Subject: Daily Dose - 060424 - football player, THIS is TRUE, Night Court, DDL, Rotten News

This football player named Smith was an avid hunter and it was the last day of deer season but also the last game of the season. He tells his wife, "I've been just sitting on the bench all season so would you put on my uniform and take my place while I go hunting?"

The wife agrees and he goes hunting while she goes to the game.

In the last three minutes of the game the coach yells, "Smith, you're in!"

She can't say anything because her husband would lose his contract and probably get sued. She thinks what can happen in just three minutes? as she runs into the game.

The next thing she knows she has the ball and all these guys are jumping on her. She passes out. When she comes to she finds she's in the locker room naked from the waste down.

The coach sees her coming around and says, "Don't worry Smith! They say as soon as we get your balls back down where they belong, your pecker will pop out."

______________________________

THIS is TRUE...

CAMPY CAMPAIGN: Coleen Rowley, running for Congress from Minnesota, has apologized to her opponent, incumbent U.S. Rep. John Kline, for a photo of Kline on her web site. The photo used Kline's face pasted over a publicity shot of Nazi prison camp commandant Col. Wilhelm Klink from the 1960s TV show, "Hogan's Heroes". Rowley's campaign manager blamed the deed on "a volunteer Web site person who didn't understand the implications of using the Colonel Klink image." (St. Paul Pioneer Press)
...So can we assume he's been "Disssssmissssed!"?

***

DUMMY SMURF: A motel clerk in Anchorage, Alaska, reported that a man tried to rob him. He locked himself in the office and the man got away with no money. His disguise: the blonde man was wearing a puffy red coat, and had his face painted blue like a "Smurf", police said. An officer said he had dealt with Daniel Peter Clark, 19, a blonde man in a puffy red coat, at a different motel the previous day, so he went to see if he was still there. "In runs Mr. Clark, still wearing his blue face," a police spokesman said. "It was a clue." Clark was arrested. "Sometimes that's what it takes, putting two and two together." (AP)
...It's a nice switch from the usual, when they make a suspect talk until he's blue in the face.

***

ON THE INTERNET, NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE A DOG: "Sassy Sarah" was very active on an online sports forum, accessing the site 19,200 times and posting 6,622 messages over about 10 weeks. Then City of Toledo, Ohio, officials traced the activity to Scott Leo, a city intern, who made the postings while at work. "The Internet is full of people who make false claims," Leo said, defending his alter ego. "I wasn't going to say who I really was." Leo, who insisted he made all of his postings during breaks or his 30-minute lunch period, resigned. His supervisor said she was satisfied with Leo's performance, and noted he got his work done. (Toledo Blade)
...You have to wonder just how much work they gave him, then.

***

LEARNING EXPERIENCE: University of Prince Edward Island (Canada) Prof. David Weale was "dismayed" that the last class he was to ever teach before he retired after 30 years had 95 students, so he announced a "January clearance," school administrators say. Weale said he'd give credit to anyone who dropped the class, and even award them a B-minus grade, in return for making the class more "enriching" for those who remained. About 20 students took him up on the deal. When administrators caught wind of the offer, they said the "Weale Deal" was off, the professor was suspended, and anyone who wanted credit had better come to class. "They just want to send out this message about how strict they are about standards," Weale complained, "when, goddammit, I was the one who was fighting in that class for standards." Weale complained about "our so-called merit-based society," adding "It's not a good thing to think that you have to earn everything." The class? History of Christianity. (Toronto Globe and Mail)
..."If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain." --James 1:26

***

STOP THE PRESSES -- NOW THIS IS NEWS! "Man Chooses Girlfriend Over Elvis"
-- AP headline

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It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."

______________________________

DDL

Antoinette was a beautiful whore,
Who wore fifty-six beads, nothing more.
They sneered, "Unrefined!"
When she wore them behind,
So she tactfully wore them before.

______________________________

"The Grammy's were tonight. With all the stars and talent they were still able to pull off a dull show."
--Dave Letterman

***

"American Idol actually did better in the ratings than the Grammy's. So people would rather see regular people do a bad job of singing than famous people do a good job of lip syncing."
--Jay Leno

***

"This is America. If you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, then you can just get the hell out!"
--Steve Buscemi as the homeless guy in "Big Daddy"

***

"Ummm... a malt Glen Garry for me and my friend here. And if you tell that bartender to go extra easy on the water, this 50 cent piece has your name on it."
--Vince Vaughn in SWINGERS

***

"Baseball's hard. You can love it but, believe me, it don't always love you back. It's kinda like dating a German chick."
--Billy Bob Thornton as Buttermaker in "Bad News Bears"

______________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Strange-Looking Car Leads To Explosives Charges

UPDATED: 3:09 pm MST February 6, 2006

A man from Sheridan is facing explosives charges after he accidentally blew up his own car with a gas-filled balloon he was taking to a Super Bowl party.

The Arapahoe County Sheriff's Office found a suspicious-looking car Sunday afternoon behind the old Duggan's gas station in the 4500 block of South Santa Fe Drive frontage road. Passersby had called in to report some type of explosion or car accident.

When a deputy arrived to check it out, he found a white car that showed obvious signs of an explosion. All the windows were blown out, the vehicle doors were bent towards the outside and the roof was pushed about a foot higher than normal.

The deputy traced the license plate to a home in the 3600 block of South Grove Street in Sheridan. Sheridan officers talked to the people inside and a man and a woman admitted that they were in the car.

They explained that they were taking a balloon to a Super Bowl party -- a balloon filled with acetylene, a very explosive gas used in welding -- so they could blow up the balloon while celebrating.

However, on the drive, the balloon rolled across the back seat, possibly causing static electricity, and igniting the gas, causing it to explode.

Deputies called in an ambulance, who took the couple to Swedish Medical Center for possible shrapnel wounds and broken eardrums.

Norman Frey, 46, faces a charge of possession, use, or removal of explosives or incendiary devices. He faces two to six years in prison.

**********

Dutch Witches Get Tax Break for Studies

APPELSCHA, Netherlands - Dutch witches were guaranteed a financial treat when the Leeuwarden District Court reaffirmed their legal right to write off the costs of schooling — including in witchcraft — against their tax bills. Those costs run to thousands of euros.

The case is brewing political fury in the halls of Dutch government where a member of parliament for the ruling Christian Democrats demanded an explanation.

"It's just because the word 'witch' was mentioned that they have woken up," said Margarita Rongen, clad in flowing black velvet robes and wearing a Wiccan talisman. "This write-off has been around for a long time."

The court found that a witch can declare schooling costs if it increases the likelihood of employment.

When he asked about it in parliament, Junior Finance Minister Joop Wijn wrote, "Under the circumstances, the cost of a course to become a witch qualifies as school fees."

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India to earners: "Happy Diwali. Now pay your taxes"

Thu Oct 27,10:22 AM ET

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Indian taxmen are to become text messengers in their drive to ensure people pay their dues.

Finance Minister Palaniappan Chidambaram told a news conference on Thursday he plans to send thousands of potential taxpayers mobile phone messages to coincide with next week's Hindu Diwali festival of light.

"Pay your taxes, file your returns and hold your head high. Happy Diwali," they will say.

The government is worried that despite increasing prosperity in the world's second most populous country, paying tax remains a distinctly minority habit.

Only 3 percent of the population pay income tax and the collection rate has remained stagnant at about 10 percent of gross domestic product for the past decade.

**********

Flemish wife calls Walloon spouse "lazy", arrested

Thu Oct 27, 7:36 AM ET

BRUSSELS (Reuters) - Belgium's history of linguistic bickering between Flemings and Walloons entered a new phase this week when police arrested a Flemish woman for calling her Walloon husband lazy, Belgian media said on Thursday.

The 48-year-old husband filed a complaint for racism against his spouse for scratching him and calling him "a lazy Walloon, a slave and an inferior creature", De Standaard daily said.

The 47-year-old woman will appear before a magistrate later on Thursday to face charges of racism, the newspaper said.

Dutch-speaking Flemings and French-speaking Walloons are not only linguistically divided but also split socio-economically between a prosperous Flanders and a poorer Wallonia.