Subject: Daily Dose - 060411 - Devil's Problem, BIZARRE NEWS, T-shirts,
DDL, Rotten News
Devil's Problem
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At
the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records
Saint Peter decided to let him in.
"Follow me." he said,
opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter's keys
accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys.
That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did
his thing.
Saint Peter was furious. "If
you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost
there."
After some more Peter dropped his
keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more
furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third
time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay
guy, having no self control jumps on him.
Peter is now fed up and sends the
gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes
down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it
is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under
a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so god damn cold
down here?" Peter asks.
"Well, you just try bending
down for firewood!!" The devil replied.
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Being Arrested Really Bites
PRINCETON, Minn. - Self-described
vampire and Minnesota gubernatorial candidate Jonathan "The Impaler"
Sharkey has been arrested on Indiana charges of stalking and escape. Sharkey is
wanted in Indianapolis on the charges on which bond has been set at $100,000.
Princeton police said their search discovered the May 2005 warrants that led to
Sharkey's arrest Monday.
Sharkey gained the limelight earlier
this month with his Friday the 13th announcement of his candidacy for Minnesota
governor under the Vampires, Witches and Pagans Party banner.
Among his proposals was one that
would use impalement to execute murderers, rapists and terrorists.
***
Renaming Street Is A Real Drag
SAN FRANCISCO - A groundbreaking
82-year-old San Francisco drag queen appears set to have part of a city street
named after him.
City Supervisor Bevan Dufty, who is
openly gay, petitioned the Board of Supervisors to rename a block of 16th
Street in honor of 82-year-old Jose Sarria, who in 1961 campaigned for election
to the board wearing feather boas and stiletto heels. He didn't win, but
garnered 5,600 votes and inspired successive generations of gay politicians,
Dufty told the board.
"It's interesting they're doing
this while I'm alive," Sarria said. "Maybe somebody figures I haven't
got much longer to live -- I hope they're not pushing me out the door."
***
Man Finds Himself In Deep...Snow
VIENNA, Austria - Deep snow saved
the life of a man who fell 130 feet from a helicopter Monday.
The 42-year-old man was hanging from
the helicopter by a rope to make repairs when the knot came loose and he
slipped free. A fall from that height would normally result in serious injury
or death, but the snow drifts cushioned the man's fall, police officials said.
The man was taken by rescue
helicopter to a hospital for a checkup but appeared to have escaped with no
injuries.
______________________________
T-shirts
I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
(on a field of dandelions)
If They Don't Have Chocolate In
Heaven
I Ain't Going
If It's Tourist Season
Why Can't We Hunt Them?
Senior Citizen
Give Me My Damn Discount
No, It Doesn't Hurt
(on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell
Off
(on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
I Used To Be Schizophrenic
But We're OK Now
I Didn't Climb to the Top of the
Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
(at countless backyard grills)
Front: Yale Is Just One Big Party
Back: With a $25,000 Cover Charge
Coffee, Chocolate, Men...
Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Liberal Arts Major...
Will Think For Money
Gravity...
It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
If At First You Don't Succeed,
Skydiving Isn't Your Sport
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
In America, Anyone Can Be President.
That's One of the Risks You Take.
First Things First
Not Necessarily in That Order
______________________________
DDL
When you lay a young girl on the
sod,
It isn't the size of your prod,
It's the way that you diddle
Your ladyfriend's middle
That improves her relations with God.
______________________________
"I found myself utterly
depressed the other day and spent the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion
records... at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the cat
had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get out."
--Julian Clary
***
"Standing ovations have become
far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all
punch and kick one another."
--George Carlin
***
"I have a punishing workout
regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a
glass of vodka and smoke a cigarette."
--Anthony Hopkins
***
"He's the kind of friend who
will always be there when he needs you."
--Adam Christing
***
"There's an old saying -
There's No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was
very, very similar."
--Geoffrey Parfitt
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
February 23, 2006
Man says 'a-l-l-a-h' in name blocked
his mail
FOUNTAIN CITY, Wis. (AP) — A man
says his attempts to sign up for an e-mail account with Yahoo failed when he
used his name, which includes the letters a-l-l-a-h — as in Allah, the Arabic
word for God.
Ed Callahan said he started trying
to establish the e-mail account after his mother, with the same last name,
couldn’t get one.
As he tried using various words, he
determined that e-mail addresses with other religious words seemed OK, but not
if they included the spelling of Allah.
“The war on terror is becoming a war
on Muslims,” Callahan said.
Yahoo Inc. said Wednesday it has
changed policy to allow usage of the word. In a written statement, the company
defended the previous policy as an attempt to protect users from hateful
speech.
“A small number of people registered
for IDs using specific terms with the sole purpose of promoting hate and then
used those IDs to post content that was harmful or threatening to others, thus
violating Yahoo’s terms of service,” the statement said.
After the policy change, Callahan
said he promptly registered a new e-mail account, which includes his last name.
**********
Would-be rock star plunges from bed
to death
SINGAPORE (Reuters) - A teenage
guitarist got so carried away while bouncing up and down on his bed mimicking a
rock star that he flew out of a third floor window to his death, a Singapore
newspaper reported Wednesday.
The Straits Times said Li Xiao Meng,
a 16-year-old from China who was studying at Singapore's Hua Business School,
was a keen musician who liked to jump up and down while playing his guitar in
his hostel room.
"But on November 17 he took
things a bit too far," the newspaper said, reporting on a coroner's court
findings.
Ruling death by misadventure, the
court said evidence "points to the deceased unintentionally falling out of
the window to his death when he was hyped up with exhilaration, jumping up and
down on the bed placed against an open window while mimicking a rock
guitarist.""
Normally the windows were locked,
the newspaper said, but students sometimes forced them open so they could
smoke, something prohibited by the hostel.
**********
Swedish Hell's Angels find biking
gets you down
Tue Feb 21, 10:28 AM ET
STOCKHOLM (Reuters) - The Stockholm
chapter of the biker gang Hell's Angels is being investigated for fraud after
police found 70 percent of members were certified as depressed by the same
doctor and were getting state sickness benefits.
"It seems to be depressing being
a member of this club," Christer Nilsson, deputy head of Stockholm
police's criminal investigation department, told newspaper Dagens Nyheter.
Biker gangs like the Hell's Angels
and their deadly rivals the Bandidos have a history of violent crime in Scandinavia
including shootouts and bomb attacks, but have also branched out into benefit
and tax frauds in recent years, police say.
Sweden has estimated that as much as
a fifth of the workforce is on long-term sick leave or early retirement due to
sickness, often put down to "burn-out" and the government has been
cracking down on fraud to get more people back to work.
**********
Off-course runners rewarded for
going the distance
LONDON (Reuters) - Three women in
the Dubai marathon had their prize money increased after running four
kilometres further than anyone else because they were given wrong directions.
Luminita Talpos of Romania and
Ethiopians Hirut Abera and Diribe Hunde complained they were led off course
when in third, fourth and fifth place respectively in Friday's race.
The trio eventually finished fourth,
fifth and sixth. A review of the race tapes backed up their complaints and as a
gesture of goodwill the race director agreed to pay them for the positions they
were in when they went off course.
Accordingly, the athletes received
$8,000, $6,000 and $4,000 respectively, a statement from the organisers said on
Tuesday.
Kenya's Delilah Kemunto Asiago won
the women's race over 42.195 km in two hours 43 minutes nine seconds. Talpos,
who ran close to 46 km, came home in fourth over 17 minutes behind her.
______________________________________
Tue, Mar. 07, 2006
Trick or treat? Fawn tries on
pumpkin pail
By Yomi S. Wronge
Mercury News
In 27 years of catching stray dogs
and scooping up roadkill, William Warrior, Palo Alto's veteran animal control
officer, had never seen anything like the deer in Chia Wu's Los Altos Hills
yard. It had a pumpkin head. A smiling, plastic orange pumpkin head.
The juvenile Columbian blacktail had shoved its face into a child's Halloween
pail, presumably to lick the sticky-sweet residue of trick-or-treats past, and
there it stuck. The plastic bucket was wedged smartly on the deer's little
antler nubs.
Homeowner Wu discovered the silly sight about two weeks ago as she walked up
her driveway. There among the blackberry bushes, along a running creek, was a
deer statue. She thought, ``That's a really weird place for a deer statue.''
Then it moved.
Wu first tried talking to the critter. ``Come on up and I'll take that off
you,'' she cooed. (Hey, she later explained, it works in Disney movies.)
The deer wouldn't budge, so Wu called a professional. Warrior arrived, quickly
assessed the situation and got to work.
Well, first he snapped a picture. Then he got to work.
Blinded and terrified, the pumpkin-head deer bolted in circles, hopping over
nettles and gullies at up to 30 miles per hour, slamming into oak trees and
fence posts. Luckily, the pumpkin pail acted as a crash helmet. He finally
snared the 50-pound beast with a looped contraption and freed its little
noggin, and off it went into the woods.
It was a career first for Warrior. Although, he noted, ``Occasionally, skunks
get little Yoplait yogurt cups stuck on their heads.''