Subject: Daily Dose - 060527 - balls in my beer, BIZARRE NEWS, high school reunion, hamster, DDL, Rotten News

A man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. When he gets his beer, he starts eyeing this beautiful lady in the corner. Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the beer, dunks his balls in the beer, and runs off.

Agitated, the man says to the bartender, "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!"

So, the bartender brings him another beer. Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him. Even more angry, the man says, "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!"

He gets another beer and guards it with his life. The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer.

Now the man is thoroughly pissed. He grabs the bartender and says, "Man, I've had it. Who's stupid monkey is this anyway?"

The bartender replied, "It belongs to the piano player."

The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?"

To this the piano player replies, "No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll fake it."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre UFO Sightings

On June 24th, 1947, Kenneth Arnold, former World War II fighter pilot, saw a cluster of disc-shaped objects near Mt. Rainier in Washington State, officially sparking the national debate over whether UFO's are real objects. When Arnold shared his account with reporters in Pendleton, he described the UFO's as "saucers." UFO's have popularly been referred to as "flying saucers" since.

On March 13, 1997, a number of witnesses, scientists, physicians, law enforcement officers, educators, attorneys, airline pilots, and other seemingly reliable witnesses, reported unusual lights moving in the Phoenix sky from Prescott to Tucson. Each report, within minutes of each other, described the object as a cluster of red-orange lights that gave the "impression of being in a "V" formation, somewhat like a wedge or boomerang in shape," according to one witness' report.

On January 6, 1969, Jimmy Carter reported a UFO sighting, which he made public while he was Governor of Georgia. Carter told the following to reporters: "It was the darndest thing I've ever seen. It was big, it was very bright, it changed colors, and it was about the size of the moon. We watched it for ten minutes, but none of us could figure out what it was. One thing's for sure, I'll never make fun of people who say they've seen unidentified objects in the sky. If I become President, I'll make every piece of information this country has about UFO sightings available to the public and the scientists."

On October 18, 1973, Captain Lawrence J. Coyne, Staff Sergeant John Healy, Co-Pilot Arrigo Jozzi, and Crew Chief SSGT Robery Yanacsek, Army reservists, were flying from Columbus, Ohio to Cleveland, Ohio in a helicopter. When the aircraft was near the Mansfield airport, Captain Coyne adjusted his flight path to avoid a collision with a "cigar-shaped, metallic gray" object that shone a "green spotlight."

California Central Airliner was minutes outside the Burbank Hollywood airport on October 5, 1950 when Captain Cecil Hardin noticed a lighted object approaching head-on. Copilot Jack Conroy later told reporters that the UFO was only in sight a few moments before passing below their plane. Captain Hardin said, "the thing that was really odd was that it didn't appear to have any fuselage. We also felt no propeller wash as the object passed under our wing."

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This Guy Wasn't Using His Head...

HAMBURG, Germany - Imagine the surprise of gas station attendants when a man showed up at the station carrying the severed head of his wife.

The 40-year-old man, who claimed to be mentally ill, had decapitated his wife and brought the head to the Hamburg gas station. He asked an attendant to call police and confessed to the killing.

Police found the rest of his wife's body at the man's home, along with the couple's two small daughters.

"The 40-year-old appeared confused and said that he had killed his wife," said police spokeswoman Karina Sadowsky. The daughters were taken into state custody.

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Gator Gets Too Close For Comfort

BONITA SPRINGS, Fla. - A Florida woman who heard someone knocking at her front door was shocked when she looked out and spotted an 8-foot alligator.

The alligator was even more frightening because it had a bloody jaw.

Lori Pachelli called her husband, Mike, the Naples (Fla.) Daily News reported. He called the superintendent of their gated community, who summoned an alligator trapper.

The alligator remained at the door for an hour, banging its head against it occasionally. When it slid into the community's pond, the trapper got it.

Experts say this is the time of year when male alligators wander, looking for prospective mates.

The Pachellis, who moved to Florida from Pennsylvania in January, say they enjoy watching gators swimming around the pond but this one was a little too close for comfort.

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Why Wearing Pantyhose Is Such A Pain

MONTEREY, Calif. - A male thief dressed as a woman almost made a clean getaway after robbing a gas station earlier this week. However, his plan was foiled when the stockings he was wearing got stuck in a car door.

Officer Chad Ventimiglia noticed the fishnet pantyhose hanging out the driver's-side door of a black Saab. The car was pulled over and police found Michael Leslie Clouse, wearing a black evening gown, fishnet stockings, calf-high boots and a black wig, inside.

He was arrested and booked for investigation of armed robbery.

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My 20th high school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school's 10th-year reunion was taking place.

While my girl friends and I were in the rest room talking, some unfamiliar women entered. After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them.

One of the women said, "Don't mind us. We just wanted to see how we'd look in another 10 years."

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The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one.

They named it Danny.  Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

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DDL

A sizzling nympho named Whitely,
Demanded a workover nightly.
You'd screw her for hours
With all of your powers,
Then creep home all limp and unsightly.

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"We have a new recipe for an exotic gourmet dinner. First, take two credit cards..."
--Bessie and Beulah

***

"I'm really upset with the restaurant parking attendants. They won't validate my feelings."
--Scott Wood

***

"Our four-year-old Candice inquired, 'When our goldfish die could we take them out and eat them?'"
--Bobbi Bourbonnais

***

"Early today Michael met with his priest - not for spiritual advice, they went on a double date."
--Jay Leno

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"I understand there is now a new virginity movement in high schools around the country where kids are now saving themselves for the right teacher."
--Jay Leno

***

"I want to begin with some kudos to the Supreme Court. Today they ruled it was illegal for states to execute 16 and 17-year-old criminals. Now you will recall three years ago they also deemed it unconstitutional to execute the retarded. And I just want to take this opportunity to thank the United States Supreme Court for everything that it's doing to keep our show's core fan base alive."
--Jon Stewart

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Rotten News....  (true)

Elderly lovers stopped on dangerous Italy joy ride

Thu Mar 16, 1:42 PM ET

ROME (Reuters) - The zig-zagging car gave them away. When Italian police pulled over the vehicle, they found a completely naked 70-year-old woman who had been trying to have sex with the driver -- 11 years her junior.

After demanding the joy-riding couple get dressed, the police tested the semi-nude male motorist for drunk driving.

"He was three times over the legal (blood-alcohol) limit," said police commander Angelo D'Anardo in the city of Cologno al Serio, northeast of Milan. "We assume they must have been drinking at lunch and then things got out of control."

Asked if the couple were married, D'Anardo said he wasn't sure -- but somehow doubted it.

"Married people wouldn't probably do anything like this."

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Baby boomers prefer TV to sex - Canadian study

By Danny Glenwright

Thu Mar 16, 3:54 PM ET

TORONTO (Reuters) - When it comes to sex and romance, ageing Canadian baby boomers spend a lot more time watching television or surfing the net, according to a new study.

The survey by pollsters Ipsos Reid, commissioned by Pfizer Inc., the maker of Viagra, found that Canadians between the ages of 40 and 64 spend an average of 15 minutes a day on sex and romance, but can spend as much as five hours a day watching TV or surfing the Internet.

"Later in life, you have a different perspective of what sex is all about," John Wright, an Ipsos Reid spokesman, said on Thursday.

Of 2,500 people surveyed, more than half said they were often too tired to have sex, while 42 percent said they were too stressed out and 40 percent said they did not have time.

Linda Proulx, owner of Winnipeg, Manitoba's Love Nest boutiques, said the boomers' preference for watching TV is not such a bad thing. She said many of her customers are baby boomers and senior citizens who have taken a cue from television and decided to rejuvenate their sex life.

"People are spending time watching TV, but it is bringing them into our stores," she said, noting that more television shows have sexual themes. "They're buying the products to maybe help them engage in a more intimate or longer sex act because of something they've seen on TV."

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Police: Man Carjacks Minutes After Jail Release

UPDATED: 11:21 pm EST March 14, 2006

A man accused of stealing an off-duty Orange County deputy's car with her son inside had just been released from jail on similar carjacking charges minutes before the crime, Local 6 News has learned.

Investigators said Deputy Tonjali Frost, 37, her bail-bondsman husband and her 4-year-old son were at a RaceTrac gas station across the street from the Orange County Jail near John Young Parkway Monday night putting gas in both of their cars.

Police said when Frost's husband ran into the station to pay for gas, Jerome Nez jumped into the couple's white Jeep sport utility vehicle and drove off with the family's 4-year-old still in the vehicle.

The child somehow managed to exit the vehicle by either jumping or being pushed out near the gas station, Local 6 News reported.

When the child was out of vehicle, Frost and her husband opened fire at the fleeing SUV, Local 6 News reported.

Blocks away, Nez crashed into another vehicle and was taken into custody after a search of a nearby subdivison.

Nez is charged with grand theft auto and burglary in connection with the incident.

After an investigation, detectives learned that just weeks ago, Nez was accused of carjacking a man outside a Mobil gas station near Apopka, Fla.

"After being released from jail, Nez may not have had a ride home so investigators said he simply carjacked the deputy's vehicle," Local 6 reported Mike DeForest said.