Subject: Daily Dose - 060409 - Everglades, BIZARRE NEWS, young preacher, DDL, Rotten News

A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came  bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five-year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.

Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator."

To which the lady replies "Good Heavens, no! Don't shoot him. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son's picture on his back."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Train Announcements

Enjoy this list of actual announcements that London tube train drivers have made to their passengers:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now ... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

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'Til Death Do Us Part'

BANGKOK, Thailand - Marriage has become a frightening affair for one Thai couple. Known as Thailand's Scorpion Queen and Centipede King, the pair is planning a Valentine's Day wedding in a haunted house, and will exchange vows in a coffin.

Kanchana Ketkaew, who set a world record in 2002 for spending 32 days in a glass cage with 3,400 scorpions, will marry Bunthawee Siengwong - who set a Thai record for enduring 28 days with 1,000 centipedes.

The wedding ceremony, appropriately dubbed "Til Death Do Us Part," will take place at Ripley's Haunted Adventure House. The couple plans to wear bloodstained wedding attire and after the traditional ceremony they will climb into a coffin to consummate their union.

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Chefs' Dispute Boils Over

GOTHENBURG, Sweden - The pressure of cooking apparently got to a pair of Swedish chefs whose disagreement boiled over and left one with rice pudding burns.

The Local reports one of the chefs tried to drown the other in a vat of boiling rice pudding at a Gothenburg canteen. The chef who was pushed into the pot suffered burns but was saved further injury because his hat slipped over his eyes, protecting them.

"On another day he could have been blinded," prosecutor Bodil Ericsson told The Local.

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Common Sense Takes A Backseat in Carpool CaseBusiness Cards Not All Their Cracked Up To Be

LEAVENWORTH, Kan. - If you make a living dealing crack, it's not a wise move to hand out business cards touting your trade.

Police in Leavenworth, Kan., obtained one of the cards and phoned the number. Arrangements were made for a drug purchase, resulting in the arrest of a 21-year-old Leavenworth man.

"It certainly makes our jobs easier," Maj. Pat Kitchens, deputy chief of the Leavenworth Police Department Kitchens told Friday's Leavenworth Times.

Kitchens said the card looked like standard business issue and read: "For a quick hit on time call the boss."

Officer Johnny Sweet of the Special Operations Division called the accompanying number on the card and arranged a meeting for the purchase of $40 worth of crack cocaine, Kitchens said.

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A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

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DDL

A virgin felt urged in Toulouse
Till she thought she would try self-abuse.
In search of a hard on
She ran out in the garden,
And was had by a statue of Zeus.

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"On a quail hunting trip in Texas, Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78 year old lawyer. In fact when people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92 percent!"
--Jay Leno

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"I don't know what all the fuss is about, what's more American than shooting your buddy in the ass?"
--David Letterman

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"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'What do you need?'"
--Unknown

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Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.
--Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

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"The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him."
--Richard Jeni

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Rotten News....  (true)

Friday, 24 February 2006, 16:40 GMT 

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat 

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.

The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders. They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.

Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up".

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.

"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

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Man refuses to wear electronic monitor

LEON, Iowa, Feb. 24 (UPI) -- An Iowa sex offender who belongs to a church that believes electricity is evil has asked a judge to exempt him from wearing an electronic monitor.

Scott Smith was given a short jail sentence and five years probation for molesting two teenage girls in 2003. At the time, he was a member of the Brotherhood of Christ and his wife and children still belong to the group.

At a hearing Thursday, Ron Livingston, leader of the Brotherhood, testified that the group believes literally that electricity can cause people to disobey God, the Des Moines Register reported. Livingston said an electronic monitor could harm Smith's children.

Smith has been refusing to wear the monitor. Judge Sherm Phipps could order him sent to prison or could grant him an exemption.

A social worker testified that she believes Smith is unlikely to commit another crime.

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Colombian sentenced for ride-by bottom slap

Fri Feb 24, 4:57 PM ET

BOGOTA, Colombia, Feb 24 - A Colombian man has been sentenced to four years' house arrest for slapping a woman's bottom as he rode by her on his bicycle, sparking debate on whether the punishment fit the crime.

Showing re-enactments of the incident, television news shows were filled on Friday with legal experts offering opinions about the judgement handed down earlier in the week by Bogota's district court.

Some said that to confine bicycle messenger Victor Garcia to his home for four years for smacking Diana Marcela Diaz's buttocks was excessive. Others said it would deter other men.

One program showed three models having their denim clad bottoms smacked so hard by a phantom hand it could be clearly heard by television viewers.

The women said that while the punishment seemed extreme, they hoped the case would mean they would be safer while on foot.

"It happened to me once," one of the models said. "I was walking very relaxed and a guy rode by on his bicycle and, 'ta!' He smacked me. I took off my shoe to hit him with it but he was already too far away."

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Psycho Path Voted Wackiest Street Name

Fri Feb 24, 7:06 PM ET

LOS ANGELES - Farfrompoopen Road, the only road to Constipation Ridge, lost to Divorce Court and Psycho Path, which placed No. 1 in an online poll of the nation's wildest, weirdest and wackiest street names.

Mitsubishi Motors sponsored the poll on the Web site http://www.TheCarConnection.com and more than 2,500 voters cast their ballots during a week of voting that ended this month. Winners were announced Friday.

"Our readers really stepped up with some insane street names," said Web site publisher Paul Eisenstein. "Our panel had a difficult time narrowing several hundred down to the 10 our readers voted on. But we learned a lot about the byways of this country, not to mention the collective sense of humor of city planners everywhere."

In first place was Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich., followed by Heather Highlands, Pa.'s, Divorce Court in second and Tennessee's Farfrompoopen Road in third. Eisenstein said all the roads were verified, although some are private and hard to find.

The complete top 10 list included:

10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas

9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va.

8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J.

7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J.

6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz.

5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston

4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga.

3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge)

2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa.

1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich.

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Florida Bird Flu