Subject: Daily Dose - 060430 - K-9, BIZARRE NEWS, receptionist, DDL, Rotten News

Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties!  We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder.  Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Warning Labels

"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." - Found on an electric rotary tool.

"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." - Found on a can of underarm deoderant.

"Do not drive with sunshield in place." - Found on a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."  - Found on a package of airline peanuts.

"Not intended for highway use." - Found on a 13-inch wheel for a wheelbarrow.

"Kills all kinds of insects. Warning: This spray is harmful to bees." - Found on a can of insecticide.

"WARNING: Contents flammable." - Found on a container of lighter fluid.

"Do not use orally." - Found on a toilet-bowl cleaning brush.

"Please keep out of children." - Found on a butcher knife.

"Warning: Do not use on eyes." - Found in the manual for a heated seat cushion.

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The Only Thing Getting a Work Out Was Their Wallets

PENSACOLA, Fla. - A middle school gym teacher found a quick way to make a buck: he let children get out of gym class if they paid him a dollar a day.

Terence Braxton, 28, collected perhaps thousands of dollars in his scheme, said officials Thursday. Braxton took the payoffs between September and December, but resigned after the principal learned of the bribe from a parent.

He's being charged with taking about $230 from six students, but sheriff's spokesman Mike Ward said the teacher's gain was probably much more.

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Well, It Seems Pretty Offensive To Me

BATTLE CREEK, Mich. - Even though he sexually abused a sheep, Jeffrey S. Haynes doesn't think he should have to register as a sex offender.

Haynes said that the state registery is meant to keep track of people who have committed crimes against humans. But Tamara Towns, an assistant prosecutor for the county, argues that he should be registered as a sex offender because once out of prison, he could prey on children or weak adults.

"The prosecutor is being real hard on me for what I did," Haynes said. "But I should not be treated as a child molester."

According to police, Haynes was caught having sex with a sheep on the property of the animal's owner. The sheep was found injured.

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Russian Airplane Adds Passenger In Midair

YAKUTSK, Russia - The crew of a Russian airplane had to act as midwives Thursday when a passenger suddenly went into labor, the Interfax news agency reported.

The Yakutia airlines jet was three hours into a flight from Moscow to the eastern Siberian city of Yakutsk when a 24-year-old woman complained of abdominal pains, an airline official said. A physician among the passengers examined the woman and concluded that she was in premature labor. Following his advice, the pilot decided to land the plane at the nearest town, Mirny.

But the labor progressed quickly, and flight attendants were called to assist the woman. Thirty minutes before landing, a newborn girl passenger appeared on board the plane.

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During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments.

One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?"

Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors."

"Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door.

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DDL

A fellow once met a young whore,
Who wore nothing behind or before.
He looked at her well,
Said, "Whatever you sell,
I must say I like the decor."

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Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar?
A: Not even the pool table has balls.

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"A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.'"
- Steven Wright

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"I'm not making this up. In Switzerland a company is marketing a beer directed at gay people. If you drink too much, you're pulled over by a cop, a construction worker, an Indian, and a cowboy. It comes in a bottle although most guys like it in the can."
--Jay Leno

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"Jose Canseco says that he introduced steroids to baseball and personally injected Jason Giambi in the butt. He also went on to say that he gave him steroids."
--Conan O'Brien

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Q: What's the difference between Karate and Judo?

A: Karate is a method of self-defense, and Judo is what bagels are made of.

***

Elton John has filed for divorce. He found out his husband was having sex behind his back.

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Rotten News....  (true)

October 26, 2005 

New Zealand party appoints spokesman for 'political correctness eradication'

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) - The leader of New Zealand's opposition National Party announced Wednesday the creation of a new position in his shadow cabinet: an official spokesman for "political correctness eradication."

National leader Don Brash, who campaigned in last month's elections on a pledge to scrap a number of special privileges for the country's indigenous Maori, appointed fellow member of Parliament Wayne Mapp to the position, which he told journalists was his "own invention."

Brash said his party, which was narrowly defeated in September elections, would attempt to push reforms through Parliament to "deal with some aspects of political correctness," the New Zealand Press Association reported. It did not elaborate.

Acting Prime Minister Michael Cullen said Mapp's appointment had a slightly "fascist" ring to it.

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Rome bans goldfish bowls seen as cruel

Tue Oct 25,12:28 PM ET

ROME (Reuters) - The city of Rome has banned goldfish bowls, which animal rights activists say are cruel, and has made regular dog-walks mandatory in the Italian capital, the town's council said on Tuesday.

The classic spherical fish bowls are banned under a new by-law which also stops fish or other animals being given away as fairground prizes. It comes after a national law was passed to allow jail sentences for people who abandon cats or dogs.

"It's good to do whatever we can for our animals who in exchange for a little love fill our existence with their attention," said Monica Cirinna, the councillor behind the by-law.

The newspaper reported that round bowls caused fish to go blind. No one at Rome council was available to confirm this was why they were banned. Many fish experts say round bowls provide insufficient oxygen for fish.

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Turkish court fines 20 for using letters W and Q

Tue Oct 25, 8:15 AM ET

DIYARBAKIR, Turkey (Reuters) - A Turkish court fined 20 people for using the letters Q and W on placards at a Kurdish new year celebration, under a law banning characters not used in the Turkish alphabet, rights campaigners said on Tuesday.

The court in the southeastern city of Siirt fined each of the 20 people 100 new lira for holding up the placards, written in Kurdish, at the event last year. The letters Q and W do not exist in the Turkish alphabet, but are used in Kurdish.

The 1928 Law on the Adoption and Application of Turkish Letters changed the Turkish alphabet from the Arabic script to a modified Latin script and required all signs, advertising, newspapers and official documents to only use Turkish letters.

Many shops and companies in Turkey have names, signs and advertising using the letters Q, W and X which are not used in Turkish, in apparent violation of the 1928 law, but have not been prosecuted.

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Amish Arcade