Subject: Daily Dose - 060524 - More Groaners...
Today - more Groaners....
********
Once upon a time, in Medieval
England, a provincial baron's castle was under siege from a neighboring, rival
baron. Day and night, the attackers launched catapulted fireballs of burning
pitch, yeomen launched flight after flight of deadly arrows at the ramparts of
the castle.
Little by little, the resources of
the villagers huddled in the castle were dwindling away; almost no water,
no wheat to make bread, no meat at all. Finally, the "mayor" of the
peasants went to the baron and begged him to send for help.
The baron, sensing that if he didn't
do something soon, the peasants under his care would revolt and he would no
longer be able to expect him to work his far-flung estate lands. So, the baron
sent a knight on horseback to the nearest province to ask another baron for
help in repelling the attackers.
As it happened, the attacking baron
had constructed a huge, yellow hand and as soon as the knight left the castle
to ride for help, the yellow hand immediately grasped the aid-seeking knight
and crushed him, armor and all, into a small ball and was immediately flung
back over the castle walls.
Undaunted, the poor baron in the
castle sent out several more brave knights but each was captured and crushed by
that giant yellow hand and again, one-by-one, flung back over the castle wall
in a small ball.
Finally, the baron's court magician,
Marvin (Merlin's cousin, since Merlin was busy elsewhere), provided a solution
to the problem. He advised the baron, "That yellow hand is formidable,
Your Excellency, you should send out your lowliest court page to seek
help."
"But how will that help?
My pages carry no armament, and most of them do not know how to ride a steed,
" whined the baron.
"Sire," replied Marvin,
"haven't you heard that you should let your pages do the walking through
the yellow fingers?"
______________________________
A young man was in love with two
women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a
marriage counselor.
When asked to describe his two
loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious
pancakes.
"Oh," said the counselor,
"I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter
or verse."
______________________________
After devouring too many
cheeseburgers in paradise, Jimmy Buffet had piled on tons of weight.
He immediately rented a villa in a
Budapest fat farm run by a Hungarian martinette named Rita.
She so starved him and had him run
and work out morning, noon and night, that after just three weeks he literally
was wasting away in Magyar Rita's ville.
______________________________
A vet was performing an operation,
trying to revive an injured baldeagle, when he was overcome with dizziness and
spasms.
He was unable to recover and
complete the surgery before the eagle died.
Unfortunately, he then had to be
prosecuted under the 4th Amendment:
Ill eagle surgeon seizure.
______________________________
Q: What did the mime say to the
bartender?
***
Q: Do you know why crows are never
hit while eating road kill?
A: Because their friends are on the
Power Lines yelling..... CAAAAAR,CAAAAAAR.
***
Q: Who makes suits and eats spinach
?
A: Popeye the Tailorman.
***
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of
their dog.
***
Q: Why was the little ink drop
crying?
A: Because his father was in the pen
and he didn't know how long the sentence was gonna be.
***
Q: What do you get when you mix Holy
Water and Prune Juice?
A: A Religious Movement.
______________________________
So there are these two bees and one
bee asks the other, "Where can I get something to eat around here?"
The second bee replies, "Well,
there is a Bar Mitzvah going on down the street, about half a mile, should be
plenty of flowers and pastries to eat."
The first bee thanks him and heads
off to the party.
A little while later, the first bee
returns, with a bloated belly and a yarmulke on his head.
He tells the second bee, "I
found it, it was awesome! So many fresh flowers, so many sweet pastries!"
The second bee asks him, "So
what's with the yarmulke? Did you convert?"
The first bee replies, "I wore
it so they wouldn't think I was a WASP."
______________________________
Jesus and his disciples were walking
around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared
plus 8x minus 9."
The disciples looked very puzzled,
and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean -- 'the Kingdom of
Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'"
Peter said, "Don't worry, guys.
It's just another one of his parabolas."
______________________________
A young lad is caught stealing soap
from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to
make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime.
Judge: "Well, what have you to
say in your defense?"
Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your
honor."
Judge: "Hrmph. I sentence you
to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately."
Boy: "But sir, it was only a
few bars of cheap soap!"
Judge: "Consider yourself
lucky... It could have been life boy."
