Subject: Daily Dose - 060419 - Sonia's Collection
Today's collection courtesy of Sonia
in India...
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A very distinguished lady was on a
plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest
whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I
do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought
myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum
of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that
they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your
cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child,
but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face
Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him
the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its
destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?
"From the top of my head to my
sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the
customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have
there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has
never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the
customs officer said, "Go ahead Father."
______________________________
Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were
tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers; and after many years they
decided to Anglicize their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the
Nuss Brothers.
After completing the legal
paperwork, they informed the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on, she
should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers."
"I quit," said Ethel.
"But why?" asked Peter,
"The pay and benefits will be the same!"
"Yeah? Well YOU answer the
phone then. I don't want to answer and find that the caller says he wants to
speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say..... "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss
or A-Nuss?"
______________________________
DUBAI SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You create a
website for them and advertise them in all the magazines. You create a Cow City
or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been
milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to resale the nonexistent
milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cow
first to attract attention.
QATAR SYSTEM:
You have two cows. They've been
sitting there for decades and no one realized that cows could produce milk. You
see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the
cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in
the first place.
SAUDI SYSTEM:
Since milking the cow involves
nipples the Gov't decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a
cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the
other or to hire females and train them to milk the cows ... the debate is
still going on.
BAHRAIN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Some high Gov't
official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The Gov't
tells you that there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The
people riot and scream death to the Gov't and carry Iranian flags. The
Parliament, after thinking for 11 month, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to all
milk the cow at the same time and so cutting back on unemployment.
LEBANON SYSTEM:
You have two cows. One is owned by
Syria and the other is controlled by Hizbollah.
EGYPTIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Both are voting
for Mobarak!
YEMENI SYSTEM:
You have no cows, while government
is milking the nation.
AMERICAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant
to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
FRENCH SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You go on strike
because you wanted three cows.
RUSSIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You count them
and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open
another bottle of vodka.
BRITISH SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AUSTRALIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You give one to
the Americans and one to the British and you go back to shagging sheep!
______________________________
Once at the time of the world war,
the soldiers were looting all villages,of food, wine and women. Before they
could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one
young man, who had a 80-year-old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one
occupied house and tore inside.
"Bring us some food!" they
demanded.
The young man said, "But I have
only half a loaf of bread."
"War is War, bring us the
food!"
So he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine!"
"But I doubt if there is any in
the house, you know how things are these days!"
"War is War, bring us the
wine!"
So the young man manages half a
bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman!"
"But everyone has left the
village. The only female here is my 80 year old grandmother!!"
"War is War, bring her to
us!"
The old woman is brought and she's
so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say, "We'll let
you off this time.'"
Granny says, "The hell you
will, War is War!
______________________________
A little old lady is walking down
the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is
flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops
her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little
old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks
for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast,"
says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little
old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the
football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the
bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a
big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes,
I say : $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!"
laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little
old lady, "not all of them pay up".............!!!!!!
______________________________
1) Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
2) Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3) Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
4) Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,the
next morning you will have a flat tire.
5) O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the
one you are in now.
6) BELL'S THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7) RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE
ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.
8) WILLOUGHBY'S LAW:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
9) ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10) BREDA'S RULE:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
11) OWEN'S LAW:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12) HOWDEN'S LAW:
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox
______________________________
A belch is but a noisome thing
Ascending from the heart
But when it takes a downward trend,
it then becomes a fart.
A fart is but a lovesome thing
It sets the bowels at ease,
it warms the bed,
it scents the clothes,
and suffocates the fleas.
______________________________
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look
at yourself from time to time and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum,
a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or
not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director,
"we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to
the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said
the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger
than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director,
"A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a
view?"
______________________________
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii
on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing
anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they
headed for a store and bought shorts shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the
beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach
chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a"drop dead
gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she
smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding
and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both
stunned.
How in the world did she know they
were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store & bought even
more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before
you even saw them.
Once again the two priests settled
on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous
topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward
them. Again, she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father"
and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it
any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes," she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of
it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed
as we are?"
You're going to love this
one...........
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The blonde turned around and
replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Angela"
