Subject: Daily Dose - 060429 - blind date, THIS is TRUE, rant from Dennis
Miller, DDL, Rotten News
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind
date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later
that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?"
the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three
times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered,
"I thought he was dead."
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
SHELL GAME: In 2005, the City of Los
Angeles, Calif., seized some private land by eminent domain to build an animal
shelter. The furniture factory that was there for 20 years was
"thriving," said the firm. It cost the city $5.8 million to buy them
out. But after just a year, the city announced it wants to build the shelter
somewhere else, so it's going to sell the property even though the switch will
add $5-11 million to its cost. And who is buying the land? A furniture
manufacturer -- not the same one, but another company that has contributed
$17,600 to city politicians. The expensive new deal is better, says City
Councilman Bernard Parks. The area is "one of the last inner-city
industrial areas, and so we are trying to ensure that it continues to
develop," he says, while "the original proposal impairs the growth of
a major economic development." Parks' election committee received a $1,000
contribution from the company trying to buy the property. (Los Angeles Times)
...The surprising thing isn't how easily politicians can be bought, but rather
how low their price is.
***
HE RODE A BLAZING SADDLE, HE WORE A
SHINING STAR: Ron Stallworth, recently retired from police work, admitted in an
interview that a major accomplishment during his 30 years as a cop was not only
being a card-carrying member of the racist Ku Klux Klan, but he was even asked,
as a "good, loyal Klansman," to lead the local Klan chapter in Colorado
Springs, Colo. The Klan didn't know he was a policeman. It also didn't know he
was black. "It was one of the most fun" investigations he was
involved with, Stallworth said. He did all of his contact with the Klan over
the phone. When he couldn't avoid a meeting, a white officer went in his place.
His investigation started in 1979, and he said he is amazed no one in the Klan
ever caught on. (Deseret Morning News)
...Nah! When dealing with such mentalities it's not surprising he could keep
hidden under the sheets for so long.
***
SURE, THIS MAKES SENSE: A student at
McHenry (Ill.) Community High School has been disciplined after
"doodling" in his own notebook. His drawing features the initials
"D.L.K." which, school officials told his mother, "could"
mean "Disciples Latin King" -- the Latin Kings and the Latin
Disciples are two rival gangs. His mother says he's not a member of any gang.
But under the school's zero tolerance rules about gang activity, the boy was
suspended, and the school board voted unanimously to expel Derek Leon Kelly
from any state-funded school for the rest of the school year, rejecting his
explanation that the initials he drew are simply his own. (Chicago Tribune)
...Leaving him nothing to do but join a gang.
***
AH, AN EXPLANATION AT LAST! After a
6-year-old boy at Downey Elementary School in Brockton, Mass., touched a girl
in his class, the girl complained to a teacher, who called in the principal.
"Sexual harassment" proclaimed Principal Diane Gosselin, who called
the district attorney's office and police. "My son doesn't even know what
sexual harassment is," complained Berthena Dorinvil. "He's only 6
years old." Gosselin suspended the boy for three days, but police took no
action. The National Association of Elementary School Principals issued a
statement noting that "Cracking down now [on sexual harassment] not only
is best for students, it will also create a better climate for learning. And
it's certainly good PR (public relations)." (Brockton Enterprise)
...OK. Is this the kind of PR you were hoping for?
***
THANKFULLY, HE WASN'T ARMED:
"Man Accused of Throwing Legs at Trooper"
-- Roseburg (Ore.) News-Review headline
______________________________
How about a rant from Dennis Miller.
This is pretty funny.
I don't care what your hobby is
before puberty hits, because as soon as it does, nature assigns you a new one.
Let's just say that when I was 14 I was treated for tennis elbow, and I didn't
even own a racquet. I wasn't exactly subtle about my self-discovery either. I
had tiki torches all around my bed, a poster of Farrah Fawcett on my ceiling
and a spring-loaded tissue dispenser on my nightstand while I worked my own
crank like it was the gearshift on a Volkswagen bus that I was trying to rock
out of a mudhole. Ah, the good old days--last Thursday.
You know, there was a time when men
dreaded getting old because they knew it would rob them of their sexual power.
But thanks to modern medicine, couples are having sex well into their 70s and
80s, to the point where you can now buy edible panties fortified with calcium.
I guess like all things in this era
of unfettered capitalism, science and technology have turned human sexuality
into yet another profit center. Between penile lengthening, Viagra and boob
jobs, doctors are nailing up shingles to get in on all the nailing going on.
You've got guys who haven't even been to medical school setting up shop in a
kiosk on a traffic island on Sunset Boulevard who'll inject chicken fat into
your dick for $20 at a red light. Or $10, if you've got the Entertainment '99
coupon book.
Hey, civilizations come and go, but
the one constant throughout the ages has been and always will be the orgasm.
Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief--I don't care what your social strata is.
When that climax lightning bolt comes roaring down your loins, there's only one
thing on your mind: why in the hell is everybody else on this bus starin' at
me?
______________________________
DDL
In Crete, long ago, lived a whore,
Who found regular men quite a bore.
For her snatch to feel full,
She had sex with a bull -
Hence the legend of the Minotaur.
______________________________
"I have a friend whose life is
so boring, he has a bumper sticker on his car that says, 'Hit me. I need the
excitement.'"
--Bill Jones
***
"Cured ham? No thanks, pal.
Cured of what? What if it has a relapse on my plate?"
--Tommy Sledge
***
"I arise in the morning torn
between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This
makes it hard to plan the day."
--E. B. White
***
"Ignorance is the mother of
admiration."
--George Chapman
***
"What am I supposed to do with
this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said,
"when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
***
The Harvard School of Medicine did a
study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that
this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
October 27, 2005
Church scraps services to show rugby
WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) - A
church at Tauranga on New Zealand's North Island will scrap Sunday services
next month - and instead show Test matches from the All Blacks' rugby union
tour of Britain and Ireland.
The Greerton Bible Church will
provide a big-screen television to allow parishioners to watch the All Blacks'
Tests against Wales, Ireland, England and Scotland, which will screen live on
Sunday mornings in New Zealand.
"A lot of people are going to
watch the All Black games on Sunday morning, so we figured if we can't beat
'em, join 'em," Pastor Russell Embling said Thursday. Rugby and the All
Blacks are a big part of Kiwi culture, there's no denying that."
Pastor Embling said his congregation
of about 250 was looking forward to the matches.
"We have never done anything
like this before in terms of shifting our Sunday service to make way for
anything, let alone the rugby," he said. "Everyone is really looking
forward to it and can't wait."
**********
A Pint With Your Priest: Church
Books Bar
MANCHESTER, N.H. - So, these two
priests walk into a bar ... No joke. A Roman Catholic parish has booked four
talks at a local bar in an effort to reach out to 20- and 30-somethings who
don't go to church. Alcohol will be served.
The Ste. Marie Parish's first
presentation, "Naked & Without Shame," is scheduled for Thursday
and will deal with Catholic views on sexuality, contraception and sex and
marriage.
Other talks scheduled at the Strange
Brew Tavern are entitled "Clothed With Love," "It Ain't Easy
Being Catholic Today," and "Put Out Into the Deep."
"We're trying to reach out to
people that don't go to church or maybe are lapsed Catholics," said Chris
Paul," evangelist at Ste. Marie. "The idea is just to find a
different atmosphere that will reach different people."
Many of the parents of today's
younger generation never came to church or gave their children values from that
experience, said the Rev. Marc Montminy. "So they're looking for
something," he said. "And they can't find it, because I know they're
looking in all the wrong places."
**********
Church-going boosts economic
well-being?
Wed Oct 26,12:21 PM ET
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Attending
religious services may enrich the soul, but it also fattens the wallet,
according to research released on Tuesday.
"Doubling the frequency of
attendance leads to a 9.1 percent increase in household income, or a rise of
5.5 percent as a fraction of the poverty scale," Jonathan Gruber of the
economics department at Massachusetts Institute of Technology wrote in his
study.
"Those with more faith may be
less 'stressed out' about daily problems that impede success in the labor
market and the marriage market, and therefore are more successful," Gruber
wrote in the study, which was released by the National Bureau of Economic
Research.
Living in a community with
complementary ethnic groups that share the same religion increases the
frequency of going to a house of worship, he said in the paper titled
"Religious Market Structure, Religious Participation, and Outcomes: Is
Religion Good for You?"
Such visits correlate to higher
levels of education and income, lower levels of welfare receipt and disability,
higher levels of marriage and lower levels of divorce, the study said.
Gruber says he focused on
non-Hispanic whites aged 25 or older because "there is very strong
evidence of racial segregation in church-going, so that the density of
Hispanics or non-whites in a religion in some area is not likely to be relevant
for the religious participation of whites in that area."
**********
White House asks spoof Web site to
stop using seal
Wed Oct 26,12:25 AM ET
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The White
House is not amused by The Onion, a newspaper that often spoofs the Bush
administration, and has asked it to stop using the presidential seal on its Web
site.
The seal was still on the Web site www.theonion.com on Tuesday at the spot
where President George W. Bush's weekly radio address is parodied.
With headlines like "Bush To
Appoint Someone To Be In Charge Of Country" and "Bush Subconsciously
Sizes Up Spain For Invasion," The Onion is popular with readers looking
for a little laughter with their politics.
White House spokesman Trent Duffy
said people who work in the executive mansion do have a sense of humour, but
not when it comes to breaking regulations.
"When any official sign or seal
is being used inappropriately the party is notified," Duffy said.
"You cannot pick and choose where to enforce that rule. It's important
that the seal or any White House insignia not be used inappropriately," he
said.
Duffy said while he does not
personally read The Onion, he admitted knowing others in the White House who
do. "Like everyone else, we like a good laugh."
Scott Dikkers, editor-in-chief of
the satirical newspaper, said its lawyer disagrees with the White House
assessment.
"I've been seeing the
presidential seal used in comedy programs most of my life and to my knowledge
none of them have been asked not to use it by the White House," Dikkers
said.
"I would advise them to look
for that other guy Osama (bin Laden) .... rather than comedians. I don't think
we pose much of a threat," Dikkers said.
*************
In Really Bad Taste....