Subject: Daily Dose - 060521 - I like shoes, THIS is TRUE, broken seal,
DDL, Rotten News
A psychiatrist was trying to comfort
a new patient who was terribly upset. “You see, Doc,” the patient explained,
“my problem is that I like shoes much better than I like boots.”
“Why, that’s no problem,” answered
the doctor. “Most people like shoes better than boots.”
The patient was thrilled, “That’s
neat, Doc. How do you like them, fried or scrambled?
______________________________
THIS is TRUE
MORONS OF THE WEEK #613: Tresa
Waggoner, 33, the music teacher in Bennett, Colo., invited Opera Colorado to
perform a comic opera for students. She showed her students a 12-minute segment
from a children's video she checked out of the school library, "Who's
Afraid of Opera?", to introduce them to the concept. The segment included
scenes from "Faust", which uses sock puppets to tell the story about
how a man suffers when he sells his soul to the devil. Parents accused the
teacher, a singer who has issued two Christian music albums, of being
anti-Christian and a devil worshiper. "I think [the video] glorifies Satan
in some way," said one parent. Waggoner was suspended, and the school
board ruled that Waggoner would not be allowed to return to the classroom. It
also canceled the opera performance. "Do we look like bumpkins?"
asked a cringing Town Board member, Rich Pulliam. (Rocky Mountain News, Denver
Post)
...Heck no! You'll have to claw your way up several levels to get up as far as
"bumpkins".
***
CRIKEY, MATE! Forget throwing
"a shrimp on the barbie" -- Australia is getting serious about
attracting foreign visitors with its new slogan. After showing lovely scenery
and things to do Down Under, the announcer in the Tourism Australia ads demands
to know, "So where the bloody hell are you?" Minister for Tourism
Fran Bailey loves the tagline, calling it "plain speaking and
friendly." Prime Minister John Howard says no one should be offended by
the mild swearing -- but won't say the line himself. When asked to by a radio
interviewer, Howard replied that he is "not somebody who uses that
expression, certainly not on radio." (Sydney Morning Herald, Australian AP)
...Well bugger him, then.
***
DRIVEN CRAZY: Mayra Ramirez, 16, a
sophomore at Curie Metropolitan High School in Chicago, Ill., didn't want to
take driver's education, but passing the written rules-of-the-road exam is a
graduation requirement. She reluctantly took the 10-week class and got an
"A". Ramirez never plans to drive: she's blind. "In a way, it
brought me down, because it reminds me of something I can't do," Ramirez
said. "I don't think you can ever get enough traffic safety," said
Brent Johnston, chairman of the Illinois High School/College Driver's Education
Association. Still, he admits, "a little common sense would go a long
way." (Chicago Tribune)
...Since so many schools haven't witnessed any in years.
***
TRY WALKING THE TALK: Scott Smith,
36, of Davis City, Iowa, was a leader of the Brotherhood of Christ religious
community when he was convicted of sexual abuse and indecent contact with two
teenaged girls. The Brotherhood is against modern conveniences, including
anything electrical. Smith was ordered to wear an electronic monitor as part of
his probation, but that violates his faith, he says, and would set a bad
example for his children. The sect's current leader, Ron Livingston, says the
ban on electricity is absolute, because it can cause people to "disobey
God and religion." The judge in the case is reconsidering the monitor
requirement. (Des Moines Register)
...You know, this wouldn't be an issue if the leader of the Brotherhood had
simply believed sexual assault of teen girls violated his faith and set a bad
example for his children.
***
IT'S SO SIMPLE, YOU SHOULD HAVE
THOUGHT OF IT: "Make More Money, [Prime Minister] Berlusconi Tells Poor
Italians"
-- Reuters headline
______________________________
A little boy returned from the
grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little
boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen
table.
"What are you doing?"
asked his mom.
"The box says you shouldn't eat
them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for
the seal."
______________________________
DDL
As two consular clerks in Madras
Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
'What a marvelous pole,'
Said she, 'but control
Your sinkers--they're banging my ass.'
______________________________
"We estimate that there are
perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now,
if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem, but if they find a
leader - a Captain Caveman, if you will - we'll be facing an even more serious
problem."
--Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, on the dangers of global warming
***
"New York...when civilization
falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you."
--David Letterman
***
"All men hear is blah, blah,
blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER."
--Dennis Leary
***
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No
matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one
billion Chinese couldn't care less.
***
668...The Neighbor of the Beast
***
"Fashion is all about
eventually becoming naked."
-- Unknown
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Christian Wrestlers Body Slam For
God
POSTED: 12:16 pm EST March 20, 2006
AUGUSTA, Ga. -- Can
professional-style wrestling really be the next frontier for Christian
outreach?
Small bands of masked evangelists,
clad in tights and armed with biblical names, argue it is. The violence and
intensity of wrestling, they claim, can be the perfect way to attract the
alternative, younger crowd.
At the beginning of some
"Wrestling for Jesus" shows, wrestler Chase "Darkness"
Cliett is strapped to a massive wooden cross on stage as piercing music is played.
A group of evil wrestlers beats and bloodies him before the good guys
dramatically come to his rescue. Later, after a horned fellow in a red suit is
knocked out, the preaching begins.
But it's not for everyone; many
churches won't even consider letting them perform.
One performance ended with real
fighting, real cursing and a repentant participant stretched-out face-down in
the ring weeping.
**********
Free beer for toads
By BEN LANGFORD
20mar06
TERRITORIANS are being offered free
beer in return for live cane toads.
The RSPCA, Coopers Brewery and the
Cavenagh Hotel have teamed up in the name of animal welfare and the result is
that toads can be turned into beer.
In a move designed to turn seasoned
Top End beer drinkers into lean, mean, toad-catching machines, the three Darwin
organisations have got together to set up a toad-for-beer exchange. Anyone over
the age of 18 who captures a toad and delivers it alive to the Darwin RSPCA
qualifies for a glass of icy cold Coopers beer at the Cavenagh Hotel.
``Everyone who takes a cane toad to
the RSPCA to be disposed of humanely gets a voucher for a free pot of Coopers
ale at the Cav,'' Coopers Brewery's NT sales executive Sean Gould said.
He said there would be a beer for
each toad _ up to a limit of six a day.
Cavenagh Hotel general manager Brett
Simmonds said: ``It's all about the toads, not about the beer.'' But the toads
must be alive.
``No coupons for squashed toads,''
Mr Wilkinson said.
While the toad catchers are enjoying
their cold ale, the RSPCA will be busy euthanasing the toads with sodium
pentobarbitone, an overdose of barbituates administered with a few drops on the
skin that kills toads immediately.
``It's the most humane way to kill
an animal,'' Mr Wilkinson said. ``They just go to sleep.''
**********
Life is happy in tax-free North
Korea
Mon Mar 20, 5:31 AM ET
SEOUL (Reuters) - Aid workers say
North Korea is short of food, analysts say its economy is a mess and U.S.
President George W. Bush says leader Kim Jong-il is a tyrant, but Pyongyang
says life is wonderful -- and blissfully free of tax.
North Korea has one of the lowest
per capita income figures in the world. Although it says it has free health
care, it cannot supply enough electricity to keep its factories running or to
light the country at night.
On Monday, North Korean official
media sang the praises of living in the communist country.
"The people of the Democratic
People's Republic of Korea enjoy a happy life, not knowing what the tax is
like," the official KCNA news agency reported.
North Korea said it got rid of taxes
in 1974.
It receives significant humanitarian
assistance from the South, which uses taxes from its citizens to help feed
people in the North.
Doesn't say I can't piss on them