Subject: Daily Dose - 060327 - blow up doll, BIZARRE NEWS, what it means to
be British, DDL, Rotten News
This guy is really into blow up
dolls and calls a mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely
realistic.
The supplier says, "I have just
the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So realistic you can't tell the difference!"
The guy orders one. Meanwhile the
supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like
Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned
on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.
Washing it afterwards, he neatly
packages it and sends it out to the guy.
A month later the guy calls up,
"You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell
you how happy I am."
Supplier, "That's great!"
Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally
believable experience."
Supplier, "Realistic
then?"
Guy, "Yeah, so realistic she
gave me syphilis."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Pizza Delivery Stories
These stories were submitted by
pizza delivery men and women on http://tipthepizzaguy.com.
"I went to a house and did the
average delivery. I told the lady her total, something like 19.95. She handed
me a 20. I said, 'Okay, have a nice evening,' and started back to my car. As I
was about to get in I heard, 'Excuse me!' I turned around and saw the lady
approaching my car. I tossed the empty bag in my car and walked toward her. She
then began to say, 'When I was raised, we were taught to say 'thank you' when
we received a tip.' It took EVERYTHING I had not to say, 'And when I was raised
we were taught to give 15 to 20% tip for a meal.' I just turned and walked
away."
--Marty B.
***
"The delivery I remember the
most was to a regular customer early in my shift one night. They had a little
Yorkshire Terrier that didn't stop yapping the whole time I delivered the
pizza. Typically the wife would hold the dog and smile while the husband would
take care of paying me and taking the pizza. One night the wife must have been
gone because the husband opened the door and the dog ran out and immediately
began barking and chewing on my shoes. I was trying to be polite and laugh it
off, when the guy said, 'Just kick him and he'll stop.' Not wanting to hurt the
dog, I kind of picked up my foot and shook it a little. To my amazement the guy
said, 'Is that all you got? I said to kick him!' Since the customer is always
right, I hauled off and kicked the little guy, who then went running into the
house."
--Anonymous
***
"I was delivering to an
apartment and as I put my bag in the trunk I heard a whistle from a girl in an
apartment across the street. I looked, then looked away and got into my car. As
I released the brake, I glanced over and to my suprise the same girl that was
whistling aimed a high-powered BB gun at me and unloaded on me and my car. I
took off before anything could hit me or my car and I pulled around to the
apartment and grabbed its number and called the police as I drove away."
--Dave
***
"I had a delivery for a house
in the west end of town. Basically the further west you go, the crazier people
get. There was no place to park, so I parked in a lot in front of a few houses.
As I collected the pizzas and stepped out of the car and started for the
customer's house, I heard yelling from the house behind me, one that I parked
in front of. I turned around and looked. There was a woman twice the size of a
steer leaning out the door. 'That's Betty's spot.' I told her I would only be
there a few minutes and started walking again. 'She'll be home in a few
minutes, and she'll be mad.' Keep in mind, this is at the end of an 8-hour
shift. I said, 'Look lady, give me about 30 seconds to deliver these and then
I'll move my damn car for your precious Betty.' She responded with an original
'F-you!' and threw an object that looked like a potted plant at me, went
inside, and slammed the door."
--Adam
***
"I have delivered for 14 years
and have so many stories. This is the one that will be with me for the rest of
my life. I work lunch and dinner rushes. This one guy orders at least twice a
week. One day, I delivered to him and it took him a little longer than normal
to get to the door. I knocked again (no bell) and he promptly opened the door.
I almost lost my composure. Here was this thirty-something man, full beard,
hairy chest, wearing jeans and a mauve bra. It took all I had in me not to
laugh my butt off in his face."
--Chris the Pie Guy
***
Candidate Sinks His Teeth Into
Campaign
PRINCETON, Minn. - Minnesota
gubernatorial candidate Jonathan Sharkey represents the "Vampyres, Witches
and Pagans Party" whose platform includes impaling terrorists.
Sharkey launched his campaign Friday
(the 13th) in Princeton, Minn., as a "satanic dark priest."
In an e-mail message, the former pro
wrestler reportedly described himself as a "sanguinary vampyre ... just
like you see in the movies and TV, I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor
and drink their blood."
Aside from the basics such as
emphasis on education and better benefits for veterans, Sharkey's 13-point plan
also calls for impaling in front of the State Capitol such wrongdoers as
terrorists and rapists.
***
Thief Has Something Up His Sleeve
SHIRLEY, N.Y. - Police stopped a man
on the street after noticing he was wet, dirty, and a had a large bulge in his
left sleeve. It turned out the man, John Howard, had stuffed more than $10,000
in cash in the sleeve, money that was allegedly stolen from a Long Island post
office.
In addition to the money wrapped in
a towel up his sleeve, Suffolk County Police Detective Lt. James Maher said
police also found crack cocaine and a BB gun on Howard's body.
He was charged with two counts of
first-degree robbery and one count of criminal possession of a controlled
substance.
***
Driver Intoxicated With Fear Flees
Police Checkpoint
TOKYO - Even though he was well
under the legal alochol limit, a Japanese driver fled a police drink-driving
checkpoint because he was afraid of taking a breathalyzer test. Unfortunately
for the man, he ended up crashing his car.
He drove through the checkpoint on a
road in the western city of Ikeda late Wednesday, and officers found the car
about half a mile away, upside down in a riverbed under the road. The driver
told police: "I'd been drinking, so I fled."
Since the man was not in breach of
drunk driving laws, the case was being treated as a traffic accident.
***
Love At First Site
JAKARTA, Indonesia - The fact that Rita
Sri Mutiara Dewi had never met her fiance in person didn't stop her from
marrying him on Thursday.
A Muslim cleric who witnessed the
ceremony between the Indonesian couple declared it legal even though they were
across the world from each other.
"We are happy that we're
married now, even though we had to do it via the Internet," said Dewi.
She met her love Wiriadi in an
Internet chat room many months ago and they began exchanging pictures and
talking every day. Wiriadi proposed to Dewi in November - over the Internet, of
course.
While Dewi was in Indonesia and
Wiriadi in California, the two exchanged vows in a virtual wedding. Dewi said
she plans to travel to the U.S. to finally meet her new husband.
______________________________
One of the British national daily
newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of
the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland.
"Being British is about driving
in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home,
grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish
furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing
of all?
"Suspicion of anything
foreign."
______________________________
DDL
There was a young man from St. Loo,
Who gave his sister a screw.
He said, with aplomb,
"You're better than Mom."
She replied," That's what Dad told me too!"
______________________________
"You have two choices in life:
you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were
dead."
--W.W.Renwick
***
I just got a new recipe recipe for
chicken casserole from Martha Stewart. First you boil the chicken in water. And
then you dump the stock.
***
"Woman was God's second
mistake."
--Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"Nietzsche was stupid and
abnormal."
--Leo Tolstoy (1828 - 1910)
"Attention to health is life's
greatest hindrance."
--Plato (427?-347? B.C.)
"Plato was a bore."
--Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"Nietzsche was stupid and
abnormal."
--Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
"I'm not going to get into the
ring with Tolstoy."
--Ernest Hemingway (1889-1961)
"Hemingway was a jerk."
--Harold Robbins
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Irish nursing home keeps spirits up
with own pub
DUBLIN (Reuters) - A nursing home in
Ireland has hit on a cheering way to keep up the spirits of its elderly
patients -- by providing its own pub.
St Mary's Hospital in County Monaghan, near the Irish border with Northern
Ireland, believes ready access to a good pint may help its patients -- average
age 85 -- actually live longer.
"We would say the whole social
aspect of life does extend the years -- it means the patients aren't bored to
death," Rose Mooney, assistant director of nursing told Reuters.
The pub, which opens at 11 a.m. and
closes at 9 p.m. and charges normal bar prices, had also led to an increase in
the number of visitors, she said.
Having its own bar made the
hospital, which has around 140 patients, unique in Ireland, she added.
**********
Wednesday, 9 November 2005, 11:19
GMT
'The number u are calling knows ur
waiting...'
Fears of being buried alive have
prompted an increasing number of people to take their mobile phones to their
graves, according to an Irish undertaker. Many believe modern technology could
save them from dying if they have been mistakenly pronounced dead.
However, relatives are encouraged to
turn the phone off or put it on vibrate mode in case it goes off during the
funeral service. Some people, who are superstitious, insist the phone is turned
off so that if they do wake up they will have battery power when the phone is
turned on again.
One undertaker said: "This is
despite the fact that there is more chance of them being taken up into space by
aliens than waking up."
A young man in Glasgow had recently
been buried with his mobile phone "but that was because he had taken his
mobile phone with him everywhere he went".
Funeral directors in the Republic of
Ireland believe the phenomenon is symptomatic of a massive market for mobiles
in the country, with more than 3.83 million in the country.
**********
1-Square-Inch of Land for Sale at
$1,500
By The Associated Press
Sat Nov 12, 2:42 PM ET
SPENCER, Ind. - A tiny parcel of
land in southwest Indiana is some of the priciest real estate in the world.
Owen County officials are trying to sell a 1-square-inch plot of land for
$1,500. At that rate, an acre of land would cost nearly $7 billion.
No buyers ponied up for the postage-stamp-sized plot during a tax sale.
"It's too small to plant a
flower on," said Peter Dorsey, with the county's mapping department.
The parcel was originally part of a
1.12-acre tract under a separate deed, said auditor Angie Lawson. Officials
think the tiny piece of land west of Bloomington was deeded to someone in the
1960s, when people had to own property to use a nearby lake.
First National Bank foreclosed on
the property owner's mortgage, which covered the entire 1.12-acre tract, and
the land was up for bid at the tax sale. There is a minimum bid of $1,500 for
tax sale parcels.
County attorney Richard Lorenz said
he wants to find a way for the county to get rid of the land and the responsibility
of selling it, perhaps by giving it away.
"Maybe we could donate that
1-inch plot to Owen County Preservations as the smallest land donation in
history," Lorenz said.
