Subject: Daily Dose - 060508 - new hat, THIS is TRUE, end of your troubles,
earth's population, DDL, Rotten News
This guy spent days looking for his
new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the
back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the
front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat
at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole
sermon and instead of sneaking out he went to talk to the minister.
He said to the minister,
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But
after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you
my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your
heart?"
He responded, "No, it was the
one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left
my hat."
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
MORON OF THE WEEK #611: "Even
the dumb criminals are generally smarter than this," said Orem, Utah,
police Lt. Doug Edwards. He was referring to an unidentified 18-year-old man
who called the police to report that his home had been burgled. Anything
missing? Yes, he said: the quarter-pound of marijuana he had for sale. Police
arrested a suspect and recovered the drugs. And the victim? "He actually
came and identified [the drugs] as his," Edwards said, so they arrested
him, too, on charges of possession of marijuana in a drug-free zone with intent
to distribute. (Deseret Morning News)
...Though it's unlikely prosecutors will be able to prove "intent"
since that implies some sort of thinking ability.
***
NEXT! The police dispatcher in West
Fargo, N.D., thought it was a joke when someone called at 3:15 a.m. and asked
where to buy marijuana. The dispatcher told the woman that marijuana is
illegal, but the woman insisted. Fine, the dispatcher said: they had some in
the evidence locker and if she stopped by, he could "hook her up."
Sure enough, "the dispatcher got on the intercom and said, 'You know what?
She's here. She just handed me $3 for marijuana'," said an amazed officer,
Ken Zeeb. He stepped to the station lobby and arrested Grace Sium, 20, a junior
at North Dakota State University. Zeeb says Sium didn't appear high or drunk,
and didn't seem surprised to be arrested. "This is something that you
couldn't even make up," he said. (Fargo Forum)
...Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense.
***
BEAM HIM UP: Tony Alleyne, 52, had a
special ambition: he redecorated his studio apartment in Hinckley,
Leicestershire, England, to look like the Enterprise from Star Trek. "I
enjoy science fiction interiors," he said. But after completely remodeling
his entire flat during his nine-year mission, he found he couldn't pay for it
all: he spent 30,000 pounds (US$52,350) on the decorations, plus 100,000 pounds
more trying to market his interior design services to others. An attempt to
sell his apartment to pay off his debts failed, and Alleyne has declared
bankruptcy, admitting it was "pretty daft" to finance his dream with
credit cards. (London Times)
...On the other hand, his design has one major improvement over the TV version:
it has a bathroom.
***
AN ARMY OF ONE: U.S. Army 1st Lt.
William "Eddie" Rebrook IV, 25, was one of the lucky soldiers in
Iraq: he had personal body armor. It saved his life when a roadside bomb blew
up, but the bomb still ripped up his arm and severed an artery. Helicopter
evacuation saved his life, but "I last saw the [body armor] when it was
pulled off my bleeding body" before being flown out, he said. Because it
was so bloody, it was apparently burned as a biohazard. But in the rush to save
his life no one filled out the form to document that, and when he was medically
discharged from the Army against his will, he was told he had to return the
body -- or pay $700 for it. Paperwork to declare it lost or destroyed could
take "weeks or months" to process, he was told, and that would delay
his discharge, so he borrowed money from buddies and went home to West
Virginia. "I had to pay for it if I wanted to get on with my life,"
he said. Rebrook, who graduated with honors from West Point, hopes to go back
to school and become a doctor. (Charleston Gazette) ...I like the guy, so I
don't want to see the look on his face when he finds out that the medical
business has just as much paperwork.
***
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET THE
NEW GUY HANDLE IT: "H&R Block Fumbles on Its Own Tax Return"
-- New York Times headline
______________________________
"Son, I just know you'll do the
right thing by this little girl," said the preacher. "You just marry
her, and you'll be at the end of your troubles."
So he did the right thing, and he
married the girl, and about six months later when he saw the preacher again he
tried to murder him.
"You miserable liar!"
shouted the young man. "You told me if I married her, I would be at the
end of my troubles. Well, I married her, and she has made my life
miserable."
"That may be true, son, but you
can't blame me," replied the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of
your troubles, but I never said which end."
______________________________
From Phillip M Harter, MD, Stanford
University, School of Medicine:
"If we could shrink the earth's
population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human
ratios remaining the same, here's what you would have:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere (both north and south)
8 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth, and all 6 would be
from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer."
______________________________
DDL
"My mind," cried the
astronaut, "whirled
While joy currents eddied and swirled!
There was great copulation
At that stellar space station!
It was sex that was out of this world!"
______________________________
Driving along I-90, just west of
Chicago, I passed a sign posted by the police department: "Report drivers
using a cell phone. Call *99."
***
"I grew up Catholic, but I
hated nuns. When I was a little girl, I used to dress my Barbie in a nun's
habit so she could beat the hell out of Skipper and not get in trouble for
it."
--Brynn Harris
***
A bar in NYC is installing a
breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you're really,
really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriends.
***
Sing to the tune of the Beverly
Hillbillies
Come and listen to a story about a
man named Dick,
A poor marksman with glasses kinda thick,
Then one day he was shooting at some quail,
When up popped a lawyer and let out a wail!
Attorney that is.
Buckshot barrister;
Texas Toast.
Well next thing you know
Ol' Dick's the butt of jokes,
Got folks rolling
And laughing coast-to-coast
An undisclosed location
Is the place you ought to be
Anywhere but standing
In front of Dick Cheney.
V. P., that is,
Hunting fool,
Shotgun scars.
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Student Gets Reimbursed For Bomb
Scare Involving Fla. Band
POSTED: 7:47 am EST March 31, 2006
ATHENS, Ohio -- Ohio University will
reimburse a graduate student whose bicycle was destroyed in a bomb scare
prompted by a sticker on the bike that read "this bike is a pipe
bomb," a university attorney said.
Authorities later figured out the
phrase on the sticker was the name of the punk rock band This Bike is a Pipe
Bomb from Pensacola, Fla. The sticker on Patrick Hanlin's bike, which was
chained outside a campus restaurant, led authorities to shut down four
buildings, block off streets and summon a bomb squad from Columbus on March 5.
The bomb experts destroyed the bike to find no bomb inside.
The replacement cost of the
7-year-old Cannondale T700 touring bike is between $800 and $1,300, said
Nicolette Dioguardi, the university's associate director of legal affairs.
A charge of inducing panic was filed
against Hanlin, of Three Rivers, Mich., following the scare, but it was later
dropped.
**********
Philly Plumbers Upset by Waterless
Urinals
By DEBORAH YAO, Associated Press
Writer
Thu Mar 30, 9:10 PM ET
PHILADELPHIA - This city's hoped-for
bragging rights as home of America's tallest environmentally friendly building
could go down the toilet.
In a city where organized labor is a force to be reckoned with, the plumbers
union has been raising a stink about a developer's plans to install 116
waterless, no-flush urinals in what will be Philadelphia's biggest skyscraper.
Developer Liberty Property Trust
says the urinals would save 1.6 million gallons of water a year at the 57-story
Comcast Center, expected to open next year. But the union put out the word it
doesn't like the idea of waterless urinals — fewer pipes mean less work.
The mayor's office has stepped in to
try to save the urinals, which use a cartridge at the base to trap odors and
sediment as waste passes through.
It is telling the plumbers that the
city's building boom will provide plenty of work for them and that even
waterless urinal systems need some plumbing connections, said Stephanie
Naidoff, city commerce director.
Waterless urinals were introduced in
the early 1990s. Thousands are in use around the country, including such places
as the San Diego Zoo, Walt Disney World and the Rose Bowl.
**********
Take bribes but be fair, Nigerian
referees told
LAGOS (Reuters) - Football referees
in Nigeria can take bribes from clubs but should not allow them to influence
their decisions on the pitch, a football official said on Friday.
Fanny Amun, acting Secretary-General of the Nigerian Football Association, said
bribery was common in the Nigerian game.
"We know match officials are
offered money or anything to influence matches and they can accept it,"
Amun told Reuters on Friday.
Amun first made the statement
earlier in the week to a football seminar in the capital Abuja, prompting
protests from other officials.
"Referees should only pretend
to fall for the bait, but make sure the result doesn't favour those offering
the bribe," Amun said.
At the seminar, Nigerian football
league chairman Oyuiki Obaseki reprimanded referees for poor quality match
reports, saying that bribery was to blame.
"The quality of your reports
have not done our league any good, so please desist from corrupt
practices," he told delegates.
Despite a high-profile campaign to
stamp out graft in the impoverished African country, Nigeria consistently ranks
among the most corrupt countries in the world -- and football is no exception.
**************
Red Neck Roof Rack