Subject: Daily Dose - 060402 - Cuban jail, THIS is TRUE, naturalized
citizen, DDL, Rotten News
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail
compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late," complained
the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me, I came to work
early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a capitalist
spy."
"And I am here for always
getting to work on time," added the third. "They said that proved I
had an American watch."
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
THE STORY WAS HARD TO SWALLOW: The
news flashed around the world. According to the story, a woman in Blue Springs,
Mo., was in an argument with her boyfriend and, to keep him from grabbing her
cell phone, she supposedly swallowed it. The boyfriend called 911 because she
was choking. Case closed, police said -- until the victim woke up from surgery
and got to tell her side of the story. "It appears she didn't voluntarily
swallow this phone," a police spokesman said. "It's not quite the way
it was first portrayed" by the boyfriend. Marlon Brando Gill, 23, who has
a history of battery, has now been charged with felony assault in the case.
Melinda Abell, 24, is expected to recover, and has requested a restraining
order to keep Gill away from her. (Kansas City Star)
...And hey: don't try to call her, either.
***
RODE THE COMMODE: Michael Eugene
Johnson, 34, was riding his motorcycle in Custer, S.D., when a portable toilet
fell off a truck. Investigators say the toilet flying through the air struck
Johnson, knocking him into the path of three cars. He was killed, and his
family in Texas is suing Sander Sanitation Service, charging that the toilet
was improperly secured to the truck. Sander Sanitation's lawyer disputes the
charge. "I don't have any information that he was struck by [the
toilet]," said attorney Dan Ashmore. "We're still in the fact-finding
process." Further, he said, "There wasn't any damage to speak
of to the Porta Potti. It's not humorous, but it's probably not the best way to
go." (Sioux Falls Argus Leader)
...With that comment on the record, they're going to lose big when the suit
comes to trial.
***
WOULD BE FUNNY IF: Police in
Kazakhstan are "investigating" the death of opposition leader
Zamenbek Nurkadilov, who was found dead in his home. Cause of death: two
gunshots to his chest, including one through his heart, and one gunshot to his
head. After three weeks of investigation, police are sticking with their
initial theory: suicide. Nurkadilov had once been an aide to President
Nursultan Nazarbayev, but had more recently denounced him as a dictator.
Despite bad press over the death, Nazarbayev was re-elected, with 91 percent of
the vote, for a third seven-year term. He previously stocked the Kazakh
Parliament with friends and relatives, and said he wants to head the
organization that monitors the fairness of elections in former Soviet
countries. (London Times)
...To see if, by chance, there's a trick he missed along the way.
***
AUTOPILOT: An unidentified man in
Paw Paw, Mich., got his car stuck in the mud near Leroy Township. No need to
wait for a tow truck: "After several attempts to free the car," said
a spokesman for the Calhoun County sheriff, "the man placed his toolbox on
the vehicle accelerator, exited the vehicle and attempted to push the vehicle
free. The man was successful." Success, of course, is relative: he got his
Mercury full-sized sedan clear from the mud, but then had to run behind it to
try to catch it. No luck: the car reached an estimated 100 mph, sometimes going
airborne after hitting bumps, until it smashed into a tree a half-mile from the
mud pit. Deputies decided not to give any citations to the man, who was not
injured. (Battle Creek Enquirer)
...Not counting his pride.
***
AND YOU THOUGHT YOUR JOB WAS TOUGH:
"Bill Gates Sets Indian Software Professionals on Fire"
-- Asian News International headline
______________________________
A friend of mine called me up and
invited me to a party for his wife who has just become a naturalized citizen.
"Well that's great," I
said. "How did the 'swearing in' ceremony go?"
"Oh, OK. But before we left my
wife wanted me to change my clothes into something more presentable."
"Did you?" I asked.
"No. I told her that I was a
natural born citizen, and I could go wearing a T-shirt that said "Fuck
America' and they couldn't do shit to me."
I laughed. "Did you
change?"
"Yeah. I put on a shirt that
said: 'I'm with the Wetback'."
______________________________
DDL
A horny young man from St. Jude
Carried both of his balls in a snood.
They were so big and round,
That they dragged on the ground;
He was scared to go out in the nude.
______________________________
"You know how sometimes during
war time, civil liberties can take a back seat to national security? Well, I
got good news and bad news. The good news is this -- no Japanese people are
being sent to any camps. The bad news is, that time you got hammered and drunk
dialed your ex-girlfriend who's studying abroad and sang her that WHAM! song
that was 'your song' -- uh, the government's got that on tape."
--Jon Stewart
***
"There will be a lot of
changes, I tell you, if Donald Trump were president. Instead of getting bad intelligence
from the CIA, Trump would get bad intelligence from his barber."
--David Letterman
***
"France and Germany warned Iran
this week not to pursue their nuclear research program. In fact, France and
Germany warned Iran that if they didn't stop their program they would, you
know, warn them again."
--Jay Leno
***
Q. Why don't the cheerleaders in San
Francisco where short skirts?
A. Because when they sit down, their
balls hang out.
***
"It's true, everybody is in the
holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.' Not the ballet,
Hillary."
--David Letterman
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Actress Injured Rehearsing
'Accident' Song
LOS ANGELES - Actress Sutton Foster
was rehearsing a number called "I'm An Accident Waiting to Happen"
earlier this week when she fell and broke her arm.
"I wasn't even dancing," the Tony-winner said Thursday. "I was
just stepping backward, and my feet went forward, and I fell backward and
caught myself with my hands."
She was rehearsing the musical
"The Drowsy Chaperone," which is scheduled to open Nov. 18 at Los
Angeles' Ahmanson Theatre.
Foster said the show will go on,
although she'll have to modify her performance until her arm heals. Such
planned stunts as a dive roll through a hoop, cartwheels and complicated lifts
are being eliminated.
**********
'Belligerent Drunk Man' Gets Into
Fight
Wed Nov 2, 4:26 PM ET
ORANGE PARK, Fla. - A partygoer
dressed as "Belligerent Drunk Man" was a hit at a Halloween bash
until he started acting the part.
Wearing a blue sweatsuit, a belt of beer can pop-tops and a Superman-style
emblem on his chest reading "BDM," William A. Griffin got into a
fight Sunday morning at an apartment complex, authorities said.
Joseph Gilliam, dressed as the Green
Lantern, tried to break up the fight but ended up pushing a sheriff's deputy,
authorities said. Gilliam, 37, was charged with disorderly intoxication and
battery on an officer. He was released on $753 bail.
Griffin, 26, was charged with
disorderly intoxication and resisting arrest without violence. He pleaded no
contest Monday and was ordered to pay court costs.
Not that deputies didn't appreciate
his outfit.
"It was the funniest, if not
the most original costume I've ever seen," Deputy Glenn Ward said.
**********
Woman Has Nearly 3,000 Toll
Violations
Wed Nov 2, 4:28 PM ET
DALLAS - The North Texas Tollway
Authority says it has a forgiving attitude for Dallas-area travelers who
sometimes pass through their booths without anteing up.
"We recognize that sometimes you get in the wrong lane, or you don't have
money," said Clayton Howe, director of the authority's toll programs and
services. "We don't punish people for that kind of activity."
But Evangelina Gonzalez apparently
pressed her luck with nearly 3,000 violations since February 2004. Gonzalez,
41, owes a record $76,039, which includes a $25 administrative fee per
violation, The Dallas Morning News reported in Wednesday editions.
A constable was sent to her home
last month with an arrest warrant. She was booked into the county jail and
later released on the condition she appear in court on the Class C
misdemeanors.
Gonzalez isn't alone. Another
violator has a $61,025 bill pending.
Howe said the tollway authority
doesn't expect to collect all the fees from Gonzalez, but anticipates a fair
assessment from a judge. The authority uses cameras and a database to catch
offenders.
**********
State Lawmaker Wants to Tax Umpires
Wed Nov 2, 4:20 PM ET
JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. - A state
lawmaker and Cardinals fan says umpires should pay for what he sees as bad
calls made during the playoff series in which St. Louis lost to the Houston
Astros.
Rep. Jeff Roorda wants to expand the state athlete and entertainer tax to cover
officials such as umpires and referees. The tax is charged to out-of-state
residents who earn money in Missouri while performing in such events as
baseball games and concerts. The revenues are supposed to go to the arts,
public libraries and other cultural programs.
Roorda said his idea grew out of his
frustration with umpires in the NL championship series. But he also contends
that it is logical to tax the officials affecting a game's outcome, not just
the athletes who play it.
"I think if they're not going
to pay attention, they ought to at least pay taxes," Roorda said
Wednesday. "Seriously though, I think it's good public policy. Referees
and umpires play a critical role in the outcome of this game and are part of
the entertainment experience."
Roorda said he doesn't know how much
money would be generated by the tax but guessed it wouldn't reach the amount
Missouri could have gained in tourism dollars if it hosted a World Series.
He plans to file the tax legislation
in December for consideration during the legislative session that starts in
January.
