service
Match.com, he sought his revenge by hacking into her email account and posing
as her in messages sent to himself and other men.
He is accused of reading her email,
changing her Match profile and sending emails in her name.
An email he sent to himself
threatened that her friends would "come out of the bushes with a baseball
bat and beat your brains in," prosecutors said.
He also sent messages to about 70
men on the service that indicated she was interested in them. Two of these men
arrived at the woman's home to take her out after being falsely led to think
she wanted to date them.
***
Full Moon Causes Crazy Behavior
PHILADELPHIA - Two teenagers were
charged Monday with the killing of 47-year-old Martin Malone.
Malone had been rummaging through a
garbage bin when the teens began taunting him and calling him names. After
Malone responded by mooning them, the boys stabbed him with a multi-tool and
bludgeoned him to death with a shovel. The teens threw rocks at him and then
attacked him, leaving him to die in a field, police said.
The two were arrested after
witnesses gave police a description of the clothes the attackers were wearing.
***
Thief Tries To Take Officers For A
Ride
MIAMI - A Miami man was due in court
on a car-stealing charge with no way to get there, so, police say, he stole
another car to keep his date.
That landed Thomas Minks in a lot of
trouble -- with the law catching up with him in the parking lot of the
Miami-Dade Justice Building where a stun gun was used to stop him after he
tried to flee and reportedly almost ran down two officers, the Miami Herald
said.
The Mercedes he was accused of
stealing was equipped with a Global Positioning System that guided police right
to him.
Minks, 32, faces two counts of
aggravated assault on police officers and single counts of grand theft auto and
fleeing and eluding police officers.
______________________________
The tax advisor had just read the
story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The
little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin
turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy,
when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or
a long-term capital gain?"
______________________________
The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things
to say to a man after sex:
R: You're the one
W: Next.
R: You really know how to satisfy a
woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane?
R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.
R: What color are your eyes?
W: Is my discharge still brown?
R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.
R: I think we should go away for the
weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.
R: I love you.
W: I love you.
______________________________
DDL
A horny young fellow from Wheeling,
Jerked off every morn with great feeling.
In no time at all,
He had whitewashed the wall,
And then started in on the ceiling.
______________________________
"I hate driving, and I hate
when people honk at me. Unless I'm making a left turn. Then I like it because
that's how I know it's time to turn."
--Rita Rudner
***
"The only comfort you can take
from eating at a Denny's is that you know for sure that all over America,
everyone else at a Denny's is just as unhappy as you are."
--Drew Carey
***
"People are going on dates now
to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date
doesn't look any better."
--Margot Black
***
"It was on this day in 1865
that President Lincoln was shot at Ford's Theatre by actor John Wilkes Booth.
It was also the beginning of a feud between Republican presidents and actors
that continues 'till this day."
--Jay Leno
***
"They say kissing a smoker is
like licking an ashtray, which is a good thing to remember the next time you
get lonely."
--Fred Stoller
***
"Today I saw a New York cab
driver take an elderly woman across the street. No, wait a minute, the word I'm
looking for is knock...knock her across the street."
--Dave Letterman
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Thursday, October 13, 2005. 7:00am
(AEST)
Sperm donor ordered to pay child
support
A Swedish man who donated his sperm
to a lesbian couple must pay child support for the three children he fathered,
Sweden's Supreme Court has ruled.
The man, now 39, donated his sperm
to the couple in the early 1990s. Three sons were born during the years
1992-1996, according to Swedish news agency TT, which reported the ruling.
The man told the court that he and
the women had agreed that he would play no role in the boys' child-rearing and
that the two women would be their parents. Nonetheless, the man signed a
document confirming that he was the biological father of the children.
Shortly after he signed the
document, the two women separated and the biological mother demanded that the
man pay child support. The man took the case to court, but lost in the district
and appeals courts.
The Supreme Court upheld those
rulings on Wednesday, saying that as the biological father he is required to
pay for the children's upbringing.
**********
Feb 18, 2006 11:31 am US/Central
Dead Man In Car Ticketed For Parking
3 Times
(AP) PEORIA, Ill. Police in Peoria
now say three parking tickets and a tow-away sticker had been placed on the
sport utility vehicle in which a dead man's body was found last week.
Officers confirmed Friday that
someone in the parking-enforcement division had issued the tickets and sticker
to the SUV, which was parked illegally near Methodist Medical Center. The
ticket writer did not see the body of 46-year-old Michael Hudson of Decatur
inside the black Mercedes.
Hudson had been reported missing
February Sixth, and his body was discovered in the back seat three days later
when someone walked by and noticed a foot against the passenger-side, backseat
window
**********
British Bars Selling Sex Toys in
Machines
Mon Mar 6, 11:12 PM ET
LONDON - Bars and nightclubs in
London and other British cities have begun using vending machines that sell sex
toys such as mini vibrators.
The pink Tabooboo machines had previously been used in public toilets in
Britain, under the assumption that such settings gave buyers some privacy.
But Geoff Todd, manager of the
Alphabet Bar in London's West End area, said the Tabooboo machine it installed
in the middle of the bar is used daily.
"Some people use it just
because it's in the bar. Some make a special journey, maybe because they are to
embarrassed to go into a sex shop," Todd was quoted as saying by Monday's
The Guardian newspaper. "Some buy the toys because they are a novelty,
some do it for a laugh, some buy them as presents. It's been a great
success."
In addition to bars and nightclubs
in London, Manchester and Newcastle, the vending machines also have begun to
show up in hairdressing salons, health clubs and retail stores, Tabooboo
managing director Alan Lucas said.
He said the company also has
exported about 20 of the machines to Italy and about 10 to the United States.
"The younger generation isn't
phased by sex toys. They don't believe they equal pornography. Vending machines
allow them to buy such products anonymously without going to a seedy sex shops
to do so," Lucas said.
The 11 different sex toys carried by
the Tabooboo vending machines sell for an average 5 pounds (euro7.30, US$8.80)
each, Lucas said.
**********
True Urban Legend
Claim: Photographs show
rooms of a townhouse filled with beer cans and boxes.
Status: True.
Example: [Collected via
e-mail, 2006]
A SINGLE GUY LIVED IN THIS TOWNHOUSE
FOR 8 YEARS IN OGDEN, UTAH. THEY THOUGHT HE WAS THE BEST RENTER BECAUSE HE
NEVER CALLED OR COMPLAINED AND WAS NEVER LATE ON A PAYMENT. THESE PICTURES
DON'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO WHAT IT REALLY LOOKED LIKE. CENTURY 21 HAD ALREADY
MOVED SOME OF THE CANS OUT AND HAD CAVED IN TUNNELS THAT HE HAD MADE TO GET TO
THE BEDROOM, BATHROOM, AND KITCHEN.
All this, yet, you still don't see
any dust or scattered clothes or any dirty dishes anywhere. Other than having a
minor drinking problem, he was basically a very clean, organized person. Add to
this he was concerned about his health, proved by the fact that he drank a
"Light" beer.
Origins: Yow! Most of us
would probably be hard-pressed to find the time to collect (or buy) as many
beer cans as are pictured here, transport them to our residence, and distribute
them in various rooms — never mind actually drinking that much brew. But that's
what evidently happened here.
According to KSL-TV in Salt Lake
City, the above-displayed images are real pictures of an Ogden, Utah, residence
taken in 2005. Century 21 property manager Ryan Froerer
was alerted by a realtor to come check on a townhouse that the latter described
as "the sickest thing he's ever seen." Mr. Froerer found the
residence possessed of a sickening smell, its front door blocked by debris, the
furnishings inside buried under mountains of beer cans, and rooms stacked to
the ceiling with beer boxes. He snapped a few photos of the interior and
e-mailed them to friends, pictures that have now worked their way around the
world via the Internet.
The 8-year resident of the building
was apparently exceedingly fond of Coors Light beer, drinking a couple of dozen
cans a day, every day, for the length of his residence, saving all the empties
as well as the cartons they came in. (The townhouse was found to contain an
estimated 70,000 empty beer cans which reportedly fetched a total of $800 when
they were delivered to a recycler.) Despite his unusual behavior, the occupant
of the townhouse was described as a reliable tenant who paid his rent on time,
never complained, and maintained such a low profile that the local mail carrier
thought the residence was vacant. (Although, for reasons not explained by news
reports, the tenant had evidently deliberately shut off the water and heat to
the townhouse.)
According to KSL-TV, the townhouse
has since been cleaned up, and the former resident has stopped drinking and has
resumed his former job.
Last updated: 28 May
2006
