Subject: Daily Dose - 060520 - Little Italy, BIZARRE NEWS, shopping cart,
DDL, Rotten News
A married couple in New York's
"Little Italy" went to their priest to discuss birth control, since
they already had five children. The husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would
be an acceptable substitute in the eyes of the Church.
The Priest explained that it was
still considered a perverted act and a sin; totally banned according to their
faith.
The wife spoke up fuming, "Look
Father, you no play-a da game, you no make-a da rules."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Bulletin Bloopers
* From a lyric sheet: "What a
friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and briefs to bear."
* Support group meeting postponed:
"There will be no Moms Who Care this week."
* "Father, we just want to pray
for our unloved saved ones."
* The Overeater's Anonymous Group
will meet at 8:00 in the large room.
* Diana and Don request your
presents at their wedding.
* We pray that our people will
jumble themselves.
* Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crows
* "Child Care provided with
reservations."
* Janet Smith has volunteered to
strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.
* Scripture: "I was hungry and
you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and you gave me something to
drink."
* The Honeymooners Group is now
having Bile Studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30p.m.
* Pray that a food foundation will
be laid in the lives of our teens.
* We are always happy to let you sue
our facility.
***
Arsonists' Plan To Ignite Car Blows
Up In Their Faces
ENID, Okla. - Two men incriminated
themselves when they accidentally hit the wrong button on a cell phone and gave
911 dispatchers a detailed account of their plot to set a vehicle on fire.
Emergency dispatchers and a shift
supervisor listened for four hours while the two Enid natives worked out their
plan to steal an acquaintance's car and burn the vehicle up.
"They made some pretty dumb
statements," said Enid police Capt. Jim Nivison. "One of the males
said, 'It's gonna burn, will they be able to get fingerprints?' and 'I've got
the lighter, Dude. Let's go.'"
The two men, Johnny Ray Miller and
Robert A. Patterson, were later jailed on conspiracy complaints.
***
Man Hits Own Car, Then Sues Himself!
LODI, Calif. - I've heard of some
crazy lawsuits, but I think this one takes the cake. After a dump truck hit
Curtis Gokey's car, he sued the city for damages. The only problem - he was the
one driving the dump truck.
However, that didn't keep Gokey, a
city worker, from filing a claim for the accident, even after he admitted the
crash was his fault.
When Gokey's claim was denied by the
city because he was, in essence, suing himself, the oh-so-brilliant Gokey and
his wife, Rhonda, filed a new claim under her name.
City Attorney Steve Schwabauer said
this one also lacks merit because Rhonda Gokey can't sue her own husband.
However, Rhonda Gokey insists she has "the right to sue the city because a
city's vehicle damaged my private vehicle."
***
Fake Money Buys Man A Spot In Jail
PALM BAY, Fla. - A 23-year-old man
obviously had a good evening planned when he stopped at a Walgreens Drug Store
to pick up a pack of condoms and some cologne. Too bad he tried to make his
purchases using a fake $100 bill.
The clerk suspected the bill
Christopher Leigh Smith handed over was fake and stalled him until police arrived.
"He told them that he knew it
was fake and that he had gotten it from an unknown man," said spokeswoman
Yvonne Martinez.
Unless Smith had planned on a fun
night in jail, his date probably didn't end up so well. He is being held at
Brevard County Jail on a $1,000 bond.
***
Turkey Break-In Ruffles Family's
Feathers
SAGINAW, Mich. - A Michigan couple
were surprised -- and slightly injured -- when a turkey burst through their
picture window and ran through their home.
Maureen and Gerald Henze were
watching television Tuesday afternoon when the crash sent glass flying onto
them, causing minor cuts on their legs and feet.
The Saginaw News reports Gerald
looked up and saw the turkey running down the hallway of their three-bedroom
house. Closely tailing it was the Henze's dog Donny. Gerald Henze also gave
pursuit, grabbing a handful of tail feathers while trapping the bird in the
back bedroom.
Deputy Kirt Shields of the Saginaw
County (Mich.) Sheriff's Department got a little scratched by the gobbler as he
tried to release it outside.
______________________________
My father is a skilled CPA who is
not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my
father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped
at the chance.
Fully a year went by before we got a
call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the
caller asked.
"That's right," my father
answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said.
"One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get
it."
______________________________
DDL
The king of the jungle just cried
When his harem got sick and all died
"Oh my Gracious!" cried he
"It's a cat-ass-tro-fee
And I'm heartsick. What's more I've no pride."
______________________________
"A new study says that obese
people can lose weight if they walk 12 miles per week. As a result Applebee's
is introducing a new 12 mile long buffet."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Secretary of Health and Human
Services Michael Leavitt is recommending that Americans keep canned tuna and
powdered milk under their beds for when the bird flu hits. Well, that should
silence critics who say the Administration doesn't have a plan to deal with the
bird flu, huh?"
--Jay Leno
***
"Congress may pass a law that
would result in TV networks that broadcast indecency being even stiffly
penalized. In fact, it is going to cost us 500 more bucks because I said
stiffly penalized."
--Craig Ferguson
***
Q: How do you cure bed wetting?
A: An electric Blanket.
***
"I'm very, very jealous.
Sometimes I walk down the street and I see a beautiful woman and I think to
myself: "I'll bet my boyfriend would like to sleep with her" and I
get SO ANGRY. I run right home and smack him, and say "How much more of
this do you think I can take?"
--Denise Munro
***
Laws are like sausages. It is better
not to see them being made.
--Otto von Bismarck
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Small Italian Company Designs Jeans
For Muslims
POSTED: 12:37 pm EST March 21, 2006
ROME -- They're high around the
waist, wide around the leg and have lots of pockets for holding watches,
bracelets, glasses and other knickknacks.
A new line of jeans designed by a
small company in northern Italy caters to Muslims seeking to stay comfortable
while they pray.
"As far as we know we're the
first, at least in Italy," said Luca Corradi, who designed Al Quds jeans.
The bagginess is to ensure the wearer
avoids stiffness while bending down repeatedly during prayers. The pockets are
for holding all the accessories Muslims have to take off while they worship.
And the jeans have green seams -- because green is the sacred color of Islam.
Al Quds representatives said a year
of research and testing went into the product, with models being asked to try
different versions of the jeans while they prayed.
Abdel Hamid Shaari, president of the
Islamic Cultural Institute in Milan, said low-priced jeans specifically
designed to keep Muslims comfortable could open up a big market in Islamic
countries and countries with large Muslim populations.
Al Quds -- the Arabic name for
Jerusalem -- has produced an initial 9,500 pairs that it sold to the French
retailer Carrefour SA. The retailer has sold an initial batch of about 50 pairs
of jeans at a low promotional price of $22.53 in its centers in Italy, company
officials said. Corradi said the regular price would be $30.44.
**********
Miami dancer sues show for dismissal
over bra size
Tue Mar 21, 4:43 PM ET
MIAMI (Reuters) - A Miami-based
dancer is suing the owners and producers of the Broadway musical "Movin'
Out" for more than $100 million (57 million pounds) in damages on grounds
that she was emotionally abused and fired after her breasts grew too large for
her costumes.
Alice Alyse was a top dancer in the
touring company of the show, which features Billy Joel's music and Twyla
Tharp's choreography. Alyse says she was dismissed from the cast of the show
last month after her breasts grew from cup size C to D while she was recovering
from an injury.
Alyse, who is in her 20s, said the
change of cup size occurred naturally as her body matured. Ruling out any big
weight gain, she said she kept fit while recovering from a toe injury suffered
when she was dropped by a fellow dancer from six feet in the air.
"I was thin, I was a size zero,
but my breasts had gotten bigger," Alyse told a news conference on
Tuesday. "When I tried on my costumes they fit everywhere except in the
breast area."
Alyse's lawyer, Larry Klayman, said
the "main perpetrator" of the alleged abuse heaped on the young
dancer was Eric Sprosty, a stage manager. Klayman said Sprosty flew into a rage
after learning of Alyse's changing breast size.
"In the ballet world,
obviously, people are small-breasted," Klayman said in answer to a
question about the maturing shape of Alyse, who is a trained ballerina.
"On Broadway, what happened should be an attribute."
**********
German court prescribes viagra for
stallion
Mon Mar 20, 11:57 AM ET
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German court
ordered viagra to be given to a stallion after his new owner claimed he was
impotent and refused to pay the full asking price.
The buyer of the horse called Vedor
paid just a tenth of the price of over 4,000 euros (2,772 pounds), claiming it
had only one testicle and failed to get frisky with a female pony.
A vet found the testicle after an
examination, said Egbert Simons, a spokesman for the court in the eastern town
of Neuruppin.
And when the stallion was given the
potency drug, it emerged he was fully functional, he added.
The court ordered the buyer to pay
the full price.
