Subject: Daily Dose - 060528 - dripping, Weird News, I love Mark Twain, DDL, Rotten News

A man went to the doctor because he had a problem with his penis dripping after had urinated.

The doctor said, "No problem, we can fix that for you. It is really a simple procedure. We just graft a piece of skin from your nose onto your penis and it will take care of the problem."

After the operation, the guy went to the washroom to see if the operation worked. He peed, shook and waited. Suddenly a small drip began to form and he thought to himself, it didn't work! Then all of a sudden he heard "sniffff" and it was gone.

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Weird News....

October 20, 2005 

Man requests longer prison sentence to match Bird's jersey number

OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) - A man got a prison term longer than prosecutors and defence lawyers had agreed to - all because of Larry Bird.

The lawyers reached a plea agreement Tuesday for a 30-year term for a man accused of shooting with an intent to kill and robbery. But Eric James Torpy wanted his prison term to match Bird's NBA jersey No. 33.

"He said if he was going to go down, he was going to go down in Larry Bird's jersey," judge Ray Elliott said Wednesday. "We accommodated his request and he was just as happy as he could be.

"I've never seen anything like this in 26 years in the courthouse. But, I know the DA is happy about it."

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Beer flows from house taps in Norway

OSLO (Reuters) - A woman thought she was in heaven when beer instead of water flowed from the taps in her apartment in west Norway.

"I turned on the tap to clean some knives and forks and beer came out," Haldis Gundersen told Reuters from her home in Kristiansund, west Norway. "We thought we were in heaven."

Beer in Norway is among the most expensive in the world with a 0.4 litre (0.7 pint) costing about 50 crowns (4.3 pounds) in a bar.

Gundersen said she tried the beer but that it tasted a bit odd and was not fizzy.

It turned out that a worker in a bar two floors below had mixed up the pipes on Saturday evening, wrongly connecting a new barrel to a water pipe leading to Gundersen's flat. The bar got water in its beer taps.

"If it happens again I'm going to order Baileys (coffee liqueur)," she said.

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Miss Deaf Texas killed by train

Updated: 10:42 a.m. ET March 14, 2006

AUSTIN - The reigning Miss Deaf Texas died Monday afternoon after being struck by a train, officials said.

Tara Rose McAvoy, 18, was walking near railroad tracks when she was struck by a Union Pacific train, authorities said. A witness told Austin television station KTBC the train sounded its horn right up until the accident occurred.

McAvoy, who had been deaf since birth, won the state title in June and represented the state “with dignity and pride,” state pageant director Laura Loeb-Hill told the Associated Press via e-mail Monday night.

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I love Mark Twain...  

When author Sam Clemens, alias Mark Twain, proposed marriage to Olivia Langdon, her acceptance hinged on her father's approval of the match. Because the Langdons were an upper-class New York family and Clemens was a rough-hewn Westerner, they had no acquaintances in common.

So Mr. Langdon asked for references, which Clemens provided. To the prospective bridegroom's dismay, the letters Langdon received gave Clemens a unanimous and enthusiastic thumbs-down. Two even predicted that the author would fill a drunkard's grave.

"Haven't you a friend in the world?" Langdon asked.

"Apparently not," Clemens replied.

"I'll be your friend myself," Langdon said. "Take the girl. I know you better than they do."

His instincts were correct, since Clemens proved a loyal and loving husband to Olivia.

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DDL

There was a young lady of Crewe
Whose cunt was so straight and so true
That the navy, when fighting,
Could use it for sighting,
And at full range could sink a canoe.

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"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film."
--Cynthia Levin

***

"There's got to be something wrong with people who go to Star Trek conventions. I mean, I like Mary Tyler Moore, too, but I don't rent out a big hall and dress up like Rhoda."
--Andy Kindler

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"I'm a grown woman but my father still thinks I know nothing about my car. He always asks me, 'You changing the oil every 3,000 miles?' 'Yes, Dad. I'm also putting sugar in the gas tank. That way my exhaust smells like cotton candy.'"
--Mimi Gonzalez

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"I can't work out in front of women. I don't want them to see me when I'm on my way to my goal--which is them!"
--Craig Shoemaker

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"My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a mathematician, my brother is a chemical engineer--and I like to color."
--Shashi Bhatia

***

"There's no such thing as fun for the whole family; there are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry."
--Jerry Seinfeld

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Rotten News....  (true)

March 13, 2006 

Holocaust cartoon contest draws 700 entries

By NASSER KARIMI

TEHRAN, Iran (AP) - An Iranian newspaper's contest for Holocaust-related cartoons has drawn some 700 entries from 200 people, with some drawings mocking the Second World War slaughter: One entry shows Jews going into a gas pipeline.

Most contest entrants are Iranian, but six are Americans and a few cartoons have been submitted from as far away as Indonesia and Brazil, according to the Hamshahri newspaper. A few of the drawings have been posted online.

Hamshahri began the contest last month as a test of the West's readiness to print cartoons about the Nazi killing of six million Jews in the Second World War. The contest, which runs through May 15, comes in response to caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad that sparked protests across much of the Muslim world.

One submission reflects the opinion of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who drew international outrage last year when he said the Holocaust was a myth. The cartoon, by Iranian Firouzeh Mozafari, shows a circle of nine Jewish men entering and leaving a gas chamber that shows a counter reading "5,999,999," implying that Jews have inflated the number of Holocaust victims.

American cartoonist Mike Flugennock's cartoon asks: "What has Ariel Sharon learned from the Holocaust?" It shows bulldozers razing Palestinian homes and an Israeli soldier pointing a gun at a Palestinian protester's head, above Flugennock's answer to his own question: "Humiliation, tyranny, brutality and murder."

Flugennock said he saw the contest as a chance to tell the world "that there is 'another America' that sees through the policies of the Israeli state and isn't afraid of reactionaries' trying to tar them with the epithet 'anti-Semite.' "

Farid Mortazavi, who is managing the contest for Hamshahri, said he has received about 700 cartoons from some 200 artists. A website run by contest organizers says entries have come in from 35 countries.

The newspaper is offering prizes of up to $14,000 Cdn.

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Husband's Ashes Returned After In-Law Sells Them

POSTED: 6:42 am EST March 16, 2006

STROUDSBURG, Pa. -- A Stroudsburg, Pa., woman whose husband's cremated remains were accidentally sold in a garage sale last weekend has gotten them back.

The ashes of Brian Hanlon were in a 10-inch-high statuette of an eagle. Jane Hanlon had left it on a mantle along with some items she was selling before moving. And her mother, Sarah Volpe, not realizing what it was, sold it for $30.

The Pocono Record ran a story about how much they wanted the statuette back, and the paper reported Thursday that the woman who bought it returned it Wednesday, on what would have been Brian Hanlon's 45th birthday.

Jane Hanlon said her mom jokes that her son-in-law went on vacation for his birthday. And she said she was happy to give the buyer her $30 back. Hanlon said she doesn't blame her mother for selling the statue -- she said it was her fault for leaving it with items to be sold.

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Man Hits His Own Car Then Sues Himself

LODI, Calif. - When a dump truck backed into Curtis Gokey's car, he decided to sue the city for damages. Only thing is, he was the one driving the dump truck. But that minor detail didn't stop Gokey, a Lodi city employee, from filing a $3,600 claim for the December accident, even after admitting the crash was his fault.

After the city denied that claim because Gokey was, in essence, suing himself, he and his wife, Rhonda, decided to file a new claim under her name.

City Attorney Steve Schwabauer said this one also lacks merit because Rhonda Gokey can't sue her own husband.

"You can sue your spouse for divorce, but you can't sue your spouse for negligence," Schwabauer said. "They're a married couple under California law. They're one entity. It's damage to community property."

But Rhonda Gokey insisted she has "the right to sue the city because a city's vehicle damaged my private vehicle."

In fact, her claim, currently pending at Lodi City Hall, is for an even larger amount — $4,800.

"I'm not as nice as my husband is," she said.