Subject: Daily Dose - 060510 - another collection from George
Today's collection courtesy of
George in Winnipeg...
*******
A little boy and a little girl
attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit
together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken
sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're
not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have
to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and
said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he
said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's
right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken
sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little
girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get
feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he
pulled down his pants for her. She said *"Oh, my God, *it's too late
for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!!!!!!
______________________________
Driver's Licence
A young boy had just gotten his
driver's permit and inquired of his father,an evangelist, if they could discuss
his use of the car. His father said "I'll make a deal with you. You bring
your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your
hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for
a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I've observed
that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the
Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten
your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then
said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in
my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long
hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had
long hair."
To this his father replied,
"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
______________________________
A guy is walking the strip in Las
Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and
eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts
at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars!
For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see
that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a
block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see
that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker,
smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job
that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the
hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A
short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has
just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says,
"I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies,
"$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a
blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over
here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I
own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth
every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of
that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or
so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on
the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he
truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the
retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the
hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over
here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city
of Las Vegas is laid out before us: all those beautiful lights, gambling
palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in
awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies,
"but I would... if I had a pussy.."
______________________________
Testing a Taser
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who
purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at
Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife
Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the
device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing
and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this
new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat
Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
& blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts
and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this
little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a
batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond
description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it
master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran
in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us
both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat
was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to
"mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that
thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like
hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
______________________________
IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6,
AND 12
A man walks into a drug store with
his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly
replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe
sex."
"Oh I see," replied the
boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are
there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for
high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?
"Those are for college men,"
the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy,
"then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye,
the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE
for February, ONE for March....."
______________________________
A few days off
I urgently needed a few days off
work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought
that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few
days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me
what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so
that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came
into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the
office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her"
...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too,
I can't work in the dark!"
_____________________________________
NEW YORK -- In this photo provided
by Hasbro, the latest Star Wars Mr. Potato Head character 'Artoo Potatoo' is
shown for the first time in Hasbro's showroom at the American International Toy
Fair.
Behind 'Artoo Potatoo' are the
previously released characters 'Spud Trooper,' left, and 'Darth Tater,' right.
(02/15/06 AP photo)