Subject: Daily Dose - 060405 - Another collection from George
Today's collect courtesy of George
in Winnipeg...
*******
My wife left me... And I don't
understand.
After the last child was born, she
told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a
12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed
the other day when she came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included
$45 for makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've
given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup
for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what
the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.
______________________________
Sex, Canadian style
A husband comes home and says
to his wife, "Do you know what GST stands for?"
She said "No."
He said, "It means Good Sex
Tonight."
She said, "oh really."
He said, "Yeah, really!"
She said, "Your chances are
about 7%..."
______________________________
An elderly gentleman went to the
local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue
"Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked "How
many?"
The man replied, "Just a few,
maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's
too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm
past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I
just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."
______________________________
Sierra Club
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and
the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for
controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers
using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the
tree huggers had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the
animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the
population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool
and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about
this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back
stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand
the problem. Those coyotes ain't f-----g our sheep- they're eatin'
'em".
______________________________
Older than dirt?
"Hey Dad," one of my kids
asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were
growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when
I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did
you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at
home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got
home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't
like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like
it."
By this time, the kid was laughing
so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I
didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the
table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my
childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own
house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or
had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving
charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND
Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer
practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle
that weighed probably 50 pounds,and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a
television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before
that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored
plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the
bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect
for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a
sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the
picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first
pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the
roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off,swung down, plastered itself against
my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15.
Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it
a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room.
The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line.
Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't
know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our
home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by
boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a
week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up
at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday I had to collect the 42 cents from my
customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me
to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to
never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths
shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with
yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know
what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed
to see them.
If you grew up in a generation
before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with
your children orgrandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be,
is it?
______________________________
More World's Thinnest Books
FRENCH WAR HEROES
By Jacques Chirac
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg
ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Barney Frank (D-Mass) & Boy George
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill CLinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden & Willie Nelson
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates & The 'Donald Trump'
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE
PACIFIC
AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL
SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by PETA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER
BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
______________________________
Jennifer's wedding day was fast
approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents'
nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would
be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified
to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same
dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm
wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who
graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress.
After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping
and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch,
Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other
dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear
it."
Her mother just smiled and replied,
"Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the
night before the wedding!"
NOW I ASK YA: IS THERE A WOMAN OUT
THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY ?
______________________________
There was a German, an Italian and a
Newfie on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of
three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me
right in the head."
(Boom, he was dead instantly).
Then the Italian said, "Just
hang me."
(Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Newfie said, "Give me
some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Newfie fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and
wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Newfie said, Give me
another one of those shots," so the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears
rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What
is wrong with you?"
The Newfie replied, "You guys
are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom!
_____________________________________
Canada gives maple syrup in thanks
By Alister Doyle
Wed Apr 5, 7:52 PM ET
OSLO (Reuters) - Grateful Canadians
have given five tonnes of maple syrup to a Norwegian coach as thanks for
helping cross-country skier Sara Renner win an Olympic silver medal after her
pole broke during the women's team sprint race.
Bjoernar Haakonsmoen became a hero
in Canada for handing Renner a new pole at the Turin Games on February 14,
especially because the Norwegian team finished fourth.
"It was a reflex action. I
didn't even think about what I was doing," Haakonsmoen told Reuters on
Wednesday after a ceremony at the Canadian embassy in Oslo to hand over a
truckload of 7,400 cans of maple syrup donated as sugary thanks.
"I like maple syrup, but not in
these quantities," Haakonsmoen said, adding he would keep a few cans.
"Much of the news we read is
bleak...but your action embodied the spirit of the Olympics," Richard
Page, one of the organisers of the drive to collect the cans, told Haakonsmoen.
Many donors wrote messages of thanks on the cans.
Thousands of cans will be handed out
to Norwegians around the country. A Norwegian mobile phone operator also
contributed 150,000 Norwegian crowns (13,300 pounds) to Haakonsmoen's favoured
anti-cancer charity.
