Subject: Daily Dose - 060416 - bruised testicle, BIZARRE NEWS, ribbed condoms, DDL, Rotten News

A man came home from watching a rugby match between Scotland and France.

He young son welcomed him home saying, "How was it, Dad?"

"It was terribly violent, son. In the break, the Scottish skipper came off the filed with a bruised testicle!"

"Oh, he must have been in such pain!"

"No, no, laddie. It belonged to one of the Frenchmen."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Headlines from 2005

Actual headlines pulled from various sources:

Here's one about Jacko from Dubai, United Arab Emirates: "Jacko enters ladies room, claims he couldn't read sign."

From Los Angeles: " 'Intersex' fish found off California."

A headline from London: "King Tut was a red-wine guy, researcher finds."

Seen in a Chicago daily: "54-year-old pleads guilty after horse-sex death in barn."

From Fond Du Lac, Wis.: "Caught wee-weeing in Wis. town? Everyone's going to know."

A headline from San Mateo, Calif.: "Meth user tried to get it out of urine, lit self on fire."

From Fort Meyers, Fla.: "Vintage car lover accused of stuffing rare parrot in her bra."

[Courtesy of www.starnewspapers.com]

***

Elevator Incident Leaves Things Hanging For Dog Owner

LEAWOOD, Kan. - A 12-year-old dog narrowly escaped death last weekend after her leash was caught in an elevator door.

Barbara Abernethy and her shih tzu, Missy, were taking the elevator down to head outside for a walk. Things turned ugly when Missy darted from the elevator and the doors closed with Abernethy still inside, holding one end of the leash. The elevator went up to the third floor, hauling Missy to the top of the first-floor elevator door.

Two residents who noticed the dangling dog freed her and one woman, Janice Morgan, performed mouth-to-snout resuscitation until Missy started breathing again.

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Police Say: 'Urine Trouble Now!'

ORLAND PARk, Il. - Last week 84-year-old Ed Danis appeared in a front-page newspaper article drinking his own urine. This week he has been suspended from his crossing guard job after the picture of him was published with him wearing his crossing guard uniform complete with official police insignia.

"It has nothing to do with urine therapy," Orland Park Police Chief Tim McCarthy said. "People cannot go around in Orland Park police uniforms speaking out on any issues."

Though Danis said he'd miss the $13-an-hour, 20-hour-a-week job, he is comforted through his urine therapy.

***

Christians Turned On To Sex Toy Web Site

BRIDGEND, Wales - A Welsh couple who set up a Web site to sell sex aids, toys and games to Christians say business is booming, especially from ministers.

Stella Hagarty and husband Stan set up the Wholly Love site fully expecting a torrent of criticism, but have had a pleasant surprise, Sky News reported.

"We have been expecting a storm of protest over what we're doing, but we've had no negative feedback so far," said 31-year-old Stella Hagarty. "In fact, we've had a lot of orders from vicars themselves."

She told The Sun the site contains no nudity, and does not sell items for bondage or sado-masochism. The site has a banner that says "Sex is a great gift from God -- we stock products to enhance your sex life," and offers lingerie, self-help books and chocolate body paint.

***

Oil's Not Well For This Family

BETHPAGE, N.Y. - The Tesoriero family was in for an unpleasant surprise Tuesday morning when they returned home from running errands to find their basement flooded with oil. A driver for a Long Island company mistakenly pumped at least 50 gallons of heating oil into their home after misreading the address on a bill.

The oil flooded the basement and forced the family to have to leave their home due to the fumes.

"When we came home, we smelled it," said Juliann Tesoriero. "There was liquid on the floor of the basement and we said, 'Oh my God, it's oil.'"

The oil was supposed to be delivered to another house on their suburban street.

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When Van was just a youngster, he went to the chemist and asked the pharmacist, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"

The chemist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"

"Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases."

The chemist was impressed. "That's right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?"

Van paused and then answered, "Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up."

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DDL

McDonald the Scot, a whorehounder,
Engaged a slut just to confound her.
She stood him a-tilt,
Reached under his kilt,
And found there a hot quarter-pounder!

Soon his mac bloomed long and round -
Tumescently over two pound!
She said to his raise,
"May I have mayonnaise?"
Indeed, it had quarts, and she drowned.

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"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another."
--George Carlin

***

"I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer."
--Jim Carrey

***

"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug.  Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded."
--Tim Allen

***

"Correspondence schools are full of it. I saw an ad where they claimed they could teach you veterinarian medicine thought the mail. Hate to be a dog in that house. "Mail's here!" "Yip, yip, yip!" Talk about being a regular in the pet store, "Hey, didn't I already sell you a puppy?"
--Drew Carey

***

A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for.
--Arabian Proverb

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Rotten News....  (true)

Penis prank gains world honour

20 February 2006 

By YVONNE MARTIN

A former Christchurch student who set his penis aflame in order to win a $1000 pub promotion has been awarded a dubious world honour. Nearly seven years on, Thomas Hendry's bizarre feat has gained a special mention in the Darwin Awards – recognising those who have improved the human gene pool by leaving it.

To qualify for the cult-status United States awards, nominees must have lost their reproductive capacity by killing or sterilising themselves.

Hendry stopped short of the ultimate sacrifice, but features in the latest book on the awards for illustrating the innovative spirit of candidates.

In 1999, as a cash-strapped, 23-year-old computer trainee, Hendry came up with a zany idea to outdo his rivals at the How Far Will You Go? promotion at Trader McKendry's Tavern in central Christchurch.

He stapled his penis to a crucifix, poured cigarette lighter fluid over it, and set it ablaze before a stunned crowd, including his mother.

Hendry won $500 cash, an equivalent bar tab and worldwide infamy. He went to a free students' medical centre the next day and had his burnt and bruised member dressed.

The macabre act made headlines in The Press, the police stepped in and the pub lost its licence for a week over Christmas.

He had been inspired by an earlier contestant who pierced his penis foreskin with a safety pin.

Fortifying himself with a bottle of wine, Hendry took a white pine crucifix and, with an industrial stapler, pumped 18 staples into his scrotum and foreskin.

Hendry earned a total $2600 for his efforts, including royalties from the re-enactment and photos.

But was the notoriety worth the pain?

**********

'They Were Pretty Big'

Saturday February 18, 2006

A heavyweight couple caused a pub ceiling to collapse by frolicking together in a shower.

The pair checked in to the The Black Horse Inn in Taunton, Somerset, and spent an afternoon drinking in the bar. They then went upstairs and got in to the shower together.

Their amorous behaviour caused some damage and water started to pour down into the bar below.

The couple left early the next morning, but not long afterwards the ceiling collapsed, leaving landlord Steve Ball with a £5,000 repair bill.

Mr Ball said: "They went upstairs at around 8pm and it wasn't long before we could hear them in the shower. They were pretty loud and all the regulars found it pretty funny at first. But then a torrent of water started pouring from the shower and into the bar. The couple were pretty big, they must have had a combined weight of 35 stone. They must have dislodged a pipe while they were in the shower causing the water to flood down."

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TNT Shell Sits on Lawn for Two Decades

Fri Feb 17, 10:10 PM ET

WOODBURN, Ore. - For at least two decades, the Korean War-era shell sat in the front yard. It wasn't so dangerous a lawn ornament as it might have been — it had no fuse.

The fuse detonates the larger explosive charge on impact. The shells are difficult to explode without one. Still, it was full of TNT. A state police expert said it could have gone off in extreme circumstances.

"If the place had caught fire, then the shell could have detonated," said Sgt. Steve Sigurdson of the state police arson and explosives unit.

The experts said the shell was 3 feet long and weighed 150 pounds. They said it was of a type that was shot from 8-inch-diameter howitzers during the Korean War. It was also used in Vietnam.

The Oregon National Guard's 142nd Fighter Wing has an Explosive Ordinance Disposal unit at the Portland Air Base. Those bomb experts picked up the shell and will dispose of it, Sigurdson said.

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Burglary Victim Charged With Burglary

Thu Feb 16, 4:11 PM ET

MEMPHIS, Tenn. - A burglary victim got a surprise after filing a statement with police. He was charged with burglary himself.

Clarence Dodson, 47, was arrested while talking with detectives about a 14-year-old neighbor police suspected of breaking into his house.

Dodson, who wasn't home when the teenager was discovered in his house, was located at another residence Tuesday and officers offered him a ride downtown to file a crime report. He wasn't told until later that police were at his home looking for him when they happened upon the teenager.

Dodson was charged with burglarizing a Memphis residence last week.

In that break-in, a man and a woman came home to find a stranger in the home. Police say the couple gave the burglar a sound thrashing, using feet, fists and a hockey stick but he got away.

Doesn't say I can't piss on them...