Subject: Daily Dose - 060507 - Early Treatment, BIZARRE NEWS, faithful dead, I'm home, DDL, Rotten News

Early Treatment

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."  The doctor writes up a prescription for Viagra and hands it to the geezer.

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've come three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Woman Slips Out of Boyfriend's Reach

HARRISBURG, Pa. - A woman was sitting on the ledge of a 23rd-floor apartment when she decided she wanted to touch her feet to a window one story below. Little did she know that would be the last decision she would ever make.

The woman, 23-year-old Rachel Kozlusky, asked her boyfriend Kevin Eckenrode to help her reach the lower window.

"He grabbed (her) under the armpits from behind with his hands and lowered her to the window below," police Detective Donald Heffner wrote in the court papers. "During this time she slipped out of his hands and fell to her death."

Not surprisingly, the pair had been drinking before the incident Saturday evening.

Eckenrode has been charged with homicide and was being held without bail Tuesday morning.

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Museum Officials Find Themselves In Sticky Situation

DETROIT - Officials at the Detroit Institute of Arts have learned the hard way that 12-year-olds, chewing gum and expensive, rare artworks don't mix.

Conservators are debating the best way to remove a chemical stain caused a wad of Wrigley's Extra Polar Ice gum stuck on the corner of "The Bay," a 1963 abstract painting by artist Helen Frankenthaler worth about $1.5 million.

The gum was found on the painting Friday after a class of seventh-graders toured a gallery, the Detroit Free Press reported. The Institute prohibits eating, drinking, running, smoking and touching the art.

The 12-year-old boy, who was suspended from school, admitted sticking his gum on the landmark modernist painting, but it was lightly chewed and easily removed, leaving a chemical residue about the size of a quarter.

Curators think the right solvent can remove the stain without permanent damage.

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Mr. Becomes A Miss; Still Has Teaching Job

NEWARK, N.J. - A 70-year-old substitute teacher who was once a man and is now a woman has won her right to keep her job in rural New Jersey.

Six years ago, 65-year-old William McBeth began teaching at Eagleswood Township schools for five years, and then underwent the sex change procedure to become Lilly McBeth. She reapplied for her old job back, and the school board voted 4-1 in favor.

But there was an outcry from some parents in the town of 1,600 people. At a public meeting Monday night in the school auditorium, McBeth answered questions and said she would never talk to children about sexuality at school, the Newark Star-Ledger reported.

"Children are wide open to change. It's the fear in the parents, not in the children," she said. "Am I a threat? Hardly."

After the meeting, school board attorney Paul Carr told reporters the board was unmoved by the opposition.

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Cheaters Never Win - Even In Drug Tests

MCKEESPORT, Pa. - What at first appeared to be a horrifying act of self-mutilation at a Pennsylvania convenience store turned out to have been an attempt to foil a drug test.

The incident at a GetGo in McKeesport began when a couple entered the store. The man went into the restroom and emerged soon after with something wrapped in a napkin, which he asked the clerk to heat in the microwave. The object began giving off a foul odor and, as the clerk opened it, she saw something that looked like a penis. The couple grabbed the object and hurried away as she called police.

Police now say that the object was a fake used to cheat in urine tests.

The man allegedly went into the men's room to fill it with his own urine and then asked to have it heated so it would be body temperature when the urine was given up for analysis.

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At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead...

As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

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Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"

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DDL

There once was a versatile whore,
As expert behind as before.
For a quid you could view her,
And bugger and screw her,
As she stood on her head on the floor.

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On Mother-In-Laws

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law.

Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now? She's fine.  But, the dog died.

Hello.  Your mother-in-law fell into my pool with crocodiles.  The crocodiles are yours, so you save them.

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"He's the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you."
--Adam Christing

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"You wouldn't be intelligent enough to understand anything that I would be stupid enough to tell you anyways."
--Bill Merrill

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"Al Sharpton is getting his own show on CBS. I believe it's called "The Amazing Race Card."
--Jay Leno

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Rotten News....  (true)

Americans Are Getting Ruder, Poll Shows

POSTED: 7:13 am EDT October 14, 2005

WASHINGTON -- A new poll suggests Americans may be getting ruder.

Nearly 70 percent of those questioned in The Associated Press-Ipsos poll think Americans are more rude than they were 20 or 30 years ago. And most people think parents are to blame for not teaching good manners to their children.

The worst offenses in the eyes of many involve road rage and using cell phones in public.

Still, most don't see themselves as offenders. More than 60 percent deny they themselves uttered profanity in public in the last few months. And more than 90 percent say they don't use cell phones in a "loud or annoying manner."

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Ohio Police Arrest Woman For $1 In Unpaid Taxes

POSTED: 9:59 am EDT October 13, 2005

LOVELAND, Ohio -- An Ohio woman was arrested after she didn't pay just more than $1 that she owed in income taxes, WLWT-TV in Cincinnati reported.

Deborah Combs owed the city of Loveland $1.16 last year, but she also hadn't filed her city income tax forms in five years, the television station said. She said officers pulled her over and acted as though she were a violent criminal.

"One sheriff approached my car with his hand on his gun," she said. "Another from the other side of the car leaned in and said, 'Are you Deborah Combs?' He said, 'We have a warrant for your arrest.' I was absolutely shocked."

Combs said she thinks the arrest and charges are over-the-top for the amount she owed.

"What they've spent in stamps is more than what I owe," she said.

She could also end up paying hundreds of dollars in fines for the unfiled tax forms, the television station reported.

Loveland City Manager Fred Enderle said the amount Combs owes isn't the real issue.

"Whether it's $1 they owe us or $1,000, it's not fair to the rest of the public to not pursue that person," he said. "There is some expense involved, but it goes back to the principle. We have laws. The laws have to be complied with. At what cost do you stop enforcing the law?"

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Another Urban Outfitters Controversy -  T-shirt Makes Fun of Mexico

July 22, 2005 — The Anti-Defamation League has asked Urban Outfitters to stop selling a T-shirt that reads, "New Mexico, Cleaner than Regular Mexico."

"This is saying that the country of Mexico is a dirty place," said Barry Morrison, regional director of the civil rights group. "Dirty can be interpreted figuratively and literally."

The group wants the Philadelphia-based retailer to stop selling the shirt and get rid of all its inventory.

Urban Outfitters did not immediately return phone calls for comment Friday.

The retailer, which targets 18- to 30-year-old shoppers, has run into controversy before.

Two years ago, it was forced to stop selling a game called "Ghettopoly" after protests by black civil rights leaders. Last year, it halted sales of a T-shirt that read "Everyone Loves A Jewish Girl," surrounded by dollar signs, after the Anti-Defamation League voiced its objections.

Also, a "Voting is for Old People" T-shirt brought the ire of pro-voting groups.

Negative publicity over some of its products hasn't slowed down sales and profits at the company, which operates 77 Urban Outfitters stores in the United States, Canada, Ireland and the United Kingdom.

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Just Plain  Weird