Subject: Daily Dose - 060509 - hired hand, BIZARRE NEWS, Doberman pinscher,
DDL, Rotten News
The banker saw his old friend Tom,
an eighty year-old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before
and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a
good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that
it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of
his new bride to be.. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in
November."
Now the banker, being the wise man
that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be
satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years
to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a
hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own
course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and
said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker
ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's
pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage
advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said,
"She's pregnant, too."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Accident Reports
"I was sure that the old fellow
would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him."
"The gentleman behind me struck
me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end
showing."
"The indirect cause of the
accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"I was thrown from my car as it
left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"The telephone pole was
approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front
end."
"I looked both ways before
pulling out but was then hit by a truck coming from the other direction."
"I had my right turn signal on,
but the other car wouldn't get out of the way. So I bumped his fender a little
to get his attention."
"The other car should not have
been parked in my driveway."
"I stopped, but my trailer
wanted to keep going and ended up passing me."
"I was driving in the wrong
lane, but I was there first. The car that ran into me didn't show up until much
later."
"The sign said 'Bridge
Construction,' not 'Bridge ends and will drop your car in the river.'"
"The other car collided with
mine without giving warning of its intention."
[From netscape.com]
***
Americans Know Simpsons, But Not
Their Rights - D'oh!
CHICAGO - U.S. citizens are far more
knowledgeable about the cast of "The Simpsons" television show than
they are about their First Amendment Freedoms, a poll shows.
The McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum
in Chicago found 28 percent of people are able to name more than one of the
five fundamental freedoms granted to them by the First Amendment to the U.S.
Constitution. But 52 percent were able to name at least two members of the
cartoon family.
More jarring is that 22 percent of
those polled can name all five characters -- Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and
Maggie -- but just 1-in-1,000 people surveyed -- 0.01 percent -- were able to
name all five freedoms.
***
Faking Death Becomes Grave Matter In
Court
DES MOINES, Iowa - Here's one way to
get out of paying traffic charges: fake your own death. It almost worked for
Kimberly Du - until she got stopped for speeding after she faked her death in
December!
Someone claiming to be Du's mother
used a pair of forged documents, including a death notice printed on a
newspaper Web site and a letter allegedly signed by her mother, to convince
court officials that Du had died.
However, after she was pulled over,
police discovered that Du's supposed obituary had never run, and a funeral was
never held. Du was arrested and charged with forging her mother's name on a
letter to the court.
***
Hardware Employee Finds Jesus
MANCHESTER, Conn. - It was just
another day at work for Thomas Haley at Hardy's Hardware when something strange
caught his eye: the image of Jesus Christ on a piece of sheet metal.
It shouldn't be a surprise that the
'holy hardware' quickly found its way onto eBay, with Haley and a co-worker
hoping others agree the blurry oil stain resembles the son of God.
"I mean, it hasn't done
anything miraculous as of yet, but seeing it is kind of groovy," said
Haley, 23. "Just seeing it brightens people's day."
Haley and co-worker Jonathan Jackson
have shown the piece to others. They say that several people agreed with their
assessment, though some thought it looked more like Jim Morrison of The Doors.
***
Nipple Pinch Lands Teen In Detention
GOLD HILL, Ore. - A teen found
himself in juvenile detention after he refused to write a letter explaining why
he pinched and twisted another boy's nipple.
David Thumler, 16, already paid a
fine and served three days of community service after being convicted of
offensive physical touching. His refusal to cooperate with the last piece of
the sentence earned him four days in detention.
Executive director of Mediation
Works, Mary Miller, said the letter is supposed to help teens learn to be
accountable for their offenses. "They don't have to apologize," she
said. "But they are required to be accountable."
Thumler said he had no criminal
intent because he considered the victim to be a friend at the time of the
incident.
______________________________
One of our clients brought in his
massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the
patient into the doctor's office.
Before taking this dog's leash, I
glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she
friendly?"
"Friendly?" said the man.
"Friendly? She's had five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she
get?"
______________________________
DDL
A girl on the Enterprise crew,
Refused every offer to screw.
But a Vulcan named Spock
Crawled under her smock,
And now she is eating for two.
______________________________
When his eyes began to give him
trouble, a man went to a Prague ophthalmologist. The doctor showed the patient
the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.
"Can you read that?" the
doctor asked.
"Can I read it?" the Czech
replied. "I dated his sister."
***
"Veni Vedi Vici" - (I
came, I saw, I conquered) - Julius Ceaser
"Veni Vedi Veni" - Hugh
Hefner
"Veni Vedi Vedi" - The
Texas Chainsaw Massacrerer
***
"The Miss America Pageant was
held last night on CMT. The awards were a little different this year. Instead
of a check for $50,000 Miss Oklahoma got flowers and a $200 gift certificate
for Sizzler."
--Jay Leno
***
"We have a new Secretary of the
Interior, his name is Dirk Kempthorne. He's pro industry and pro oil. Today he
opened Mount Rushmore for oil drilling in Lincoln's nose."
--Dave Letterman
***
"A new medical study has found
that clowns in an operating room are beneficial to recovery of young patients.
The reason is that kids think, 'Wow, at least I'm not him.'"
--Conan O'Brien
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Husband On Strike To Get Bedroom
Back
UPDATED: 10:58 am EST March 29, 2006
A frustrated husband is trying to
prove his point to his wife by going on strike, Detroit television station WDIV
reported.
James Wilson of Redford, Mich., has
been spending his days on the roof of his home because he says he wants his
wife, Valentina, to keep their 3-month-old daughter and 2-year-old son out of
the bedroom at night.
Wilson said the children in the
bedroom are causing an intimacy issue, but Valentina said the kids will remain
in the room, WDIV reported. Both Wilsons said they have a very happy marriage,
but this is a problem.
"I want my bedroom back and the
diapers and toys removed immediately," said James Wilson.
Wilson has been visiting his Web
site, where he is reading comments from people who he said agree with him.
For more information, go to
HusbandOnStrike.com.
**********
World's Largest Buffet Celebrates
Alka-Seltzer Anniversary
POSTED: 9:25 am EST March 29, 2006
LAS VEGAS -- Time to raise a glass
of bubbly for Alka-Seltzer.
Bayer is celebrating the 75th
anniversary of its "plop, plop, fizz, fizz" heartburn reliever with
what it says is the world's largest buffet.
About 850 hungry folks showed up for
the 510-dish feast at the Las Vegas Hilton.
Each dish had to be certified by a
Guinness World Record adjudicator who says she didn't taste each one, thus
avoiding the need for Alka-Seltzer herself.
The food items ranged from Mongolian
chicken and salmon Wellington to creme brulee and homemade apple pie.
Because there was no previous
record, Guinness said it set an arbitrary 500-dish minimum.
**********
Uluru hard to find for drunk driver
Wed Mar 29, 1:57 AM ET
CANBERRA (Reuters) - A drunk driver
just 100 metres from Australia's iconic giant monolith once known as Ayers Rock
has stopped police to ask the way to the 345-metre-high (1,100-ft-high) rock.
The headlights of the man's car were actually shining on Uluru, which has a
9.4-km (5.8-mile) circumference, Northern Territory police said.
The 44-year-old man, whose car was
also towing an aluminium boat, has been charged with drink driving and
unlicensed driving.
************
Redneck AC