Subject: Daily Dose - 060404 - long-time agent, BIZARRE NEWS,
homosexuality, DDL, Rotten News
A beautiful actress' long-time agent
discovered one day that she'd been selling her body for a thousand dollars a
night. The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client, hadn't dreamed
that she had been so readily available. He approached her and, confessing his
desire, asked for a date. She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him,
but coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars, just like the
rest of her clients.
Taken somewhat aback because of their
relationship, he reluctantly agreed, then added, "But don't I even get my
agent's ten percent as a discount?"
"No discount," she said
curtly. "Take it or leave it."
Her agent wasn't all that happy with
her attitude, but lust won out and he agreed.
When she arrived at his house that
evening he took her into the bedroom and screwed the hell out of her. After the
passionate encounter, he turned out the lights and she fell asleep.
Around midnight, her aroused bedmate
awakened her and they engaged in another steamy bout of sex. Towards one a.m.
she was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another round of
pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and, by now highly impressed
at her partner's virility, she whispered in the darkness, "My God, you're
a stud! I had no idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an
agent."
"I'm not your agent,
baby," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door selling
tickets."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Science Test Answers
These are actual answers given by
children on science exams.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by
which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning
sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the
oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates
a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you
age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he
reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated
with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the
body categorized? (e.go.,abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts--- the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart
and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and
U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose"
mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term
"Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word
"benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
***
He's Got Legs...And He Knows How To
Use Them
CHEMULT, Ore. - A man was left with
no legs to stand on after he threw his pair of prosthetic legs at a state
trooper.
Trooper Don Newcomb had pulled over
an SUV that was driving on the wrong side of the road, and asked the driver to
leave the vehicle after smelling alcohol on his breath. At first the driver
wouldn't get out and a passenger, Joel Kackstetter, told Newcomb he would rip
his head off, said police.
Once Newcomb got the driver to the
patrol car, he chased Kackstetter, who threw both of his legs at him. One
missed him but the other hit Newcomb square in the chest.
Kackstetter was booked Saturday on
suspicion of menacing, assaulting an officer, interference with an officer,
criminal conspiracy and resisting arrest.
***
Dead Man Riding
NEW YORK - It took more than six
hours for anyone to realize that a 64-year-old Brooklyn man had died on a New
York City subway train.
Eugene Reilly, who died of a heart
attack, likely got onto a Brooklyn-bound Q train just before 1 a.m. Thursday.
He wasn't found until 7:15 a.m. when a curious commuter touched his shoulder,
trying to wake him, the New York Daily News reported.
Reilly, a mail handler, worked the 4
p.m.-to-12:30 a.m. shift and was headed home, his wife said. He was sitting up
in his seat, which transit officials said was likely the reason their workers
left him alone for so long, the newspaper said.
***
Biting-Mad Florida Passenger Charged
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. - A man who
fought flight attendants and bit a passenger in order to get off a taxiing
plane in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., faced six criminal charges Tuesday.
Troy Rigby, 28, of Pompano Beach,
Fla., was aboard a New Jersey-bound Continental Airlines at the Fort
Lauderdale-ollywood International Airport Monday afternoon, when he suddenly
snapped, the Miami Herald reported. Broward Sheriff Ken Jenne said it was
unclear if Rigby suffered an anxiety attack, but said he ran toward the front
of the plane, banging and kicking on the cockpit door, demanding to get off the
plane.
Crew and passengers tried to
restrain him, and that's when passenger Paul Sigler was bitten on the hand. The
pilot stopped the plane, and Rigby reportedly opened a door and jumped 10 feet
to the tarmac.
Deputies had to use a stun gun on
him twice to stop him.
***
How To Give A Guy A Heart Attack
ZANESVILLE, Ohio - Apartment tenant
Lewis Miller thought he was just going to "lay down and die" after
receiving a natural gas bill for almost $8,100.
This bill for heating his Zanesville
apartment covered just nine days. Miller had a very anxious weekend when
he got the bill on Friday and couldn't get a hold of his gas company until
Monday. Once he reached the Energy Cooperative of Newark, they adjusted the
bill.
A utility spokesman said that these
cases are rare, but can happen. It's suspected that a contractor either misread
or transposed the numbers when taking a reading of Miller's meter.
______________________________
We had my brothers and their
families over this weekend. My wife cooked a nice dinner, we had eaten dessert
and the kids were playing in the basement. Like most good parties the topic of
discussion turned to homosexuality.
"It's only a matter of time
before the cause of homosexuality is determined to be hormonal," opined my
oldest brother's wife.
My youngest brother laughed,
"Yeah, too much sperm in their diets."
______________________________
DDL
I won't say the girls at St.
Francis,
Intend to encourage lewd glances,
But can one believe
They are merely naive,
When they come in the nude to school dances?
______________________________
"President Bush made a surprise
stop in Afghanistan today on his way to India. He didn't want to. He bought his
ticket on priceline.com."
--Jay Leno
***
"I turned thirty, and suddenly
I was at that point in my life where I want to eat Fruity Pebbles, but I'm
concerned about the fiber content."
--Paul Provenza
***
No sooner had I plopped myself in
the chair for my checkup when the dentist smirked, "Ready for your cavity
search?"
***
The birth of our second child, a
daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it
when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later, in my
room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he
glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic. Instead he
asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
***
Today I picked up my mother-in-law
at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she
doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, "Thanks for
coming. Have a nice flight!"
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
20-Foot 'Super Colon' Visits Ohio
Thu Mar 2, 6:50 PM ET
COLUMBUS, Ohio - Could you call it
the colon that ate Columbus? A giant organ that is a natural target for
wisecracks is making a stop downtown as part of its four-city tour.
A 20-foot long "Super
Colon," on display to promote National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month,
is big enough to let visitors walk through and look at the inside.
The giant inflated tube, brought by
The Cancer Research and Prevention Foundation, is meant to remind visitors of
the dangers of colorectal cancer and other ailments that strike the lower
digestive tract.
One tourist from Michigan wondered
if you'd move through it faster if you ate chocolate.
**********
March 2, 2006
California psychiatrist who said
Reagan was stupid duped in Internet scam
SANTA ANA, Calif. (AP) - A renowned California psychiatrist lost up to $3
million over 10 years to a Nigerian Internet scam, his son alleges in a
lawsuit.
Dr. Louis Gottschalk, an 89-year-old
neuroscientist who works at the University of California, Irvine medical plaza
that bears his name, acknowledged losing $900,000 to "some bad
investments," court papers showed.
Guy Gottschalk filed a lawsuit last
month asking a judge to remove his father as administrator of the family's
$8-million partnership. He alleges his father sent the money to a scammer who
promised the doctor a cut of a huge sum of cash trapped in African bank
accounts in exchange for money advances.
He also alleges his father destroyed
bank records to cover up his losses.
The younger Gottschalk claims in
court papers he filed the suit to prevent his father from being further
victimized.
The Nigerian Internet scam is a
long-running con that targets people with e-mail accounts. Criminals send junk
e-mail to thousands of unsuspecting people offering them a share in a large
fortune if they can only provide a smaller amount of money up front. The
criminal takes the money and then disappears.
Louis Gottschalk gained prominence
in 1987 by announcing his studies of the late president Ronald Reagan's speech
patterns showed he had been suffering from diminished mental ability as early
as 1980.
**********
Palestinian eyes alcohol-free beer
after Hamas win
By Mohammed Assadi
Thu Mar 2, 8:42 AM ET
TAYBEH, West Bank (Reuters) -
Palestinian brewer Nadim Khoury, far from going out of business after Hamas
Islamists won an election landslide, is preparing a new product --
non-alcoholic beer.
Khoury said his brewery would put a green label on bottles instead of the gold
one on regular Taybeh beer. The reason? The green flag of Hamas.
"Now we have a new government,
so our motive to produce non-alcoholic beer becomes stronger," said
Khoury, general director of Taybeh Beer, the only brewery in the occupied West
Bank or in the Gaza Strip.
Hamas's surprise election win
worried some Palestinians, including beer drinkers, that the group would impose
strict Islamic laws. Hamas has sought to calm such fears, declaring it would
not shut bars but only "preach" against them.
Islam prohibits alcohol consumption,
however secular Palestinians can drink in bars and cafes in West Bank cities.
But winning converts from Hamas
supporters and traditional drinkers won't be easy.
"Either I drink beer or not. I
am not going to fool myself and drink non-alcoholic beer," said Shadi
Abdel-Hadi, a 24-year-old bar goer.
**********
Cyprus jails forger caught out by
sloppy spelling
Wed Mar 1, 5:37 AM ET
NICOSIA (Reuters) - You might have
the best forgery skills in the world, but it is not much use if you cannot
spell.
A Cyprus court jailed Pakistani national Fazal Ur Rehman for eight months for
forgery after police spotted spelling mistakes on stamps on an Afghan passport
he was carrying -- otherwise it was a near-perfect copy, the Cyprus Mail said
on Wednesday.
"Ministry" was spelt
"Menistry" and the first "n" was missing from government,
the newspaper said.
"The passport looked perfect
and professionally made ... almost deemed original by forensics," a police
officer told a magistrate in the Cypriot capital Nicosia.
*****************
Risqué Beer Label Drives Sales,
Controversy
POSTED: 8:26 am EST January 30, 2006
LANCASTER, Pa. --
"Hedonism" is a little too risqué for some Pennsylvania beer sellers.
The microbrewery that produces
Hedonism said its bottle label is "cutting-edge artwork." But Bob
Dano, who owns the Engleside Beverage Mart in Lancaster, said it's obscene.
The label on the Hedonism bottle
shows topless male and female characters kissing and caressing each other.
Cashier Connie Rutt of Wheatland
Beer Distributors doesn't think it's such a big deal. She said it's just a
cartoon and it depicts the name of the product exactly.
Reading-based Legacy Brewing said
it's selling every case of Hedonism it can produce.
