Subject: Daily Dose - 060426 - Another collection from George

Today's collection courtesy of George in Winnipeg...

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A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

That sure explains a lot!

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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him! I began t o read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb.

The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed "Well brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, up another and Down another until we came to a crick. So I quick Dunked him and Baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi , who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

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Oh, How We Miss Bill Clinton

It doesn't matter what party you are, this is absolutely hilarious. This comes from a black comedian on a Canadian TV show:

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.

"Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

"Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

"Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter ...   It will be  built in Canada .

"When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

"American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.

" Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.

"The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth, as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

" Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."

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My Jobs

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO, I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

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Kids Are Quick.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find  North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

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TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't  have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Greg, why do you always get so dirty?
GREG: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie, the teacher interrupted..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to,  my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

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Men are Like...

1. Men are like .......Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ........Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .......Blenders .... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ......Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ...Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ........Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ....Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .....Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like .... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. "But do have fun finding out".

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ...Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

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This is an Anti-Alzhiemer's test you can all pass.

Have fun with this one.....

1.After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off  into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man?  Invariably, someone would answer, I  don't know, but he left this behind.
What did he leave behind?

2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________  Show.

3 "Get your kicks, ___________________."

4."The story you are about to see is true. The names have  been changed _________________."

5."In the jungle, the mighty jungle,____________."

6. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that  was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called  the "_____________."

7. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S",  Nestle's makes the very  best ___________

8 Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was  _________.

9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ____________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was __________ and Red always ended his television show by saying,  "Good Night, and "___________".

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam  War did so by burning  their____________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by?  ___________ & _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don  MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to  _____________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called  the  ______________

Scroll  Down

ANSWERS:  

1. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
2. The Ed Sullivan Show
3. On Route 66
4. To protect the innocent.
5. The  Lion sleeps tonight
6. The limbo
7. Chocolate
8. Louis  Armstrong
9. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader, and "Good Night, and  may  God bless."  
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or  Bug  
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop

If you could not answer at least 12 you are a disgrace to your generation

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Turkish "doctor fish" nibble at Japanese market

Tue Apr 18, 2:17 AM ET

HAKONE, Japan (Reuters) - The Japanese are known for eating more fish than any other nation in the world -- now fish may have a chance to get their own back.

In a beauty treatment imported from Turkey, bathers at "Dr Fish", a new spa in the hot spring resort of Hakone, dip their feet into a warm pool teeming with fish that nibble away at dead skin and bacteria.

The toothless Kangal fish, just a few centimetres long, are touted as a cure for skin conditions such as psoriasis in Turkey, but for the hygiene-obsessed Japanese it's more about getting their feet squeaky clean.

The experience is ticklish, rather than painful, bathers say.

"They're eating the bad stuff and it makes me feel better," Shingo Kamiya, a 45-year-old customer at the spa said as the fish swarmed around his bare toes.