Subject: Daily Dose - 060412 - Collection from John
Today's collection courtesy of John
in Vancouver....
*********
Aussie walks into his bedroom with a
sheep under his arm, and says "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with,
when you have a headache"
His girlfriend is lying in bed, and
replies "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot !!"
The Aussie says, "I think
you'll find I wasn't talking to you !!!"
______________________________
An elderly couple were attending
church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just
had a silent fart ... what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Well for starters,
you can put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
______________________________
Two Priests are in a Vatican
bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and
notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He turns to the other Priest and
says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or
shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's
working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day."
______________________________
Associated Press
Friday, August 5, 2005; 11:00 PM
PARIS, France
Lance Armstrong's record setting
seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy,
may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports
scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after
three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on
vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.
The three substances found were
toothpaste, deodorant, and soap, which have been banned by French authorities
for over 75 years. Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is
quoted as saying "We use them every day in America, so we naturally
thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."
Along with these three banned
substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong himself and
found several other interesting items that they have never seen before,
including a backbone and testicles.
______________________________
I must go down to the sea again,
to the lonely sea and the sky;
I left my shoes and socks there
- I wonder if they're dry?
Spike Milligan
______________________________
Call Center calls
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through
to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get
that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door
to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our
opening hours".
***
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the
telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I
don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5,
of the user guide it clearly States that I need to unplug the fax machine from
the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the
telephone point on the wall".
***
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European
Breakdown Policy cover me when I Am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product
name give you a clue?"
***
Caller (enquiring about legal
requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in
France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the
car?"
***
Then there was the caller who asked
for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you
sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it
says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
***
On another occasion, a man making
heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I
haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
***
Tech Support: "I need you to
right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a
pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click
again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you
tell me what you have done up Until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to
write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
***
Tech Support: "OK. In the
bottom left hand side of the screen, Can you see the 'OK' button
displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see
my screen from there?"
***
Caller: "I deleted a file from
my PC last week and I have just Realised that I need it. If I turn my system
clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
_____________________________
An ugly woman walks into a shop with
her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they
twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and
she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I
just can't believe you got laid twice"!
