Subject: Daily Dose - 060501 - three martinis, THIS is TRUE, qualms, DDL,
Rotten News
Two guys are riding to work on the
bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married,
looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife
like that."
The other, a single guy, says,
"Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."
The same two guys are riding the bus
to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you
get to do it to your wife doggie style?"
The married guy replies, "Yes,
but it took SIX martinis."
The single guy exclaims, "SIX
martinis! How come so many?"
The husband replies, "Hell, it
took three just to get her out on the lawn."
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
MORON OF THE WEEK #610: A customer
in line at a Dairy Queen in St. Louis, Mo., dropped her purse. It exploded,
sending black sequins into the air; customers could smell gunpowder. No one
said a word until she cried out "I ain't got no gun!", grabbed her
shredded purse, and ran. The store manager wrote down her license number and called
police. Investigators say that indeed it was a gun: a low-quality one that
discharged when it hit the floor. The license led to an unidentified woman who,
police say, was an off-duty police officer. The cop first denied that she was
in the restaurant, then claimed she ran because she was "under fire,"
and then finally admitted that the gun discharged in her purse, but she had
thrown it out her car window along the freeway because she might be "in
trouble." She resigned from the police department. (St. Louis
Post-Dispatch)
...Total recommended prison time: 30 days for careless handling of a firearm,
90 days for fleeing the scene of an accident, 1 year for bringing disrepute to
the police department, 5 years for making false statements in a police investigation,
10 years for ditching the gun unsafely, and 15 years for using bad grammar in
public.
***
IT PAYS TO ADVERTISE: Tyrone Burgo,
20, was arrested in Boston, Mass., for allegedly selling drugs. Police say it
wasn't that he was driving a car with a license plate from another car that led
to his arrest, nor that he was driving with a suspended license. Rather, they
were led to Burgo because he had advertised his cocaine on the Internet,
listing his real phone number. Officers called, set up a meeting, and arrested
him after he handed over the drugs. (Boston Globe, AP)
...Too bad he didn't try to figure out what "BPD Det Bureau" was on
his Caller-ID before he agreed to the deal.
***
ON A (CHICKEN) WING AND A PRAYER: A
group of 60 ministers protested plans to open a Hooters restaurant in Waco,
Texas. It went in anyway, and on opening day Monsignor Isidore Rozycki, the
head Roman Catholic priest for the area, was there to say a blessing.
"Blessings are part of the Catholic tradition," Rozycki said, noting
he had eaten at other Hooters outlets. He noted the restaurants in the chain
are "a place of laughter" with "great food." Fr. Rozycki
got the gig by invitation: a police detective suggested it to the restaurant
managers, and they liked the idea. Rozycki felt it was important to bless the
"families that enter" as well as the employees who work there to
support their families, but many area Catholics are outraged that the
63-year-old priest would dare enter the restaurant. (Waco Tribune)
...Yet the moment someone spots an apparition of the Virgin Mary in a steamed
clam, they'll all flock to the place.
***
DO THE BUMP: With the spread of bird
flu and other contagious diseases, more and more people are refusing to shake
hands with others. The World Health Organization thus suggests people switch to
the "elbow bump" in case of a flu epidemic. But Dr. Harvey V.
Fineberg of the National Academy of Sciences' Institute of Medicine says the
timing of encouraging people to do the bump is critical: start too early and
people would give up too early. Start too late and, well, it's too late.
"What would backfire would be for you to say, 'Start bumping elbows now.'
People would look at you as if you were from Mars."(New York Times)
...Who cares what people like that think? They'll be dead soon anyway.
***
THOSE DANGED MARTIANS WILL STOP AT
NOTHING: "NASA's Inspector General Probed"
-- Washington Post headline
______________________________
The district attorney was
cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.
"And so after you had poisoned
the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal
dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him
knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?"
"Yes," she answered.
"Come to think of it...there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry
for him."
"And, when was that?"
"When he asked for the second
cup."
______________________________
DDL
While Mabel lay prone 'neath the
willow,
She was screwed by a large armadillo,
And remarked to the same,
As the two of them came,
That the next time he should bring a pillow.
______________________________
"My vision is to make the most
diverse state on earth, and we have people from every planet on the earth in
this state. We have the sons and daughters of every, of people from every
planet, of every country on earth."
--Former California Gov. Gray Davis, during the recall campaign.
***
"You know you're getting old
when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow THIS
out.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
***
"A graduate student in Michigan
announced that after eight years of searching, his computer has discovered the
longest prime number in history. Not surprisingly, the student has yet to
discover a girl's phone number."
--Conan O'Brien
***
Pimps have it all together. They do
real well with women. You never see two pimps at a party and one pimp saying,
"Go over there and talk to her, I think she likes you."
--Chris Rock
***
did ya hear that there is a sequal
to Brokeback Mountain coming out? It's set in Dodge City and it's called
BunSmoke.
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
October 20, 2005
'I Will Eat Your Dollars'
By Robyn Dixon, Times Staff Writer
FESTAC, Nigeria — As patient as
fishermen, the young men toil day and night, trawling for replies to the
e-mails they shoot to strangers half a world away.
Most recipients hit delete, delete,
delete, delete without ever opening the messages that urge them to claim the
untold riches of a long-lost deceased second cousin, and the messages that
offer millions of dollars to help smuggle loot stolen by a corrupt Nigerian
official into a U.S. account.
But the few who actually reply make
this a tempting and lucrative business for the boys of Festac, a neighborhood
of Lagos at the center of the cyber-scam universe. The targets are called
maghas — scammer slang from a Yoruba word meaning fool, and refers to gullible
white people.
Samuel is 19, handsome, bright,
well-dressed and ambitious. He has a special flair for computers. Until he quit
the game last year, he was one of Festac's best-known cyber-scam champions.
Like nearly everyone here, he is
desperate to escape the run-down, teeming streets, the grimy buildings, the
broken refrigerators stacked outside, the strings of wet washing. It's the kind
of place where plainclothes police prowl the streets extorting bribes, where
mobs burn thieves to death for stealing a cellphone, and where some people
paint "This House Is Not For Sale" in big letters on their homes, in
case someone posing as the owner tries to put it on the market.
It is where places like the Net Express
cyber cafe thrive.
The atmosphere of silent
concentration inside the cafe is absolute, strangely reminiscent of a
university library before exams. Except, that is, for the odd guffaw or cheer.
The doors are locked from 10:30 p.m. until 7 a.m., so the cyber thieves can
work in peace without fear of armed intruders.
In this sanctum, Samuel says, he
extracted thousands of American e-mail addresses, sent off thousands of
fraudulent letters, and waited for replies. He thinks disclosure of his surname
could endanger his safety.
The e-mail scammers here prefer
hitting Americans, whom they see as rich and easy to fool. They rationalize the
crime by telling themselves there are no real victims: Maghas are avaricious
and complicit. To them, the scams, called 419 after the Nigerian statute
against fraud, are a game.
Their anthem, "I Go Chop Your
Dollars," hugely popular in Lagos, hit the airwaves a few months ago as a
CD penned by an artist called Osofia:
"419 is just a game, you are
the losers, we are the winners.
White people are greedy, I can say they are greedy
White men, I will eat your dollars, will take your money and disappear.
419 is just a game, we are the masters, you are the losers."
"Nobody feels sorry for the
victims," Samuel said.
Scammers, he said, "have the
belief that white men are stupid and greedy. They say the American guy has a
good life. There's this belief that for every dollar they lose, the American
government will pay them back in some way."
What makes the scams so tempting for
the targets is that they promise a tantalizing escape from the mundane
disappointments of life. The scams offer fabulous riches or the love of your
life, but first the magha has to send a series of escalating fees and payments.
In a dating scam, for instance, the fraudsters send pictures taken from
modeling websites.
"Is the girl in these pictures
really you?? I just can't get over your beauty!!!! I can't believe my
luck!!!!!!!" one hapless American wrote recently to a scammer seeking
$1,200.
The scammer replied, "Would you
send the money this week so I may buy a ticket?"
**********
Car Ticketed With Dead Body at the
Wheel
Fri Oct 21, 7:43 PM ET
SYDNEY, Australia - A traffic warden
slapped a parking ticket on a car which had its dead driver slumped at the
wheel outside an Australian shopping mall, an official said Friday.
The body of the 71-year-old man,
whose identity was not immediately released, was discovered Thursday in a
parking lot in the southern city of Melbourne, The Age newspaper reported
Friday. The man had been reported missing nine days earlier and was known to be
seriously ill, the newspaper said.
Nevertheless, a parking officer who
inspected the vehicle failed to notice the man inside and issued the parking
fine two days before his body was discovered.
Paul Denham, the mayor of Maroondah
council, where the man was found, said the parking officer was
"distressed" to learn that the dead man had been inside the car.
"Our local laws officer checked
and wrote out the ticket at the rear of the vehicle and placed the ticket from
the passenger side on the windscreen," Denham said in a statement.
"The local laws officer did not notice anything unusual regarding the
vehicle, and is extremely distressed to have learned of the situation."
**********
'Raging Granny' Gets Marine
Recruitment Letter
Thu Oct 20, 5:18 PM ET
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - Sally-Alice
Thompson had to laugh when she got a letter from the Marine Corps' commanding
general, telling her the military "is in need of your service" and
inviting her to find out more by sending in an enclosed card.
"What else could I do? I mean,
I'm 82 years old," Thompson said.
Not only that, Thompson is a
well-known local peace activist who is a charter member of the Center for Peace
& Justice in Albuquerque and belongs to Veterans for Peace and Raging
Grannies. So instead of sending in the card, she plans to visit the Marine
recruiting center with other Raging Grannies, which Thompson describes as "a
group of women unhappy about wars of aggression and about nuclear
armaments."
The letter from Brig. Gen. Walter E.
Gaskin told Thompson that "now is the time to put your unique language
skills to the test as a member of the U.S. Marine Corps. Your command of the
Arabic language will be invaluable among the elite few."
Thompson, who said she knows two
words of Arabic, said she has no idea why she got the letter. But she's heard
similar stories.
"A number of older women have
been getting these letters," she said. "So I think someone is pulling
the Marines' leg."
***********
Acupuncture Model....