Subject: Daily Dose - 060425 - first-time fathers, BIZARRE NEWS, seance, DDL, Rotten News

A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

"Certainly not," he replies.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Valentine's Day Traditions

France: On Valentine's Day the single French men and women would go into houses that faced each other and begin calling out the window the names of their desired Valentines. If the pair wasn't in agreement of affection for one another, the man would leave the woman. Afterwards the woman would attend a bonfire where pictures of the denied suitor would be burnt as she yelled out her aggression.

Germany: The Germans find it important to express their love on a daily basis with love notes but the expressions of love don't stop there. Love is taken to new heights when the lovers exchange baptismal and marriage certificates.

Australia: The folks from the Land Down Under keep it classy on Valentine's Day. In Australia it's typical to receive glamorous Valentines decked out with flowers, shells and birds. The box it comes in is usually almost as beautiful as the Valentine itsel and is typically adorned with intricate details. These Valentines are true treasures.

England: In Elizabethan England the custom was the first person you saw on leaving your house that morning would automatically become your valentine. If they reached an agreement as Valentines then they would exchange names on paper strips. Men carried strips in their hatbands while women wore them in their bodices.

Italy: In Italy the lover's holiday is celebrated as a Spring Festival. The festival is held outdoors where the young lovers would gather and take in nature as they listened to music and read and listened to poetry and took long walks through the gardens. The traditions have since ceased but when they were celebrated they had a large following from the young Italian lovers.

Japan: In Japan it's all about the men on Valentine's Day. Since it isn't a national holiday, the women are the only ones who give presents, typically chocolate, to the men in their lives. Men eventually return the gesture one month later on White Day, the Japanese holiday. White Day is when the men pamper the women with the typical flowers, candies, and of course, in the tradition of its name, marshmallows.

Scotland: Along with the Italians, the Scottish also celebrate the day of love with a festival. An equal number of single men and women attend the festival and write their names down to be chosen as Valentines. The names are tossed into two hats; one for the men and one for the women. Everyone chooses a name and some may end up with two Valentines. The man is always supposed to stick with the lady who chose him.

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China 'Nose' Romance

SHANGHAI, China - Young Chinese couples are giving one another identical nose jobs and other body enhancements for Valentine's Day this year, the China Daily reports.

At the Shanghai Art Plastic Cosmetic & Esthetic Surgery, a spokesman said business from 20-somethings had risen 30 percent since Feb. 4. Three couples have asked for matching features -- two want similar noses and the third wants identical eyes, the newspaper said. Eyes and noses are the most popular for surgery.

Plastic surgery was illegal in China until the early 1980s, but is now a multi-billion dollar industry, helped in part by TV shows such as "Lovely Cinderella," which offer surgery as prizes.

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The Streets Weren't The Only Thing Plowed

NEW YORK - A New York City garbage truck driver whose truck was hastily converted to a snow plow has been charged with drunk driving after plowing into three cars.

The New York Post said that in response to the massive snowfall that hit the city last weekend some sanitation workers were pressed into plowing duties. Monday afternoon, one of the large re-fitted trucks didn't quite manage passing through an intersection and plowed into three cars.

Three people received minor injuries, and were treated at the scene. The newspaper said sanitation worker Anatoly Zaborsky, 60, refused to provide a Breathalyzer sample, and was charged at the scene with drunk driving.

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Can't Have Your Pot and Smoke It Too

WEST FARGO, N.D. - If you're going to buy pot, don't be like one North Dakota State University student and try to purchase it from police. The 20-year-old woman now faces charges after trying to buy marijuana at the police station.

Saturday's incident was "about the craziest thing I've ever come across," Officer Ken Zeeb said. "This is something that you couldn't even make up."

The woman apparently called the station Saturday morning, asking where she could buy marijuana. The dispatcher told the woman repeatedly that it was illegal to sell and buy the drug, but finally told her the police had some in the station's evidence locker.

The officers couldn't believe it when the woman actually showed up and handed the dispatcher $3 for the drug.

The woman was arrested on charges of criminal attempt and possession of drug paraphernalia.

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Girl's School Locker Goes to Pot

SYRACUSE, N.Y. - A first-grader expected to find her hat when she opened her locker before going home from school. Instead she found more than 20 bags of marijuana.

The 6-year-old student "took her hat out of the locker to go home from school ... and when she went to put it on, the bags fell out," said school district spokesman Neil Driscoll on Monday.

Police spokesman Sgt. Tom Connellan said it was unclear where the drugs came from, but it appeared they were in her locker throughout the school day.

"This is absolutely, no question, in all the years I've been in education, the most unusual thing I've seen," school principal Frank Fiello said.

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A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. So he went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband...much happier!"

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place."

"I'm not in Heaven."

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DDL

There's a poor teeny-bopper in Wichita,
Whose parents do nothing but bitchita.
They want her to wait
For a good proper mate,
But how can she, when she's all a-twichita.

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"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
--Woody Allen

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"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
--Joseph Heller

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My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise. It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr."

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"As I'm sure you know, Michael Jackson left the hospital the other night and he's doing great. He said he feels like a kid again."
--Jay Leno

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"Yesterday Paris Hilton turned 24. Happy Birthday to Paris. Her friends say that she's 24 but has the knees of an 80 year old."
--Conan O'Brien

***

Tongue chow: Chinese words for pussy

Tongue chow yuck: Chinese words for bad pussy

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Rotten News....  (true)

Cat Found Built Into Wall Of New House

UPDATED: 12:30 pm EDT October 27, 2005

LOUISBURG, Kan. -- The saying, "If these walls could talk" took on new meaning in Louisburg this week. There, the walls of one house were practically screaming.

A cat was accidentally built into the walls of a new house in Kansas. The homeowner and workers heard the cat making noises.

"We started banging on the walls and bathtub, and (the cat) started again," said homeowner Emily Vano. "Our voices probably triggered him to say, 'I'm here, I'm here!'"

The builder estimated the cat had been stuck in the walls at least three weeks.

"The contractor figured out he was just under the tub and got dry walled in," Vano said.

Workers tore a hole in the wall, made some cat calls, and the scared, tired and thirsty animal crawled out.

"Poor little thing. So sorry we built you into the house," Vano said.

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October 27, 2005 

Wisconsin cat sails to France

APPLETON, Wisconsin (AP) - When Emily the cat went missing a month ago, her owners looked for their wandering pet where she had ended up before - the local animal shelter.

This week, they learned Emily sailed to France. Lesley McElhiney now figures her cat went prowling around a paper warehouse near home and ended up in a cargo container that went by ship across the Atlantic Ocean and was trucked to Nancy, a city in northeastern France near the border with Germany.

Employees at a French lamination company found her in the container, checked her tags and called Emily's U.S. veterinarian, John Palarski.

"It probably had access to food and water," Palarski said. "I doubt if it went three weeks without it. There must have been a lot of mice on the boat. Even if it was in the cargo department, you would assume there was water down there. She had to have something."

Palarski faxed the cat's vaccination records to French authorities to help remove her from quarantine but the family is wondering exactly how they will retrieve the pet.

Emily will need a health certificate from France to return home and she will have to go through quarantine again on entering the United States, Palarski said.

"The only thing we can think right now is buying a plane ticket," McElhiney said.

"She already cost us some the first time we got her from the humane society. She's getting to be an expensive little thing."

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Pampered pets -- fashion victims with painted nails

LONDON (Reuters) - Fed up with pets that look scruffy, dirty or straggly?

Then why not spruce them up with fur highlights, add a party look by painting their nails, or spray them with their own special eau de toilette?

It's all possible thanks to 465 sometimes bizarre beauty products launched so far this year for the world's pampered pets, Consumer research group Mintel said on Tuesday.

"For many pet owners, their animals are as loved and pampered as their own children, and deserve to be groomed and cared for with the best products," Mintel's David Jago said. "On an extreme level, we have even seen cosmetic products that allow pets to imitate their owner's beauty regimes."

Style-conscious cats and dogs can now be treated to nail polishes -- available in a range of colours from scarlet to gloss -- while they can also have their fur dyed gold, orange or pink.

For overweight or stressed-out animals, there are numerous weight control supplements, relaxation sprays and "chill" pills.

Of course though, once your pooch has been spruced up it could start attracting unwanted attention.

But don't worry -- a firm in the Netherlands has produced "No Love Spray" which promises to neutralise the sexual scent of female dogs.

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Pet Owners Seek Grooming for Their Rats

LA VERNE, Calif. - Karri Garrison is getting rid of that cliche about dirty rats — one rodent at a time. Grooming isn't just for dogs anymore, and many pet owners are bringing in their rats to groomers like Garrison, who uses waterless shampoo to make their coats shine and smell sweet.

Customers at Katie's Pet Depot in La Verne, about 30 miles east of Los Angeles, began requesting rat grooming soon after the store opened nearly two years ago. Employees began researching rats and even adopted some.

"We need to be there for all our clients," Garrison said. "I think we might be the only place around that grooms rats."

One of the clients was named Jewel, a half-pound, white-and-yellow hooded rat owned by a local high school student. The $10 treatment included clipping her claws, spraying her with the waterless shampoo, and using a product that kills fleas and mites.

Garrison and two other employees, Laurie Torres and Gloria Ferguson, also groom guinea pigs, mice, and rabbits. They said small pets can bring big challenges.

Ferguson recommends pet owners get their animals groomed at least once a month to protect them from parasites.

"I love rats," she said. "It's an obsession to me. Sometimes when they get nervous they (urinate) but they don't usually bite. We know how to handle them because that's what we do."

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Hannah Named 'Most Beautiful Bulldog'

By LUKE MEREDITH, Associated Press Writer

DES MOINES, Iowa - To those who know her best, Hannah is the ultimate girly girl. She enjoys socializing in the neighborhood, wearing fancy outfits and pursuing a shoe fetish that would rival any Hollywood starlet.

But Hannah doesn't wear shoes — she eats them. Still, that didn't stop this 2-year old English bulldog from beating out 49 others to claim top prize in the 27th annual "Beautiful Bulldog" contest Monday. Hannah, who is white with patches of brown scattered across her squat figure, took the stage wearing a Drake cheerleaders' outfit and shocked the crowd by taking "top dog" honors over Porterhouse, a brown male from St. Paul, Minn., who dressed like a construction worker — complete with tool belt and hard hat.

As the winner, Hannah will serve a yearlong term as the official mascot of both the Relays and Drake University.

"We're looking for the ugliest bulldog you can get your hands on," said Dolph Pulliam, the executive director of the Beautiful Bulldog contest. "We're the looking for the bulldog that has that face, that drool, that personality that can charm you."