Subject: Daily Dose - 060325 - love lives, BIZARRE NEWS, I'm being rude, DDL, Rotten News

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Model T. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Resume Blunders

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Typing speed: 756 wpm.

Here is my resume for you to overlook.

I am a rabid typist...

Reason for leaving old job: too much responsibility.

Dealt with conflicts that were aroused.

Amherst College, August 1880-May 1984

Number of dependants: 50

Special skills: thyping.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

I worked here full-time there.

References: Jean Smith, deceased, Nov. 14 1994

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet programs.

[Submitted by folks on netscape.com]

***

Elvis Presley Fan Avoids His Own Heartbreak Hotel

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. - The girlfriend of Elvis Presley fan Jim Curtin got tired of coming in second next to the King, so she gave him an ultimatum: "You leave the Elvis clothes or I'll leave you."

Curtin apparently realized he didn't want to lose her, so he auctioned off hundreds of pieces of Elvis memorabilia over the weekend to win back her love.

Among the auctioned items were three Elvis concert suits, two of which sold for $125,000 and $50,000, said Alan Lipkin, senior vice president of Regency-Superior, which organized the auction.

Over the past 30 years, Curtin had accumulated 600 cartons of Elvis memorabilia and met the singer many times.

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Why Drinking Too Much Is Bad For You

RANCHO CUCAMONGA, Calif. - A man who drank too much was shot to death last week when he confused a neighbor's unit for his own and broke in when his key wouldn't work.

Hector Soto, 21, had just moved to the apartment complex and had been out celebrating his graduation from trade school when he returned home "fairly well intoxicated." San Bernardino County Sheriff's Sgt. Tom Bradford said all the buildings in the complex look the same. Soto entered the wrong apartment through an open window and was heading to the bathroom when he encountered the resident, a 65-year-old state prison counselor.

The resident, thinking Soto was an intruder, shot him once.

"It's tragic. A real mess," Bradford said. "I don't believe Soto intended to hurt anybody."

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'You'll Move Me Over My Dead Body!'

MADISONVILLE, Ohio - A Cincinnati-area family followed their grandmother's wishes and allowed her body to mummify in front of a television in their home for 2 1/2 years.

Johannas Pope, 61, died sitting in her chair in an upstairs room on Aug. 29, 2003. She had instructed her family not to do anything with her body, as she believed she would be resurrected.

Hamilton County (Ohio) coroner Dr. O'dell Owens told a news conference Monday that family members regulated heating and air conditioning as they attempted to preserve the woman's remains. They kept a window air conditioner running to keep Pope's body cool until about a month ago, when it broke, Owens said.

Pope's sister, who hadn't seen the woman in years, called Cincinnati police last Wednesday and reported a dead body at the home.

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Still not grasping just how important hockey was to my new husband, I plunked myself down next to him on the couch while he watched a game and began to chat. After being shushed a few times, I gave him a look.

Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey," he apologized. "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk--I'll just turn up the volume."

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DDL

In the land where once ruled old Hannibal,
There's an evening quite easily plannable:
Ten blacks in a row,
And all of them blow,
But one of the ten is a cannibal.

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"People don't want handouts. People want hand jobs!"
--William O'Neill, governor of Connecticut, 1980-1991, at a campaign rally. The crowd erupted into boisterous applause.

***

"Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment."
--Ira Gassen

***

"Men, like nails, lose their usefulness when they lose direction and begin to bend."
--Walter Savage Landor

***

Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

A: Outlaws are wanted.

***

When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me arse was wed
Me Mudder

Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee if I could not
Me Mudder

And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum
Me Mudder

Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart
Me Mudder

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me shit
Me Mudder

When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peak
Who yelled at me to go to sleep
Me Fadder!

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Rotten News....  (true)

Bribe rumour spurs Nigerian robbers into action

LAGOS (Reuters) - A gang of armed robbers seized on rumours of a hefty bribe offered to members of Nigeria's House of Representatives and raided three lawmakers' houses, local media reported on Friday.

Representative Sola Adeyeye said earlier this week there were rumours of 70 million naira being offered to members who backed a constitutional amendment that could pave the way for President Olusegun Obasanjo to run for a third term.

"Robbers who were convinced that the bribe had been paid raided the Apo village quarters of some of the reps on Wednesday night, demanding the money," Business Day newspaper said.

Adeyeye said the money was never actually paid to lawmakers, but there were rumours of such a sum on offer.

"We were told that this money would be offered," Adeyeye told Reuters. "This alarmed me and part of the reason I screamed out was to ensure that such an offer was never made."

The House of Representatives has set up a committee to investigate the claim.

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Teen sells mom's camera (and porn tape) for $200

Canadian Press

Nov. 17, 2005 10:41 AM

PETERBOROUGH, Ont. - A teenager sold more than her mother's video camera for $200.

She didn't know a home video of her mother and her mother's boyfriend engaged in an intimate act was in the camera.

Court heard the mother learned the camera was missing on Nov. 25, 2004, when the boyfriend called and complained the tape was being shown around town.

The daughter, now 19, admitted she'd taken the camera from her mother's bedroom closet and sold it to a friend. The mother called police and her daughter was charged with theft.

The daughter pleaded guilty Wednesday to charges of theft under $5,000, failing to attend court and two counts breach of probation.

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Fla. Lifeguard Drives Over Sunbather's Head

UPDATED: 2:49 pm EST November 16, 2005

For the second time, a Miami Beach lifeguard driving a truck has run over a sunbather lying on the beach.

Miami Beach Fire Chief Javier Otero said the 3,400-pound lifeguard truck ran over 19-year-old Jillian Gonzalez's head and shoulder on Sunday. An official said the soft sand likely saved her life because she was able to stand upright after being run over, according to the report.

"I couldn't see it but I knew it was a tire and I could feel the indentations in the tire, and I knew I was being run over," Gonzalez said. And I told him to call 911 and that something in my face was broken and I needed to get to a hospital."

Lifeguard Orlando Artiz drove over an embankment and narrowly missed Gonzalez's friend Daniel Martinez before running over and crushing an ice chest and then running over Gonzalez's head.

She was treated at a hospital and released.

A similar incident happened in 2003 when two sisters visiting from France were run over by a Miami Beach police officer. One of them died and the other was seriously injured.

After the 2003 incident, rules were established so it would not happen again.

An investigation Tuesday found Artiz violated the rules by driving about 60 feet east of a line of trash cans. People were outraged that another incident happened, according to the report.

Hungry Baby