Subject: Daily Dose - 060503 - Bullshit issue from the Onion

Today's collection from "The Onion"...

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Cases Of Glitter Lung On The Rise Among Elementary-School Art Teachers

CHICAGO—The Occupational Safety And Health Administration released figures Monday indicating that record numbers of elementary-school art teachers are falling victim to pneumosparklyosis, commonly known as glitter lung.

Nearly 8,000 cases were reported in 2004, the most recent year for which statistics are available. This is the highest number since the arts-and-crafts industry was deregulated in 1988.

Characterized by a lack of creative energy and shortness of breath, and accompanied by sneezing or coughing up flakes of twinkly, reflective matter, glitter lung typically strikes teachers between the ages of 29 to 60 who spend 20 hours per week in an art-class setting during the school year.

"When art teachers spend so much time in confined quarters with inadequate ventilation amid swirling clouds of glitter, it's only a matter of time before their lungs start to suffer negative effects," said Dr. Linda Norr, a specialist in elementary-school-related respiratory diseases. "Those sufferers who are not put on a rigorous program of treatment often spend their last days on respirators, hacking up a thick, dazzling mucus."

As incidences of glitter lung continue to rise, critics are accusing public schools of not doing enough to protect art teachers.

Former art teacher Miles Winfield, who recently testified before a House subcommittee on unsafe working conditions, said that, as his symptoms worsened, his principal looked the other way, fearing defamation lawsuits from the powerful glitter industry.

"Most art teachers are afraid to come forward, for fear of losing their jobs," Winfield said. "At an absolute minimum, an art teacher should be equipped with a respirator, thick goggles, and a reflective-field smock. But schools don't want to stand up to Big Glitter, which continues to insist that this stuff is safe. Schools end up falsifying the safety reports and hoping they get away with it. And they usually do."

Until heavier, less toxic forms of glitter are developed, physicians recommend using alternative media to enhance children's artwork.

"Cheerios, cotton balls, and popsicle sticks are considered very safe," Norr said. "Avoid colored string, however, because some studies show that it could be high in yarncinogens. And if glitter is absolutely essential to the craft project, try using a glitter pen, as the particles are less likely to become airborne."

The medical community has been slow to recognize glitter lung as a public health threat. A 1993 epidemic of sequin fibrosis, which primarily affected dancers in the Las Vegas, NV area, was seen as an isolated case. Now, however, the disease is being re-evaluated, and many doctors believe it may be the most serious occupational health hazard to hit educators since the outbreak of gold-star syndrome in the 1960s.

Epidemiologists note that the increase in glitter-lung cases is occurring simultaneously with a general rise in other classroom-related diseases. Macaroni elbow, modeling clay palsy, crayon flu, and googly-eye are sidelining thousands of teachers each year.

But despite growing medical alarm, efforts to provide adequate safety measures and health care continue to be hampered by bureaucratic red, blue, green, and yellow tape.

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'Employees Must Wash Hands' Signs Top Iraqi Hospital Wish List

December 7, 2005

MAHMOUDIYA, IRAQ—As the tumultuous process of reconstruction continues throughout Iraq, health-care workers are still lacking the basic necessities.

"Before anything else at all, we need a supply of new, bilingual 'Employees Must Wash Hands' signs," said Youssef Al-Obaidi, director of Mahmoudiya Hospital. "We appreciate the bedding, laundry-sanitization equipment, window glass, penicillin, needles, wall-repair materials, and so on, but without clean hands, none of these mean anything."

Al-Obaidi said the importance of hand-washing could not, unlike doctors and nurses, be overstressed.

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MPAA Unveils Rating System Based On Old Testament

February 1, 2006

LOS ANGELES—Working with evangelical Christian organizations such as Focus on the Family, the Motion Picture Association of America has developed a movie-rating system based on the laws of the Old Testament.

"There was some concern that our existing system was neither strict nor specific enought," MPAA President Dan Glickman said. "Hence, such improved ratings as B-M21 [Blasphemy Only To Be Viewed By Males Over 21] for Finding Nemo, as it was only given to Adam to name the animals."

The new ratings system will be instituted around Easter, at which time all producers of movies formerly rated NC-17 will be burned at the stake, their fields sown with salt, and their names cursed unto the ninth generation.

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Scalia Goes On Abortion Bender After Being Passed Over For Chief Justice

September 21, 2005

NORFOLK, VA—Saying "Fuck this shit, I'm stopping beating hearts with my bare hands," Justice Antonin Scalia, overlooked for the vacated position of Supreme Court chief justice, went on a spiteful abortion-performing bender over the weekend.

"If I'm not going to be permitted a lasting judicial legacy, to hell with law and order," said Scalia, the conservative Reagan appointee who has served on the court since 1986. "I worked my ass off for 20 years, and no one cares. So, who gives a shit? Safe, legal abortions for all. Who wants one?"

Scalia added that 2000 presidential candidate Al Gore "totally won that election, any idiot knows that."

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Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom

December 7, 2005

WASHINGTON, DC—Telephone logs recorded by the National Security Agency and obtained by Congress as part of an ongoing investigation suggest that the vice president may have used the Oval Office intercom system to address President Bush at crucial moments, giving categorical directives in a voice the president believed to be that of God.

While journalists and presidential historians had long noted Bush's deep faith and Cheney's powerful influence in the White House, few had drawn a direct correlation between the two until Tuesday, when transcripts of meetings that took place in March and April of 2002 became available.

In a transcript of an intercom exchange recorded in March 2002, a voice positively identified as the vice president's identifies himself as "the Lord thy God" and promotes the invasion of Iraq, as well as the use of torture in prisoner interrogations.

A close examination of Bush's public statements and Secret Service time logs tracking the vice president reveals a consistent pattern, one which links Bush's belief that he had received word from God with Cheney's use of the White House's telephone-based intercom system.

Officials privately acknowledged that there is reason to believe that the vice president, as God, urged Bush to sign legislation benefiting oil companies in 2005.

"There's a lot of religious zeal in the West Wing," said a former White House staffer who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "It's possible that the vice president has taken advantage of that to fast-track certain administration objectives."

A highly placed NSA official who has reviewed the information released Tuesday said Cheney masked his clipped monotone, employing a deeper, booming voice.

For many, the revelation explains Bush's confusion in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

"I was very surprised by the president's slow response in New Orleans," political commentator Bill Kristol said. "The president told me that he was praying every day in his office, but had received no reply. I had no idea what he meant, but of course, it all makes sense now."

At the time of Katrina, Cheney was on a fly-fishing trip, from which he returned on Sept. 1.

According to highly placed White House sources, Bush's senior advisers are trying to shield the president from the news. Aides are concerned that too harsh an awakening might shake Bush's faith, which has been a central part of his life for nearly 20 years.

"It's hard to tell the leader of the free world that he has been the butt of an elaborate and long-term ruse," a former staffer said. "Maybe it would be easier to take if it came from Cheney's God voice."

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Bolivia Joins DOPEC

October 26, 2005

LA PAZ, BOLIVIA—The South American nation of Bolivia was inducted into the Development Organization of Powder-Exporting Countries Monday.

"As the world's third-largest producer of coca, we are pleased to join Colombia, Peru, Mexico, and other proud nations in economic partnership," said Sonia Atala, Bolivia's minister of opiates. "Only by working together can we assure ourselves of continued expansion into foreign markets."

The move was opposed by the U.S., DOPEC's largest customer, on the grounds that further price increases and supply restriction would create long lines at dealerships.

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New Custard Could Cause Worldwide Flandemic

November 2, 2005

ATLANTA—A recently discovered strain of custard could cause a worldwide flandemic, Centers For Dessert Control warned Monday.

"We are warning people who come into contact with milk, egg yolks, sugar, and whole vanilla beans that they are at risk of concocting this custard," CDC director Paul Liddleston said. "All reports indicate that it is extremely non-resistible."

Liddleston said the government's present reserve of dried tapioca is "useless" in combating a flandemic, and until a more effective vaccine is created, "the proof will be in the putting of containment teams in high-risk areas."

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