Subject: Daily Dose - 060408 - Sunday offerings, THIS is TRUE, give me some food, big slice, DDL, Rotten News

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get into the confessional," which Joe did.

Then the priest asked him if he took any of the offering, and this time he said, "I can't hear you."

Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?"

Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me, and you can ask me a question."

So they traded places, and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair; is that true?"

The priest answered, "By golly, you can't hear in here."

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THIS is TRUE...

THAT WARM FEELING: Daniel Zeiszler, 22, pleaded no contest to a charge of manufacturing methamphetamine and was sentenced to five months in jail and three years of probation. Zeiszler didn't use typical methods to make the drug. He had just smoked some meth, so he tried to filter the residue out of his urine using solvent. "The methodology this guy used would work," said San Mateo County, Calif., chief deputy district attorney Steve Wagstaffe, "but it would take bottles and bottles of urine." (San Francisco Chronicle)
...Which of course will now have to be tightly regulated by the Drug Enforcement Administration.

***

A NOSE FOR CRIME: A woman in Raleigh, Tenn., has been charged with soliciting the murder of four men. Jessica Sandy Booth, 18, told the hit man -- actually (of course!) an undercover Memphis police officer -- that she would split the proceeds of a robbery of some drug dealers with him. She said she saw a huge block of cocaine in their house, but he had to kill the Hispanic men who lived there, along with any children old enough to testify against them, in the process. She accompanied him to the house and, once he was sure she really wanted him to go through with the murders, he arrested her. So then he and his backup went in and busted a big cocaine ring? No: the "cocaine" was actually a block of queso fresco, a white Mexican cheese. (Memphis Commercial Appeal)
...Which of course will now have to be tightly regulated by the Drug Enforcement Administration.

***

PAGING MACAULAY CULKIN: Jacob Calero, 39, and his wife, Michelle De La Vega, 32, celebrated the New Year in Las Vegas for five days. When they got home, police met them at the airport. They allegedly left Calero's two sons, aged 5 and 10, home alone, and each was charged with two counts of felony child endangerment. "They knew it was against the law," the 10-year-old said, adding the situation "makes me feel unloved, put it that way." The 5-year-old boy is autistic; their mother died two years ago. Calero's attorney, Thomas McKenna, says the case is "certainly not nearly as bad as it looks." True: the couple did hire a dog-sitter to care for the puppies they had gotten each other for Christmas. (San Francisco Chronicle)
...It says something that a kid's aspiration is to be treated like a dog.

***

NEXT THEY'LL BE DRINKING WINE! The latest snack fad in Quebec, Canada: bags of communion wafers. "My son can eat a whole bag while he's watching TV," said one man. "He's had more of them outside of church than he ever did inside one." Not everyone likes the trend, of course. "They're not distinguishing between the body of Christ and something you nibble on at home," complained a former Catholic missionary. "We don't respect anything. Nothing is sacred." But sales are still growing. "They melt in your mouth, and they're not fattening," said one woman. "I'm Catholic. This reminds us of mass." (Toronto Globe and Mail)
...For a more vivid reminder of mass, you could go to mass.

***

SNACK ATTACK: "Armed Man Arrested after Doritos Dispute"
-- Buffalo (N.Y.) News headline

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A man was walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, "Good God give me some food!"

As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.

Puzzled he looked up... There was a leper painting the ceiling.

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A golfer hits a big slice on the first hole, and his ball ends up behind a small shed. He's about to chip out when the caddie says, "Wait! I'll open the window and the door, then you can hit a 3-wood right through the shed."

After the caddie opens the escape route, the golfer makes a big swing. The ball nearly makes it, but hits the windowsill, then bounces back and hits the golfer in the head.

The next thing the golpher knows, he's standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter sees him with his 3-wood in hand and says, "I guess you think you're a pretty good golfer."

And the guy says, "Hey, I got here in two, didn't I?"

______________________________

DDL

There once was a fellow from Soma
Who emitted a noxious aroma.
For some it caused wheezing,
For others just sneezing -
But some it put into a coma!

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"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they've tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American men actually need one."
--Jay Leno

***

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other."
--Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

***

"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me."
--Unknown

***

"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..."
--Jay Leno

***

"You know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look, the fact is the man is out there every night with fresh material and he's charming.
--Stewie from The Family Guy

***

"Today is the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie. I can't help but think that, in a thousand years when they dig up this civilization, all they're going to find are Twinkies and free CDs from AOL."
--Jimmy Kimmel

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Rotten News....  (true)

Distillery to Revive 184-Proof Whisky

By JENNIFER PRICE, Associated Press Writer

Mon Feb 27, 3:02 PM ET

LONDON - A Scottish distillery said Monday it was reviving a centuries-old recipe for whisky so strong that one 17th-century writer feared more than two spoonfuls could be lethal.
st 10 years.

The Bruichladdich distillery on the Isle of Islay, off Scotland's west coast, is producing the quadruple-distilled 184-proof — or 92 percent alcohol — spirit "purely for fun," managing director Mark Reynier said.

Bruichladdich, a small privately owned distillery founded in 1881, plans to make about 5,000 bottles of the whisky, which Reynier estimated would sell for about 400 pounds (US$695, euro590) per case of 12 bottles. Although whisky lovers can place their orders now, the actual spirit will not be delivered for about 10 years.

In the meantime, customers will be able to watch the whisky's progress on the distillery's webcams.

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Probation Card Found at Burglary Scene

By The Associated Press

Mon Feb 27, 9:06 PM ET

STEVENS POINT, Wis. - A woman didn't have to look far to figure out who likely broke into her home and took a camera from her purse. Police said the burglar left behind his probation and parole card.

The woman was going through her purse after the burglary earlier this month to make sure nothing other the camera was taken, Detective Sgt. Tony Babl said. She found the man's probation and parole card, which had a date and time stamp on it for his next appointment, he said.

"He must've had the card in his hand when he went into her purse," Babl said. "He doesn't even know how it got there."

The man had not yet been charged as of Saturday, though police plan to request burglary charges in the next week for at least eight incidents over the past three years, Babl said.

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Romanian club exchanges defender for large lump of meat

Mon Feb 27, 9:52 AM ET

BUCHAREST (Reuters) - Romanian second division soccer club UT Arad sold a player in exchange for 15 kilograms of meat, local sport daily Pro Sport reported on Monday.

However, fourth division Regal Horia made a bad deal because defender Marius Cioara decided to end his footballing career and take off to Spain to find a job in agriculture or construction.

"We are upset because we lost twice - firstly because we lost a good player and secondly because we lost our team's food for a whole week," a Regal Horia official was quoted as saying by the daily in its electronic edition.

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German court convicts man for insulting Islam

Thu Feb 23, 9:47 AM ET

DUESSELDORF, Germany (Reuters) - A German court on Thursday convicted a businessman of insulting Islam by printing the word "Koran" on toilet paper and offering it to mosques.

The 61-year-old man, identified only as Manfred van H., was given a one-year jail sentence, suspended for five years, and ordered to complete 300 hours of community service, a district court in the western German town of Luedinghausen ruled.

Manfred van H. printed out sheets of toilet paper bearing the word "Koran" shortly after a group of Muslims carried out a series of bomb attacks in London in July 2005. He sent the paper to German television stations, magazines and some 15 mosques.

Prosecutors said that in an accompanying letter Manfred van H. called Islam's holy book a "cookbook for terrorists."

He also offered his toilet paper for sale on the Internet at a price of 4 euros ($4.76) per roll, saying the proceeds would go toward a "memorial to all the victims of Islamic terrorism."

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Does Cleveland Police Logo Contain Image Of Pig?
Union President Says Claim Of Pig Image Not A New One

POSTED: 5:51 pm EST February 27, 2006

CLEVELAND -- You see them driving around everywhere, but have you ever taken a closer look at a Cleveland police cruiser?

Some people are saying that there's a hidden image in the logo on the side of the car.

A recent newspaper article did some editing, taking away bordering and edging on an image of the logo -- and the result was the image of a pig, reported NewsChannel5's Tracy Carloss.

The Cleveland Police Patrolman's Association said the logo is a silhouette of the police department badge, which dates back more than 100 years. It's a part of their history, and this is not the first time in history that the pig image has come up.

"We had that in the academy. Every 10 years or so, someone comes out saying something like that. There are a lot bigger issues other than what our badge looks like," said CPPA President Steve Loomis.