Subject: Daily Dose - 060410 - I have your gum, THIS is TRUE, cut my sex down, DDL, Rotten News

A young couple were kissing passionately when, suddenly, the young man pulled back, smiled and said, "Honey, I have your gum."

She looked puzzled as she said, "But I wasn't chewing gum."

Then the light dawned as she said, "But I have a cold."

______________________________

THIS is TRUE...

RELATIVELY DUMB: The suspects in a car theft case in Redlands, Calif., were easy to identify after they found a disposable camera in the car, used it to take photos of themselves, and then left it behind when they dumped the ride. Police developed the film and recognized Albert Engelsman, 28, and Matthew Montanez, 22, who were charged with auto theft. Engelsman helped by wearing the same shirt as he wore in the photos when he was arrested. "I think, in general, what I find is that crooks, as a class of people, are not the brightest," a police spokesman said. "But every once in a while you run into some that make others look like Einstein." (San Bernardino Sun)
...Which isn't saying much, considering he's dead.

***

HORSEPLAY: An Oxford University student walked up to a policeman on horseback in London, England, and asked, "Excuse me, do you realize your horse is gay?" The humorless bobby called in backup, and Sam Brown, 21, was arrested. After a night in jail, Brown was fined 80 pounds (US$142), but the case was referred to the Crown Prosecution Service when he refused to pay. CPS dropped the charge, citing insufficient evidence to support the charge: making "homophobic remarks" that were "likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress." (London Times)
...Presumably, they meant distress to the horse, rather than the horse's ass riding atop it.

***

WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN? "Am I really a 'Super Hero'? By definition, yes. Do I enjoy this title? No." So said "Captain Jackson", who fought crime in Jackson, Mich., dressed in tights, a mask, gloves and a cape, all with police approval. But after five years, the local newspaper outed the caped crusader: he's Thomas Frankini, 49. Why unmask him? Standard procedure: Frankini had been arrested and charged with drunk driving. Frankini says he will no longer patrol -- at least in Jackson -- now that his identity is known. "It's not an everyday occurrence to see a man with a mask and tights on," said deputy police chief Matthew Heins. (Detroit Free Press)
...Apparently Chief Heins has never been to San Francisco.

***

ALL ABOARD! Police in Melbourne, Vic., Australia, are on the lookout for a woman who has been providing interesting entertainment to train commuters. On at least two occasions, the woman has broken into an unmanned cab to broadcast to passengers over the train's public address system. "There was a woman on the address system," said one witness. "It was very graphic about how she was going to have sex with a driver for about three minutes." The driver is apparently innocent of collaboration, but some are suspicious. "I thought she was in cahoots with the driver," said another passenger. (Melbourne Herald-Sun)
...No! He was up front the entire time! I swear!

***

CZECH MATES: "Czech MPs Approve Law on Same-Sex Partnerships"
-- Reuters headline

______________________________

Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife," said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner, "she's cut some of us out altogether."

______________________________

We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising.

10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.

10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs.

And the other 80% preferred what's in-between.

______________________________

DDL

There once was a lady of Sodom;
For women she cared not a goddam.
But a virgin she died,
For each male she espied
Was pursuing some other guy's boddom.

______________________________

"It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has not been the hottest chick there."
--David Letterman, on Anna Nicole Smith appearing before the Supreme Court

***

"Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked 'How long until the new season of The Sopranos?'"
--Conan O'Brien

***

"Today was the big final day of Mardi Gras. The drinking, the naked women, the partying all night. Or as Bode Miller called it, 'Olympic training.'"
--Jay Leno

***

"It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Everybody has Mardi Gras fever. I was watching the 'Today' show earlier today and Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer about jambalaya."
--David Letterman

***

"Virtue is often the result of insufficient temptation."

***

"They had a streaker during the curling match between the U.S. and Britain. No charges were pressed against the man because being the curling event there were no witnesses."
--Jay Leno

***

"Spokespeople for the Academy Awards are calling for Oscar speeches to be short, interesting and wholesome. The show is now going to be nine minutes long."
--Conan O'Brien

______________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Students Suspended for Snowball Fight

Fri Feb 24, 4:38 PM ET

RIVERSIDE, Calif. - Two Ramona High School students were suspended for bringing dangerous objects to school — snowballs.

Seniors Michael Sepulveda and Daniel Zavala, the snowball co-conspirators, made a pre-dawn run to the San Bernardino Mountains to fill their pickup trucks with snow and bring it to school for what they hoped would turn into an annual "bring Big Bear to Riverside" ritual.

They were suspended after a school parking lot snowball fight before the start of classes Thursday.

Principal Mike Neece said one of his most important responsibilities is maintaining a safe, orderly learning environment.

"Anything that disturbs that or disrupts that is inappropriate on a school campus," Neece said. "Anything that could cause injury, or could cause a student to get upset and instigate a fight, or damage students' personal property is just inappropriate behavior."

**********

February 24, 2006 

General ready to take Tim Hortons boss to Afghanistan for coffee

OTTAWA (CP) - The country's top soldier is prepared to personally escort the boss of Tim Hortons to visit Canadian troops in Afghanistan if it will help get a Tim's running over there.

Gen. Rick Hillier says his soldiers in Kandahar keep pestering him about when they might see one of the iconic coffee shops open. Soldiers' fondness for the chain's coffee and pastries is legendary.

American troops in Afghanistan have access to fast food from Pizza Hut and Burger King, but the Canadians can't get fresh Timbits. Hillier says it would be a big morale-booster to have a coffee shop in Kandahar.

**********

Police: Driver causes pileup to keep sofa dry

Monday, July 21, 2003

ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- A woman who didn't want the rain to ruin the sofa in the back of her truck caused 24 vehicles to wreck behind her Sunday on Interstate 20 as she swerved to get under an overpass, a police spokesman said.

Eleven people suffered minor injuries.

"It was a mess," said Sgt. Pat White of the DeKalb County Police.

He said the woman was driving her brown Ford F-150 pickup truck westbound on I-20, just east of Atlanta, at 5:19 p.m. EDT when it began to rain.

She changed lanes so rapidly that she cut off cars as she made her way to the shoulder of the road to get under the overpass, White said.

"She cut off two vehicles initially, right away, and that caused those two vehicles to collide with each other," White said. "We had a total of 24 vehicles at the end of it."

He said the woman had planned to stop in the dry area under the overpass until the rain stopped.

**********

Police: Vandal Trapped By Tombstone

POSTED: 8:16 am CST February 22, 2006

ROODHOUSE, Ill. -- Police in the central Illinois town of Roodhouse said a teen became pinned under a tombstone after tipping it over during a vandalism spree at a local cemetery.

Authorities said it took four firefighters to lift a 600-pound gravestone off the 16-year-old boy's leg early Tuesday after he helped knock over that headstone and dozens others.

The boy is recovering from undisclosed injuries at a hospital.

Police Chief Steve Speeks said the boy will be questioned about the alleged vandalism once he's released. Speeks said about 40 headstones were damaged. Police suspect multiple offenders were involved.

The funeral home director estimated the damage at about $10,000