Subject: Daily Dose - 060401 - kinky sex, BIZARRE NEWS, Irish toast, DDL,
Rotten News
A man and a woman are sitting next
to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her
why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He
said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.
"What a coincidence! My wife
just left me," said the man, "she told me that I was too kinky for
her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer,
and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the
woman's house to have kinky sex.
When they get to the woman's house
she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into
something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a
full leather dominatrix outfit.
However, as she is coming out of her
bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?" She said,
"I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says,
"Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Bathroom Stories in the News
October, 1989: A North Carolina
company has introduced "Talking Tissue," a novelty gadget which fits
the standard toilet paper dispenser. Each time the tissue is pulled, you hear
one of four recordings: "Yuk-yuk," "Stinky-stinky,"
"Nice one-nice one," or alarm bells.
January, 1990: A man in Lawrence,
Kansas, spent a night underneath an outhouse after he fell through the seat
trying to retrieve his wallet. He was rescued by Sheriff Loren Anderson, who
said the man wasn't injured, "but in a pretty ugly mood."
January, 1990: Over 20 toilets and
urinals in the King County, Washington, Court House erupted after being
flushed. Apparently, a plumber who was making repairs mistakenly switched an
air compressor with a water line.
December, 1989: Police employees in
Concord, California, filed a $30 million lawsuit against the Concord Police
Department after they found a hidden camera installed above a urinal in the
men's room. Police Chief George Straka explained that the surveillance was
necessary to catch the culprit who had clogged the urinal a few times, causing
it to flood the chief's office downstairs.
June, 1989: Singapore courts fined a
man $75 for urinating in an elevator. Police nabbed him in the elevator after
the urine detector locked the elevator doors. A hidden video camera recorded
the whole event and the footage was later used as evidence.
[From Uncle John's 4-Ply Bathroom
Reader]
***
Bill On Public Urination Leaves Some
Folks 'Pissed'
ST. LOUIS - A St. Louis alderman who
moonlights as a bar owner has introduced a bill that could mean lower penalties
for public urinators who try to be discreet.
Ken Ortmann's measure would separate
taking a leak outdoors from indecent exposure. He hopes it will become law in
time for the city's Mardi Gras celebration, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports.
"There's a difference between
going in the middle of the street, in front of God and country, and somebody
who is behind a Dumpster," Ortmann said.
Soulard residents are not
enthusiastic. One woman told the newspaper that many of her neighbors turn on
their sprinklers during Mardi Gras in hopes of keeping merrymakers from using
their lawns as public toilets.
***
Open Wide and Say 'Ow'!
LONDON - British dentist Mojgan
Azari is in hot water after letting her unqualified boyfriend perform dental
work on patients in her office. She was found guilty of serious professional
misconduct for allowing Omid Amidi-Mazaheri to work at her practices.
He worked on more than 600 people,
drilling cavities without using local anesthetic and putting in fillings that
crumbled within days, often leaving patients in pain.
The General Dental Council said
Azari had let him work for seven months even after being warned he was
unregistered.
***
Ex-Inmate Is Prisoner Of His Own
Stupidity
SYRACUSE, N.Y. - Most inmates try to
break OUT of prison, but one prisoner tried to break back INTO jail because he
missed it so much.
Raymond Johnson arrived at the
Onondaga County Justice Center Friday holding a brick and claiming to have a
bomb. Authorities say he attempted to rush the glass security doors but was
stopped by security guards.
The bomb turned out to be dish soap
in a bag.
Johnson was evaluated at a hospital
and later released. He was later arrested by police and charged with aggravated
unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle.
Johnson was an inmate at the jail
back in 1999. Police don't know why he wanted to return to jail so badly but he
got his wish!
***
A Contract's A Contract
LONDON - A suicidal woman in England
spent $35,000 on a volunteer hit-man who kept promising to kill her, but never
did. Christine Ryder, 53, eventually went to the police to complain and Kevin
Reeves, 40, was charged with deception.
The two met at a psychiatric
facility where they were being treated in 2003. Testimony in court claims
Reeves kept demanding more money and then more excuses for why no-one had
killed Ryder, and at one point offered to do it himself.
Reeves was once promised she would
be killed in a drive-by shooting on a certain date, but then called her to say
he had had to kill the hit-man and pay her money to his widow. He then took his
wife on an expensive holiday to the Canary Islands, the Times of London
reported.
______________________________
Drunk guy: "Here's hoping
you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
Drunk girl: "What's that
mean?"
Drunk guy: "It's an Irish
toast."
Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's
to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
Drunk guy: "Huh?"
Drunk girl: "That's French
toast."
______________________________
DDL
There was an old man from St. Kitts,
Who was troubled with galloping shits.
One morning at last,
He let loose a blast
That tore his old asshole to bits.
______________________________
"Republicans now want Donald
Trump to run for governor of New York. I think it'd be nice to see the guy get
a little publicity for a change."
--David Letterman
***
"Over the weekend Governor
Arnold Schwarzenegger had a little motor cycle accident. Luckily he is fine but
wound up with 15 stitches in his lip. You thought he was hard to understand
before."
--Jay Leno
***
"A recent study has found that
more senior citizens than ever are entering college. College faculty says that
the seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots just for the
Jell-O."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"The price of a postage stamp
goes up two cents on Sunday. I'm hoping this cuts down on my hate mail."
--Dave Letterman
***
"There is going to be a
"Fear Factor" theme park. All of the food in the park will make you
violently ill. So really how different is that from any other theme park?"
-Craig Ferguson
***
"Authorities in Wisconsin are
searching for the owner of a kangaroo after it was caught walking around
outside in the frigid weather. That's got to be frustrating for the kangaroo.
Walking around in freezing weather, knowing you have a pocket, but your hands
are too short to put them in it."
--Jay Leno
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Firms make profit by paying too much
tax
AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - While most
people try to avoid paying taxes as best as they can, some Dutch firms have
discovered they can earn more money by doing just the opposite.
Because the Dutch Treasury pays 5 percent interest on any excess amount paid
that it returns later -- more than commercial banks would offer -- some firms
gladly accept an estimate that is too high, Dutch Finance Minister Gerrit Zalm complained
on his weblog Monday.
"If it turns out they need the
money after all, they just submit a new estimate," Zalm said, adding this
kind of "banking with the government" needed to stop as quickly as
possible.
"The state now needs to borrow
less, but the 3.25 percent that we save this way doesn't outweigh the 5 percent
we have to pay," Zalm said.
**********
U.N. helicopter lands by mistake in
India
By David Brunnstrom
Mon Nov 7, 3:48 AM ET
UDOOSA, India (Reuters) - A U.N.
helicopter carrying a senior U.N. official and Western and Pakistani reporters
landed by mistake on the Indian side of the heavily fortified border on Sunday
during a tour of the Pakistani earthquake zone.
The mistake was made after incorrect coordinates were entered into a flight
plan, a U.N. spokeswoman said.
"You are presently standing in
Indian territory," an Indian army captain said as he boarded the aircraft,
shortly after it touched down at an Indian military helipad at Udoosa, about 6
km (four miles) on the Indian side of the border.
The aircraft had been bound for the
small town of Chinari, in Pakistani Kashmir.
"It seems we're about 20 km (12
miles) off course," said U.N. spokeswoman Amanda Pitt. She said the
helicopter had landed at the correct coordinates given on the U.N. flight plan.
"It seems it's a misunderstanding resulting from several emails that went
back and forth," Pitt said.
Pakistan and India, which have gone
to war twice over mountainous Kashmir, are due to open a crossing on their
militarised frontier in the Himalayan region on Monday to help with quake
relief efforts.
But the crossing, one of five due to
be opened, will be open only to people on foot. Aircraft are not allowed to
cross the border.
When the helicopter finally landed back
on the Pakistani side of the border a U.N. security officer greeted the
aircraft with a wry quip: "Welcome to China," he said.
**********
Nov 2, 2005 5:01 pm US/Pacific
Ripon Pastor Secretly Sells Church
Craig Prosser
(CBS 13) RIPON A congregation has
lost faith in their pastor, after he sold their church without telling them,
and scammed them out of more than half of a million dollars.
A for sale sign never went up in
front of the First Congregational Church in Ripon. Local police say the pastor
peddled it on the sly and was spending the proceeds on big ticket items. It's
no doubt an understatement to say church members are shocked.
Church members didn't have a clue
that their church, which has stood on the corner of Main and Acacia streets in
Ripon for over 50 years had been sold. Police say the church pastor sold the
church and a small cottage next to it for $525,000 dollars and pocketed the
money. Church Council president David Prater said the news left them stunned.
Sergeant Ed Ormonde said pastor
Randy Radic put the money in a special account and started spending.
"There was approximately
$460,000 that was deposited in the account. Then over a period of about two
weeks almost half of the money was deposited into other accounts or withdrawn
in cash.", says Ormonde.
$102,000 dollars went for a 2006
BMW, which police have seized, along with about $350,000 in cash. Ormonde says
the bank account and transactions made bankers suspicious and they contacted
church leaders. The 52-year-old Radic faces felony counts of embezzlement and
forgery. And the church's small congregation still can't believe it.
**********
Mayor: Sever Thumbs of Graffiti
Artists
Sat Nov 5,11:19 AM ET
RENO, Nev. - Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman
has suggested that those who deface freeways with graffiti should have their
thumbs cut off on television.
Goodman, appearing Wednesday on the
"Nevada Newsmakers" television show, said, "In the old days in
France, they had beheading of people who commit heinous crimes. You know, we
have a beautiful highway landscaping redevelopment in our downtown. We have
desert tortoises and beautiful paintings of flora and fauna. These punks come
along and deface it. I'm saying maybe you put them on TV and cut off a
thumb," the mayor added. "That may be the right thing to do."
Goodman also suggested that
whippings or canings should be brought back for children who get into trouble.
"I also believe in a little bit
of corporal punishment going back to the days of yore, where examples have to
be shown," Goodman said.
"I'm dead serious," said
Goodman, adding, "Some of these (children) don't learn. You have got to
teach them a lesson, and this is coming from a criminal defense lawyer."
"They would get a trial
first," he added.
Another panelist on the show, Howard
Rosenberg, a state university system regent, responded by saying that cutting
off the thumbs of taggers won't solve the problem and Goodman should "use
his head for something other than a hat rack."
