Subject: Daily Dose - 060515 - tobogganist, THIS is TRUE, CELL PHONE, DDL,
Rotten News
Two blondes were skiing at Aspen,
when they got into a debate about the best way to ski down a particular hill.
"The best way is down the left
side of the course, where it's nearly all powder," said the first blonde.
"No, the best way is straight
down the middle, where the snow is packed tight," argued the other.
"Look," said the first
blonde. "Let's get another opinion. There's a guy dragging a sled up the
hill. Let's go ask him."
The second blonde agreed, and in a
few minutes the two caught up with the guy.
"Excuse me," said the
first blonde. "I say the best way to ski down this hill is to take the
left side of the course, where it's nearly all powder, and my friend thinks the
best way is straight down the middle, where the snow is packed tight. Can you
tell us who's right?"
"Sorry, ladies," said the
man, "but there's no use in asking me. I'm a tobogganist."
"Oh," said the second
blonde. "Well, in that case, can I get a pack of Marlboros?"
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
MORON OF THE WEEK #612: "He
took clothes and meals," said Washington County, Mo., Sheriff Brian Rahn.
"Whatever he was finding in those refrigerators, he was filling up on
it." He was speaking about a burglar who likes to make himself meals, take
showers, and pick out changes of clothes from homes he breaks into. But they
have a fresh lead on the burglar's identity: he also helps himself to home
computers, where he surfs the Internet and checks his e-mail. On one recent
caper, Rahn said, "He never logged out." Detectives say that helped
them discover his identity, and his arrest is pending. (Milwaukee Journal
Sentinel)
...But it'll take awhile, since the cops are still on dial-up.
***
BAD BOY, BAD BOY, WHATCHA GONNA DO?
Jack Munsey, 36, a Martin County, Fla., sheriff's deputy, has been fired after
an investigation showed he was using his patrol car video system "for
unofficial purposes." Video from Munsey's car camera included zooms of
bikini-clad women, "an extreme close-up of a motorcycle passenger's
breasts," and scores of other "inappropriate" images, the
investigation found. A Police Benevolent Association attorney says the various
shots of multiple women were not a "regular" thing, but "only an
isolated, dumb, stupid and [juvenile] event." (Palm Beach Post)
...The PBA's message: for a citizen, twice is "multiple offense". For
a cop, dozens and dozens is an "isolated event".
***
WARNING -- SMOKING IS DANGEROUS TO
YOUR HEALTH: Mike Hartnett, 36, of Omaha, Neb., had found a firework shell in
his son's closet. He pulled it out to get rid of it when a hot ash fell from
his cigarette and ignited the fuse. He told his son to run, but didn't drop the
device. It exploded, blowing out the window and shredding his hands. "Some
of my fingers were off, some were still hanging," Harnett said. Doctors
considered removing both hands entirely, but a plastic surgeon managed to save
two fingers on each hand. "He saved me," Hartnett said, and
"gave me a fighting chance." And the lesson he learned? "I'd
tell people to soak [fireworks] in water and get rid of them as fast as you
can." (Omaha World-Herald)
...Of the hundreds of thousands of people who will read this story, I'll bet
more than 99 percent will see a far different lesson.
***
GREENER THAN GREEN: "We're
people for whom recycling is no longer enough," says John Perry, founder
of the Compact, about 50 people in the San Francisco, Calif., area, who have
pledged to buy no new products for a full year, not counting food, health and
safety items, and underwear. "We had a little crisis when Matt and Sarah
had to replace their shower curtain liner and we said no," he said.
"But we put the word out and someone found one for them." Whew!
Everything the members will buy for the year will come from thrift shops, yard
sales, and swaps. Perry says fighting consumerism is hard, since he loves to shop.
(San Francisco Chronicle)
...The hardest part: finding used gas for their SUVs.
***
STICKY WICKET: "Bush Takes a
Swing at Cricket in Pakistan" ... "Bush Hit by Bouncer and Fooled by
Googly in Pakistan"
-- Reuters headlines, several hours apart
______________________________
We went to the movie the other
night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little
roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center
of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse
me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was
trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said,
"Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud
whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on
the screen and mine is out in the car."
______________________________
DDL
There was a young lady in white
Whose speed was far faster than light
She went out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned the previous night.
______________________________
"I'm having some trouble with
Mom. I need to keep an eye on her all the time. Here's what is going on. She
stays up late watching the infomercials and now she's raising alpacas in the
backyard."
--Dave Letterman
***
"They have luggage stores in
airports. Who forgets their suitcase? Have you ever seen a guy with an armload
of shirts going, 'Hurray, a suitcase?'"
--Jay Mohr
***
"The whole reason you watch a
TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to
it, I've got my life."
--Jerry Seinfeld
***
"In a remarkable speech over
the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended
that Americans store canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when
bird flu hits. What? This ranks right up there with "duck and cover"
during a nuclear attack. In case of radiation wear a hat."
--Jay Leno
***
"Did you folks see 'The
Sopranos' last night? Fans had to wait two years, two years for a new episode.
Apparently the show's now being produced by FEMA"
--David Letterman
***
"Because of various security
lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the offices of
the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be conducted by the
Department of Irony."
--Amy Poehler
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
NYC the place to be if oil hits
$100/bbl - study
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - If the price
of crude oil ever jumps to $100 (57 pounds) a barrel and sends gasoline costs
soaring, you're better off living in New York City than just about anywhere
else, according to a study released on Friday.
New York tops the list of ten American cities that could survive, at least
economically, if oil roared to $100.
That's the conclusion of the online
healthy living company SustainLane, which looked at which cities could maintain
their quality of life and economy if faced with skyrocketing pump prices. The
price of crude oil accounts for about half the cost of making gasoline.
The 10 U.S. cities that could best
deal with such a crisis are: 1. New York, 2. Boston, 3. San Francisco, 4.
Chicago, 5. Philadelphia, 6. Portland, Oregon, 7. Honolulu, 8. Seattle, 9.
Baltimore and 10. Oakland, Calif.
The company said its survey found
that good public transportation systems were most important to allow people to
commute to jobs and schools and shop if it became too expensive to use cars.
"A solid public transportation
system will get workers to the office and shoppers to the mall, regardless of
the price of oil (and) provide critical insurance against the overt threat of
sky-high oil prices," said Warren Karlenzig, chief strategy officer of
SustainLane.
Other factors affecting living and
economic conditions included a city's access to locally grown food and the
availability of wireless networks for telecommuting.
The survey focussed on expensive oil
and gasoline for transportation, rather than costly energy used for heating.
**********
Romanian Council Faulted for
Strippers
Thu Mar 23, 5:35 PM ET
BUCHAREST, Romania - Municipal
authorities in the southern Romanian town of Giurgiu have come under media
criticism for spending public funds on two parties for female employees which
featured male strippers.
The city spent a total of 42,000 lei
($14,000) on the parties, which were held on March 1, a traditional holiday
symbolizing the arrival of spring, and on March 8, for the International
Woman's Day, national daily Gandul reported.
The paper, which published photos
from the party, reported that the strippers were cheered and some of the women
were photographed, joining in the routine.
The city council voted to approve the
parties last month, saying in its decision that it wanted "to organize a
show with professional artists" to celebrate spring and International
Woman's Day.
**********
Carpool Dummy Sells on eBay for
$15,000
DENVER - A makeshift mannequin that
failed to fool police monitoring the high-occupancy vehicle lane on a highway
has fetched $15,000 in an auction on eBay, with proceeds going to charity, the
buyer announced.
A company called Video Professor
bought the Styrofoam head, coat hanger, and clothing stuffed with newspapers
from carpool-lane scofflaw Greg Pringle, 53, said Brian Olson, a spokesman for
the company. Olson said the computer tutoring company will take Tillie to
various events and later auction her off again for charity in June.
As part of his sentence handed down
earlier this month, Pringle agreed to donate any profits from a Web site —
launched to free "Tillie" after she was impounded by police — and the
auction to a driver safety awareness program.
"We've rescued Tillie from a
life of crime and we hope to rehabilitate her so she can be a contributing
dummy to our society," Olson said Thursday, The Denver Post and Rocky
Mountain News reported.
Pringle also was fined $115 and
ordered to hold a sign alongside the highway for four hours reading: "HOV
lane not for dummies." He was pulled over and ticketed Jan. 26 for driving
in the lane reserved for car pools, motorcycles, buses, and hybrid vehicles.
Pringle has said it cost him $10 to
create Tillie.
*************
Gun-shaped teddy bear crackers ready
to liven up wedding receptions
April 30, 2006
A paint firm here is hoping to add
color to wedding receptions in Japan with a new device it has jointly developed
-- a gun-shaped party cracker that shoots out a teddy bear.
Sunamiya, a paint firm based in
Imabari, Ehime Prefecture, announced the development of the device, which
blasts a teddy bear equipped with a parachute into the air. The teddy bear
parachutes down afterwards.
Developers hit on the idea after
noticing that it had become a trend for people to throw teddy bears into the
air instead of bouquets at wedding receptions.
In addition to paint products,
Sunamiya produces a paintball marker used to fire paintballs at escaping
criminals so they can be identified and captured.
"We're hoping to capture the
hearts of couples," a company representative said, commenting on the new
device.
The crackers will go on sale in May,
and will be marketed to businesses. (Mainichi)