Subject: Daily Dose - 060418 - contraceptives, THIS is TRUE, velvet ropes,
Top Country Western Songs, DDL, Rotten News
A researcher is doing a study on the
sexual habits of trailer park denizens of Alabama. He finds one family with 12
kids and decides to ask the mother some questions.
"Ma'am," he asks,
"Don't take this the wrong way, but do you know anything about
contraceptives?"
"What the hell're you talkin'
bout?" is her confused reply.
"Okay, well, for instance...
what do you and your husband use when you're having sex? Do you use a condom? A
diaphragm? IUD?"
"Nah," she replies.
"We get along fine just a usin' my ol' man's dick."
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
CRAZY LIKE A FOX: Christine Ryder,
53, says she was so depressed, she asked a friend, Kevin Reeves, 40, whom she
had met in a mental hospital in Kent, England, to find a hit man to kill her.
He offered to do it himself (he was her friend, after all!) and accepted 20,000
pounds (US$35,000) for the job. After several arranged dates to kill her came
and went and she was still alive, a frustrated Ryder filed a criminal breach of
contract complaint, and prosecutors took him to trial. Even Reeves's own
defense attorney admitted the scheme was "mean." Reeves was sentenced
to 15 months in jail and ordered to pay 2,000 pounds in compensation. (London
Times)
...No matter what, a deal's a deal.
***
SPIN DOCTOR: "I just hopped in
there, playing hide and go seek with the kids," said Robin Toom, 30. The
place he decided to hide: the washing machine at his sister's Townsville, Qld.,
Australia, house. The kids found him quickly, and he found something too: he
was stuck. "I couldn't stop sweating in there, they had to bring in a
fan." After 20 minutes, the family gave up and called in the rescue squad.
They finally got him out after about an hour. (Adelaide Advertiser)
...And straight into the dryer he went.
***
ABOVE THE LAW: As Florida's Attorney
General, part of Charlie Crist's job is to prosecute e-mail spammers. He even
trumpeted in a press release that spam is "an annoying, intrusive form of
e-mail that almost all of us receive but few of us want." When Crist
decided to run for governor, he bragged how he helped stiffen the law against
unsolicited e-mail. Then he started sending out campaign e-mails to drum up
support for his candidacy, gathering e-mail addresses from requests for
official state newsletters. "The irony and hypocrisy amazes me," said
one angry voter. "Do I need to file a complaint with the Attorney
General's office?" But Crist refused to back down. "It's not
spam," said his political director, Arlene DiBenigno. "It's political
speech." Besides, she says, "We're not selling anything." (St.
Petersburg Times)
...In other news, a Florida gubernatorial candidate's political director has no
idea what campaigns are about.
***
BELOW THE RADAR: Robert Bailey, 23,
faces the death penalty for the murder of a police officer in Panama City
Beach, Fla. His defense: his lawyer says Bailey is either retarded or has
"brain damage." Prosecutors say he's faking it: They taped calls
between Bailey, who was in jail, and a friend, and he talks about faking being
"mildly retarded or crazy" so the charges will be dropped. What does
Bailey's lawyer say about that? "That just shows that he really is
functioning at a really low level, because he thinks he's got everybody
fooled," says Deputy Public Defender Walter Smith. (AP)
...Which just shows that Smith really is functioning at a really low level,
because he thinks he's got somebody fooled.
***
YEE HAW! "Good Grits! Southern
Boy joins Bacon of the Month Club"
-- Pensacola (Fla.) News Journal headline
______________________________
The other day I came home and was
greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of
short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred,
"and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went golfing.
______________________________
Top Country Western Songs
17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body
But Mine
16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At
Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long
15. If I Can't Be Number 1 In Your
Life, Then Number 2 On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll
Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't
Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got
To Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My
Aim's Getting Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A
Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But
Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without
You It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I
First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My wife Ran Off With My
Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring and I Got
The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids
Are So Ugly
3. Her Tooth Was Stained But
Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After
Every Beer
And the Number One song is:
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed
With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
______________________________
DDL
There was a young fellow of Wick
Who found a red ring round his prick
He got such a shock
That he went to the doc,
Who said it was only lipstick
______________________________
"Budweiser announced they are
coming out with a beer that has caffeine in it. "I am so tired in the
morning. I really don't get moving until I have my first cup of beer."
--Jay Leno
***
"When I was a baby, my father
used to throw me up in the air and then...answer the phone."
--Rita Rudner
***
"I have a punishing workout
regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a
glass of vodka and smoke a cigarette."
--Anthony Hopkins
***
How about this as a classified ad?
Widowed White Male, 47, large build,
crew cut, seeks alibi for the night of February 3rd between 8pm and 11.30 p.m
***
"A study in Italy showed that
people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another
study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've always
said: Diet and exercise."
--Jay Leno
***
After the last child was born, she
told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was
not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed
the other day when she came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included
$45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've
given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup
for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what
the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Iranians turn on Danish pastries in
cartoon row
TEHRAN (Reuters) - Not content with
pelting European embassies with petrol bombs to protest against cartoons of the
Prophet Mohammad, Iranians have decided to rename the "Danish
pastries" relished by this nation of cake lovers.
From now on, the sweet, flaky pastries which dominate the shelves in Iran's
cake shops will be known as "Roses of the Prophet Mohammad," the
official IRNA news agency reported as pressure on Denmark over the cartoons
took on a new dimension.
"No one is allowed to make fun
of our beloved and respected Prophet," Hassan Nasserzadeh, a cake-shop
owner in central Tehran, told Reuters.
The pastries are baked every day and
are not imported or subject to any boycott of Danish goods imposed over the
cartoons.
**********
Penis enlargement surgery a waste of
time - study
Mon Feb 13, 10:01 PM ET
LONDON (Reuters) - Thanks to the
incessant spam, it's become the most hyped of all operations but researchers
said on Tuesday that most men who have had penis enlargement surgery are not
satisfied with the results.
"For patients with psychological concern about the size of the penis --
particularly if it is normal size -- there is little point in offering them
surgery because it makes no difference," said Nim Christopher, a urologist
at St Peter's Andrology Centre in London.
Christopher and his colleagues, who
questioned 42 men who had the surgery, found the dissatisfaction rate was very
high. Often the men requested another surgical procedure.
"The average increase in length
is 1.3 cm which isn't very much and the dissatisfaction rate was in excess of
70 percent," said Christopher.
**********
February 13, 2006
Lingering lingerie - New Zealand
residents say bra fence must stay
WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) - Residents of a small rural New Zealand district
have voted unanimously to retain a "bra fence" - a farm barrier
festooned with hundreds of brassieres - after a sole objector tried to get the
ladies' underwear removed.
Cardrona on South Island has
attracted worldwide attention since four woman hung their lingerie on the fence
there on New Year's Day 2000 to mark the "liberation" of the new
Millennium. Thousands of tourists stop to photograph the fence each year.
But the community has been facing a
cleavage of a different kind because of the fence: U.S. national Andre
Prassinos, who lives for part of the year in nearby Wanaka township, has been
complaining for more than a year that the titillating testament to the locals'
sense of humour presents a "potential traffic hazard."
After he lodged a fresh complaint
with the local council last week, Cardrona Valley ratepayers and residents came
out in support of the "iconic" fence, voting unanimously for it to
stay, said local lobbyist John Scurr.
"We don't want it getting
higher, longer or suddenly being filled with boots and knickers as well. But it
should stay because it's become part of the valley," Monday's Southland
Times newspaper quoted Scurr as saying.
**********
Boy charged with felony for carrying
sugar
February 11, 2006
BY JUSTINA WANG Advertisement
A 12-year-old Aurora boy who said he
brought powdered sugar to school for a science project this week has been
charged with a felony for possessing a look-alike drug, Aurora police have
confirmed.
The sixth-grade student at Waldo
Middle School was also suspended for two weeks from school after showing the
bag of powdered sugar to his friends.
The boy, who is not being identified
because he is a juvenile, said he brought the bag to school to ask his science
teacher if he could run an experiment using sugar.
Two other boys asked if the bag
contained cocaine after he showed it to them in the bathroom Wednesday morning,
the boy's mother said.
He joked that it was cocaine, before
telling them, "just kidding," she said.
Aurora police arrested the boy after
a custodian at the school reported the boy's comments. The youngster was taken
to the police station and detained, before being released to his parents that
afternoon.
"This is getting
ridiculous," said the boy's mother. "They treated my son like a
criminal. .. . This is no way to treat a 12-year-old kid."
The school handbook states that
students can be suspended or expelled for carrying a look-alike drug.
Penalties for juveniles are decided
on a case-by-case basis, but if convicted, the sixth-grader could likely face
up to five years' probation, said Jeffery Jefko, deputy director of Kane County
juvenile court services.
Aurora Beacon-News
