Subject: Daily Dose - 060517 - George's Collection
Another collection from George in
Winnipeg....
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The Texas preacher said to his
congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I
belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and
this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you
have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be
forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous
blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head
was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a
terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets."
The preacher fainted
______________________________
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it
"Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you,
"Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes,"
and press the mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?
Works for me!
______________________________
WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:
YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART
DESIRES
YOU HAVE NO WORRIES
YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS
AWAITING YOU
YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN
YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS
YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH
OPEN ARMS AND KISSES
SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
IN THE WRONG HOUSE.
______________________________
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your
hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to
pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when
dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability
of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial
a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you
tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next
morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change
lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than
the one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully
immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The
probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you
don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to
prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Bio mechanics: The severity
of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the
people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit
down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will
last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there
are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty
Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of
landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness
and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you
go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is
possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers
no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you
find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
_______________________________
Mike was going to be married to
Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you
something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my
pants, handed them to your mother, and here, 'Here, try these on.'"
She did and said, 'These are too big
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the
pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night we have never
had any problems."
Hmmm," said Mike. He thought
that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his
pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."
She tried them on and said,
"These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I
wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever
forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and
handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get
into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if
you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."
______________________________
One liners....
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
-----
Last week, I stated this woman was
the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and
now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
-----
I had a rose named after me and I
was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the
catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
-----
Be careful about reading health
books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
------
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain
------
By all means, marry. If you get a
good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a
philosopher.
- Socrates
------
I was married by a judge. I should
have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
------
My wife has a slight impediment in
her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
------
I have never hated a man enough to
give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
------
Only Irish coffee provides in a
single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
------
Don't go around saying the world
owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain
------
My luck is so bad that if I bought a
cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol
------
Money can't buy you happiness... but
it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery
- Spike Milligan
------
What's the use of happiness? It
can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman
------
I am opposed to millionaires... but
it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain
------
Until I was thirteen, I thought my
name was shut up.
- Joe Namath
-----
Youth would be an ideal state if it
came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith
------
I don't feel old. I don't feel
anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
------
We could certainly slow the aging
process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
------
Don't worry about avoiding
temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
------
Maybe it's true that life begins at
fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
-----
The cardiologist's diet: If it
tastes good spit it out.
- Unknown
------
By the time a man is wise enough to
watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
______________________________
Kids
For those with No children - this is
totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age -this is a warning.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas.
Things I've learned from my Children
(honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough
water to fill a 2000sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust
bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder
than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a
ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing
Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to
a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up
when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to
throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even
double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush
and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the
child!)
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox
makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire
with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the
movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through
the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should
not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you
put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J
sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good
parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots
of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know
what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before
you turn it on.. Plastic toys do not like hot ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin,
TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing
machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats
dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body
weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is
wonderful. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what
do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said,
"I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!'"
25. 60% of men who read this will
try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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